If We Don’t Love Ourselves, We Won’t Allow Others To Love Us
Why you must love yourself first in order to allow others to love you.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is having trouble with the women he dates. They tend to want to become exclusive right away after meeting and often complain that he doesn’t reach out enough. They keep trying to reason with him that they should talk frequently. However, he’s not in the same place as they are and assumes it’s because they are young women in their 20’s. However, it’s clear that the women he’s attracting are very insecure, immature and needy. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If We Don’t Love Ourselves, We Won’t Allow Others To Love Us.”
Well, this particular emails from a viewer from Portugal. And I assume he’s in his 20’s, he doesn’t say, but the women he’s dating, like one in particular, he writes in about is 24 years old. And he says, like the common thread with most of the women that he’s dating is they complain that he doesn’t text them enough, and they’re also wanting to get serious right away. And so, what you see is he’s kind of got the opposite problem that most guys have. Which is, most guys are acting the way that these particular women are that he’s dating.
So whatever he’s doing is, you got to keep in mind, you attract how you act. Like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other. Water seeks its own level. And so, you’re going to tend to attract people that are on the same vibe as you. And so, especially if you were once a needy guy who was insecure, you’re trying to lock women down right away. You’re calling and you’re texting too much right after you meet. And then the women tend to fade away. Well, as you start to become more calm, more centered, more relaxed, more stoic.
For those of you that have read Marcus Aurelius, then what happens is your confidence starts to grow and your vibe starts to change. And then what you’ll probably notice, like this guy is starting to notice, is that he tends to attract a lot of really insecure women. And so, that is a result of where you’re fishing at. Because if you keep attracting the same kind of person, then obviously there’s something that you’re doing, whether it’s where you’re meeting them or the people that you’re hanging out with.
And as you become calm and more stoic and more relaxed, people around you that are needy, that are insecure, that didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, especially if you’re dating women, that the dads just didn’t do a good job. The dads didn’t provide a stable, calm environment where they love, admire, and respect and looked up to their fathers. You’re going to get women that are behaving like this guy is. And so, he’s obviously scratching his head thinking that maybe there’s something wrong with him and what he’s actually starting to notice is that as I talk about in The Book, it’s going to bring out the best qualities and the best women right away.
And it’s also going to bring out the worst qualities and the worst women right away. And so, as I often say, you’re trying to go slightly slower than the women are. And when you do that, especially if you’re dating, like in this case, girls that are very insecure, they’re going to tend to get upset with it. And you want women that are calm, that are easy going, easy to get along with, drama free, that if you have disagreements, you can talk and work things out because that was what was modeled for them at home.
You don’t want a girl that’s constantly giving you grief, constantly getting upset at you, constantly getting mad and butthurt over perceived infractions that you did that. Of course she never tends to inform you of, until after the fact and after she’s upset. So with that in mind, you know, just like the title, talking about how if you don’t love yourself, you’re not going to allow other people to love you. And if you’re dating somebody that’s really needy and really insecure, the place they’re coming from is deep down, they didn’t get the love or the hugs that they wanted in childhood.
And so, they’re predisposed to assume that they’re not going to get it now that they’re adults. And so, these girls are not really necessarily reacting so much to how this guy is showing up, but they’re reacting to him probably in the same way that they reacted to their fathers that were absent, or they didn’t show up, or that were insecure, or they were inconsistent or just were non existent. If they grew up without a strong masculine influence in their life, they’re going to be missing that calm, chill factor. I mean, all you got to do is go on Twitter these days and look at all the brawls and the fights, especially with women fighting on there.
And you can look at that, and you know, especially when they’re in a restaurant, they’re in a fast food place and they’re out on a cruise and they’re just absolutely destroying other people’s property. They’re destroying the business, they’re breaking things, and they really don’t give a shit that they’re destroying things. They have the attitude that they can walk in there and just wreck other people’s stuff. And when you look at that, you go, that is the result of no strong dads in the home. That’s what’s going on there.
If you’re going out in public as an adult and destroying other people’s businesses and property like that and acting as if you’re entitled to it and you have no chill, and then the police show up and they take you to jail. That’s what happens when there’s no strong, stable, masculine presence in the home. I mean, obviously that’s an extreme example, but a microcosm of that is if every girl you date is really super insecure and gets upset right away or is demanding that you get into a relationship after only a couple of weeks of dating, that’s abnormal behavior.
And so, everything that you’re doing and you’re interacting with them really is to soothe their egos, to soothe their neediness. And you’re looking for somebody that’s happy, whole, complete, ready, willing and able and open to dating. Not somebody that like, you know, I would assume in a lot of these cases, just because of the behavior, they really haven’t dealt with their childhood trauma yet. And they’re not over it. And if you’re a guy that doesn’t know any better than you start dating women like this that are incredibly insecure, then it forces you to become a pleaser, in essence.
Because you’re jumping through your butt trying to keep from getting the girl upset. And you have to understand that this is just not normal behavior. Me personally, I would not put up with the crap that this guy is putting up with, but obviously he’s young, he’s inexperienced, and these girls I’m sure are very attractive. But just because she’s hot doesn’t mean that she’s not a total screwball. So let’s go through his email.
Viewer Email:
Hey Corey,
Big fan of yours! I’m from Portugal, and I have been following you for some while. To catch you up, I already read your book like 5 times, unfortunately with large spaces between the readings.
