Is She Really Into Me or Just Wasting My Time?
How to tell if a woman is really into you or just wasting your time.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who went on 2 dates with a woman a friend introduced him to. He thought it went great, but she never responded after the 2nd date, which was a movie date. The 2nd email is from a guy who went on a blind date and texted her after, but she just left him on read.
The 3rd email is from guy who had been on several dates with a woman who just didn’t seem to be progressing. He told her he was not happy with how things were progressing and wished her well. She has been chasing him ever since. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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These are from three different guys with different kinds of situations, so they’re each making mistakes. Some are doing things right, so it’s a good compilation of emails. You can kind of get a good feel for what’s going on. And for those of you that are familiar with 3% Man, these are like learning tools to really help implement what’s in the book, so you can get good results and improve, obviously.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach Corey!
A friend of mine recommend I start following your YouTube, and boy is it packed with information! I downloaded your book on audible and finished it in 1 night at work. As you said, I will re-read this several times before I understand a lot better. I wish I would have come across you before this date I just had, Lol.
Well, the good news is you’re here and you can get better in the future. The goal as a human being is really, every day you’re going to try to get a little bit better than you were the day before. Small incremental changes add up to big successes in the long term.
Here’s the situation. I met a girl through a friend at dinner. She asked me to dance, so we did. It was a dope experience. We held each other close and danced slowly. She’s a very good looking, curvy girl — my ideal looking woman. I took down her number and said I wanted to take her out. She was happy with that. We went to a comedy club. It was corny, but she enjoyed it.
Well, if you’re laughing when you’re with a girl, that’s a good thing. I mean, she’s having a good time and feeling good. And whatever you make her feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.
Then we went out for dinner and drinks after, dinner got intimate. I sat on the same side as her. Sitting across from her made me feel like I was on an interview.
So, that tells me you went and sat next to her, instead of inviting her over to sit next to you. Little subtle things make a big difference in what you communicate.
I got close to her. I asked most of the questions.
Well, keep mind, he came across this after this particular date.
I didn’t give her a chance to ask me much. She said she didn’t see any red flags and I looked good on paper.
“She said she didn’t see any red flags, and I looked good on paper.” And later on in the email, there’s something that he asked. It’s like he’s in an approval seeking mindset. Which, unfortunately, most guys go out with the attitude of, “Oh, I hope she likes me.” Instead of how most women go out on dates and they just want to see what happens, “Do I like this guy? Is he good for me?” But instead, if you go out with the mindset of “I hope she likes me,” you’re trying to get her approval. That is the opposite of confidence.
Women like a guy who is sure of himself. Because if you’re sure of yourself, then she can relax and trust your leadership and be unsure. Because feminine energy is chaos. That’s why women change their mind and their feelings from one moment to the next. It changes like the weather. And you don’t take it personally. It’s just a reflection of how she’s feeling in that moment.
I eventually looked at her lips, then her eyes, lips again, (sound familiar? Lol).
So, he’s doing the kiss test.
She was engaged, laughing and sitting close. We were holding hands. At one point, she talked to me with her head facing forward. I politely turned her head and said, “I’m over here,” leaned in and nailed it.
I assume that means he kissed her.
I asked if she was attracted to me, and she said yes.
Bro, come on. Again, he was new. Because that is the opposite of confidence. You’re communicating, “I hope you like me.” It’s not the kind of thing that you want to communicate. If she kissed you back, obviously she’s attracted to you.
I hugged her when we parted, thinking I should have gone in for the kiss again.
Yep. Because the hug is like a platonic friendship thing, or it communicates that you don’t have any confidence. Either way, you’re sending the vibe you don’t want to send if you’re trying to cause her to become more attracted to you over time.
The 2nd date was to see “Black Panther 2.”
Going to a movie date, you shouldn’t have done that. Because what happens is you’re just sitting there watching a movie and you’re not talking. You’re not getting to know one another, you’re not creating any rapport.
I wanted to go to brunch before the movie so we can talk, but we ended up only doing the movie because of her work schedule.
So, it sounds like he’s probably being accommodating. Because again, you don’t want to go on lunch dates or movie dates, especially for a second date, because there’s no interaction that’s going to happen. So they go, they watch a movie together and boom, the date’s over and they leave. So, it sounds like he went to maybe an early afternoon movie if he was trying to go to brunch. Breakfast and lunch, 11:00, 10:00 in the morning.
It’s a Marvel movie, so not much conversation happened during the movie. I gave her another hug before we left. She said she’ll text me when she gets home. I insisted she call me when she got in. I never heard from her that night.
Women do that all the time, “Oh, I’ll call you later,” and they don’t. Usually, just to see what happens. A lot of guys get upset, freak out. Don’t get bothered. It’s only a second date. Besides, you’re going to a movie date, which I wouldn’t have done. It’s a bad way to go. You’re trying to increase her attraction to you. And if you’re just sitting in a movie theater listening and watching a movie, there’s no interaction happening. You might as well be sitting in a closet by yourself somewhere, or in a room by yourself, or sitting in a park all by yourself, yelling at the clouds.
I followed up the next day and it just rang and went to voicemail. So, at the moment, I was going to just let her be for 5–6 days or so before I reached out, after reading your book. Is she testing me, or am I going to get ghosted? I’m playing it as cool as I can. I’m not used to this, and I’m doing my best not to be “butt hurt.” This is new for me. Help me!
Well, I’d wait a week, reach out one more time, see if she answers the phone. But the fact that it rang, you left a message and she ignored you, then yeah, I would never call or text her again. But if you just called, then it went to voicemail and then you hung up, she knows you called her, especially if it rang multiple times. But the fact that she didn’t text you back, that’s not a good sign.
So, I would say by the end of the second date — which wasn’t really a date, it was kind of a friendship kind of thing — you were out. Again, if you left a message and she ignored you, don’t call her back. But if you just hung up and never left a message, I’d wait a week, maybe two weeks, call her up. Maybe she’ll be in a different headspace and she’ll be more excited. Try to just give her one more chance. And if she ignores you, then obviously delete the number and move on with your life.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m a big fan of your book. I am 25 years old. I went on a double date last Saturday, and I really hit it off with the girl I met. I let her do most of the talking and would respond to her questions with sly comments and make her laugh. She steadily got more touchy with me, and I reciprocated the energy. Eventually, we all went to a live music venue, and she started whispering things in my ear, so I eventually decided to kiss her. And while she didn’t seem to want to make out…
Well, keep in mind, her friends are there, you guys had just met. It wasn’t really like a date. It was more of an introduction.
…we did kiss a few times. The date continued to go well. My friend and his date weren’t really having a good time.
Yeah, who wants to hang out and watch that, you know.
And it was getting late, so I told them I needed to go home because I had work the next morning. Before leaving, I asked the girl for her number, and she happily put it in my phone. That night when I got home, I sent a text to her number so she would have my contact, and just told her it was fun meeting her. She read it, but never responded.
I’d like to set another date, but since she never responded to that text, I don’t want to come off as needy and double text. Should I wait a week or just a few days, or should I just move on?
Well, you just sent her your number. It’s not her job to chase or pursue. You just got introduced. So, I would wait a week, and invite her out for a date. See what happens. Text her, call her, whatever you’re comfortable with. It’s more masculine to call, but if you want to text, that’s fine too. But if she likes you she’ll go on a date, and if she doesn’t, you’ll never hear from her again.
But like I said, you shouldn’t expect any kind of response if you’re just texting her your number. She could have liked the message back, but then again, maybe she didn’t have an iPhone, so that might not have worked.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I absolutely love your content. In general, I do not have much of a problem with women since my divorce 15 years ago. I have stuck to your concept of “hanging out, hooking up, and having fun.” I have enjoyed all of the women I have met; however, I have not yet found anyone I have been interested in for more than a 5–7 months at a time. I just like women too much and tend to keep on the hunt regardless of the situation.
Well, if you don’t feel like sticking around, you shouldn’t stick around. If you’re just having fun, enjoying the hunt, then you should do that. You’ve got to live and speak your truth. Whatever makes you happy, whatever floats your boat, whatever blows your skirt up.
This brings me to my question. I would love for you to share what you see fit on your show. I’ll make it quick. I’m 53, 6’1”, 185 lbs., and in good shape. I’m a long distance runner and go to the gym frequently. Physically, women seem to treat me as attractive. I earn in excess of $250k per year. She’s the same age, a runner, built like a brick shithouse. She’s divorced with a couple kids, no visible ex drama and no real red flags other than my question, Lol. She is an executive for a very large company and earns an income fairly close to mine.
I met her for the first time 8 weeks ago. I have maintained only reaching back out when she does and using the opportunity to set dates. Our time together has been very enjoyable, lots of hanging out and having fun, kissing, petting, some cuddling, (7 very fun dates). Here’s the kicker.
She was hit by a car a couple weeks before I met her, broke a vertebra in her back and fractured her femur. She will stay out with me until late, (she’s a trooper and asks to stay out later and visit other places), invite me in, etc. I have not spent the night with her or had sex at this point. I have not brought the subject up, because I am not even sure if it is possible. I feel like she is feeling fairly insecure about the injury, although even with a full body brace on she is extremely attractive.
Communication on her part has not increased at this point, and although things remain fun when we are together, I’m not seeing much escalation in interest on her part.
Yeah, after seven dates. Well, with her injuries, if they’re still healing, maybe she can’t be affectionate. But you know, you’ve been dating somebody two months and it doesn’t really seem to be progressing, especially when you’re looking at the book. Because you’re trying to find somebody who’s excited to be with you. And the reality is, most people are not going to be excited to be with you. And a problem a lot of us, men and women both, we project our high interest onto the other person and we ignore that it’s not coming back. So, that’s super important. A lot of guys stick around hoping things are going to change. And you’re almost two months down the road, and it really hasn’t progressed.
I feel she is somewhat but not fully structured, as she has a demanding career, kids, and pays loads of alimony to her ex. She is always affectionate, but very rarely initiates it.
Question: we have 5 more weeks before this cast comes off. Am I wasting my time? Or not understanding how devastating this may be to her life? I’ve read and listened to your book about 7, maybe 8 times and counting, watched endless videos, and for the most part, your views have always lined up with mine, (although due to your coaching, I have completely quit with phone and text conversations other than setting dates).
That’s the way it should be. I hate talking and texting on the phone. It’s like, let’s get together. It’s like, when I text with my close friends, it’s the bare minimum amount of words that go back and forth. It’s like, let’s just meet up, let’s make our plans, and boom. I don’t want to sit and chit chat and bang my fingers on a little mobile device all day. I’ve got better things to do with my time. I’d rather hang out in person with people I care about than sitting there banging on a keyboard or a touch screen.
I just don’t know what I can do, if anything, to open her up a little about the situation at hand. I can wait for sex and have 3–4 other girls I see on a consistent basis. But I am not interested in spending any more time with someone that is not opening up or escalating her interest. I can hold out a long time, Lol, just not sure if it’s worth my time. Thoughts?
Well, the fact that you’re already asking this tells me that… I mean, seven eight weeks and it’s not really progressing. Again, obviously she’s got a cast on, or whatever, and if she’s not physically able, she’s not physically able. But at seven or eight weeks in, if you’re following what’s in the book, she should be in love by that point. And the fact that she’s not, again, it could have something to do with the accident she was in or her injuries. But if we just take a step back and bottom line her actions, it’s not where you want it to be and it’s not making you happy.
I almost scheduled a phone consult, however I’m waiting until l I finish the book, as I want to come prepared, Lol. l I assure you I will leave a donation equal to the value of the information you give me though.
I appreciate that. If you want to make a donation, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the donate button on the bottom of your screen in the toolbar.
So he sent a couple of updates since that first email, and here’s the first one…
Your book helped me solve my own problem. After some reflection and reading your book 3 more times, I decided this was not easy and effortless, Lol.
Exactly. Easygoing, easy to get along with, very little friction. The friction you do want is a good kind of friction that leads to the happy finish, but not this kind of friction that leads to blue balls.
I sent her down the road and freed up a spot in the rotation. Thank you.
Well, good for you. Remember, as the book says, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. Rejection tends to breed obsession. And so, if you’re spending time with a girl and she’s just not really making an effort, she doesn’t seem to be that excited that you’re there, or that you’re taking her out and spending time and money on her, why continue?
So, here’s the latest update…
So, I don’t know if you have read this or not, however here is an interesting update, around my last email. I had told her that I don’t really see things progressing the way I would like, and to give me a call if she ever felt like opening up a little more.
So, it’s kind of a nice way of saying, “You’re kind of a cool fish, and I’m not really feeling it. You’re a nice girl, you’re a nice person, but I’m not really feeling it. I don’t feel there’s a spark. It has not really progressed. We’ve been seeing each other for two months. It still feels like I barely know you.”
In her last doctor’s visit, they told her she was healing well, and she could go without her back brace for 8 hours a day. She immediately called me, about 10 days after our chat, and asked me to meet her. I agreed, we had a nice date. I told her to meet me out and did not try to initiate anything. She has been texting me non-stop since, Lol.
Last week, she asked me if she could take me to dinner and to dress up. I picked her up and she looked stunning. She spent 400 bucks on dinner and drinks at the nicest place in town.
Well, that’s a change.
Then we went and played some darts and pool at a dive bar all dressed up. That was fun, then a nightcap at a bar close to her house. When I dropped her off, she asked me to come in, (she had been quite physical all night). She told me she was a little upset she was on her period but asked if I wanted to stay with her.
I guess apparently, he was not into the “red wings.”
I declined but did end up staying until 3 am, being very intimate most of the time. I have a work trip scheduled over Thanksgiving week to Buffalo, and she called me last night to tell me she did not want to spend Thanksgiving with her friends and asked me if she could go to Buffalo with me for the holiday weekend. It seems like an incredibly fast escalation, and although I’m being cautiously optimistic, I do see some hope here. Would love your thoughts if you have time.
Well, going on a holiday, you haven’t had sex, I wouldn’t be taking this girl to meet your family. It’s just too much too soon. I’d say, “I like you and and I’m having fun, but it’s a little too soon to be spending the holidays together. I’m not ready to bring somebody home to my family yet if I’m not in a serious relationship. If things are progressing a little better… but I want to see how it goes.”
So, I definitely would not be bringing her to your family for Thanksgiving. That’s just too much too soon. Because if you just look at her behavior, I mean, you’ve had one or two good dates since then? And things seem to be progressing to the bedroom, but was it because she was super interested, or was it because she’s got some of the casts or braces off? It’s always better to go slightly slower than she is.
Now, granted, you weren’t happy with the pace she was going at, because it wasn’t progressing. And I liked how you told her and you set and enforced a healthy boundary, and you basically just said in a nice, charming way, this is just not working, this is not really progressing. I mean, after two months. And then all of a sudden she wants to spend Thanksgiving with you? That’s way too much, too soon.
Again, it’d be different if you’ve been dating for two months and you guys have been sleeping together since the second or third date and things were normal. But when she’s been a cold fish for two months, I would decline. I would not take her with you to meet your family. When you get back, go on the next date. See how she is.
You could see it’s an interesting turn of events. Again, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And you’re not liking the attention she’s giving you. So, you remove it, and then what happens? She becomes extra interested. It’s also possible that maybe he was doing a little too much pursuing. He was a little into her too much, and that’s why she was kind of taking it for granted. But as soon as he backed off, it gave her a complete attitude change.
This is where matching and mirroring he actions can help that. And remember that dating is kind of like a tennis match. You hit the ball over the net. You wait for her to hit it back. But it’s an interesting turn of events. Like I said, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if you’re not feeling like a girl is really into you, it’s okay to wait a week or two to reach out again, because you want to see if she’ll reach out to you in that time.
But you’re also wanting to see if there’s any kind of an attitude change. Just like when we go back and we look at these other emails, like the guy that took the girl to the movie, waiting a week or two after that, and then calling her one more time to try to get her out. Same thing. And then, you know, the guy texting the girl, “Hey, it was fun meeting you.” She could have said, “Hey, it was great meeting you, too,” but she didn’t. She just completely ignored it. So, it’s possible that he texted her in a week or two and she ghosts him.
Just because a girl kisses you doesn’t mean she wants to date and sleep with you. She could have just been going along with it, could have been in a good mood. Maybe it was a little bit of the alcohol. We don’t know. We’ve just got to bottom line the actions. But you can see here with these emails that time and space does have an effect when there’s interest.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.