So he’s cherry picking. And so, if things aren’t going ideally well, it’s because you typically are cherry picking, looking for the magic pick up lines. How do I get laid? And then the rest of the stuff gets largely ignored. As soon as guys start getting some success and start getting laid. And what happens is their knowledge gap or they stop growing in essence. And then it’s not until six months, a year or two later when they’re in a relationship, when they really didn’t bother to learn any of the relationship skills or the whole book in general, that they really start to suffer for it.
Because you can do well with the videos and maybe thumbing through The Book a few times, but if you don’t really take the time to learn The Book backwards and forwards and understand the mindset, Then you’re going to get intermittent success. That may be attainable, but you’re not going to be able to sustain it. And that’s what I see, especially when I’m doing phone sessions with guys. It’s guys been following me for a lot of years and they’re like, “oh yeah, I’ve been following you five years. I just read The Book one time a couple of years ago, or I’ve been dating this girl for two years, and I read your Book five times, 3 or 4 years ago.”
And then as we start talking and they’re telling me what they’re doing and what’s happening, I was like, these are obvious things that are explained and talked about in The Book, but because they never went back to it, they weren’t able to fill in the knowledge gap when they needed the information. And then they get so far down the road and things get really screwed up. It’s very hard to course correct when you’re in the middle of it, because now your emotions are totally engaged. So you got to participate in your own rescue. There’s no shortcuts to success.
And what guys see is most of the time, I mean, it’s good as a coach to be able to go through these kinds of emails and point out the mistakes and the problems because everybody watching the video can learn from and go, “wow, I don’t want to do that, or man, I sure wouldn’t like to get rejected that way, or I sure wouldn’t like to date a woman that torched me like that.” And that is enough pain learning from the pain another guy went through to help you avoid making the same mistakes. But at the end of the day, you got to put the time in with the material.
If you want to be a great superstar player, you got to learn the playbook. And if you’re not willing to learn the playbook, you’re going to have intermittent and inconsistent success. That’s just a fact of life. And the other thing to keep in mind is that we’re constantly bombarded by propaganda that is teaching us false archetypes. So even if you spend a bunch of time with The Book, and then several years go by and you never go back to it, you’re constantly bombarded by news and TV and movies and the media in general that is presenting you with false archetypes.
And so, whatever you observe, you participate in. And so, if you’re spending more time consuming propaganda that rewires your brain in a dysfunctional way, then even if you read my Book a handful of times years ago, as the years go by, that is going to become further and further away. Because you become emotionally anchored to whatever it is you’re observing and participating in now.
I was kind of busy working on my thing and in the last month I decided to get back to the dating scene, but I’ve been having some issues that I already have in the past. I’m a young guy, and I’m finding like a “pattern” with the adolescence girls I date.
Well, I wouldn’t call a 24 year old girl adolescent, but again, he’s Portuguese. He speaks Portuguese. English is probably a second language. Or maybe his third or fourth.
This 24 year old girl, for example, is always complaining to me that she thinks I’m not interested in her because I don’t reach out to her that much. She says, and she’s not the only one, that it’s normal to talk via texting more frequently. We already had 4–5 dates. We kiss, etc.
And we have more incoming.
So you’re only a handful of dates in and they’ve just kissed so far, but nothing else. And she’s already complaining that you don’t text enough. And so, if you’re only a handful of weeks into dating and she’s complaining that you don’t text enough, the other thing that you start to see is that the guys, their game is not really smooth. The idea is, as The Book teaches, is that you’re taking measured steps, one date per week. And then as she starts reaching out, you can set more dates because she’s the one reaching out to you. It’s her idea.
And usually by the third or fourth week, she’s texting you every couple of days, and you just set up the next date when that happens. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. You keep it simple. And so, if he’s doing that but he doesn’t really understand The Book and he’s trying to robotically just go, “I only want to date once per week.” Because maybe that was the only thing he actually remembered.
Because again, it’s been a long time since he went through The Book, so he doesn’t really know the information that well. And so, when I read things like this, it should be pretty obvious where things are going sideways. And so, what we see here is he’s not backing off and letting her pursue. And then when she starts to pursue just making the next date, I’m assuming what’s happening is he’s putting it off too far into the future. And I see that a lot when I do phone sessions with guys and I’m talking to them is like, they’re not getting the cues.
They’re not recognizing that she’s reaching out already. And then they should just be making the next date. They’re still stretching things out too long, and then they’re trying to be too cold and get off the phone or get out of the text exchange and then make dates a week, week and a half in the future. The idea is you’re going slower until she reaches out to you first. In other words, you’re trying to hold out a little bit longer, if you will, If you’re going to take measured steps with one date per week, then as she starts reaching out after a few days after your last date, then you assume she wants to see you and you make the next date.
If she’s texting you 9 or 10:00 at night, you can just say, “Come over.” Because she probably wants to see you. It doesn’t have to be an official date. If you don’t really know The Book that well, you’re not really going to pick up on that. And so, that may be part of the problem why he’s struggling. But if he’s only had 4 or 5 dates and she’s getting upset and he says they just kissed, then it really hasn’t progressed that much. And typically what you’re going to see again, if you’re dating a girl that’s really insecure, she’s going to get mad, she’s going to get upset. And what are you looking for?
Easy going, easy to get along with. And since all he said was that he just kissed, so I assume that means he hasn’t even slept with her yet, and she’s already getting pissed off and mad at him that he’s not texting enough. Then probably she’s a little insecure, probably a little messed up, not really a good candidate. And as I was, I remember I was reading this, I remember like probably 25 years ago, I was out at a bar with a bunch of friends of mine, one of the places we used to go in downtown Orlando back in the day.
And I was hanging out. I was talking to this girl who was really pretty, really beautiful, and her girlfriends were there, and I remember talking to her and she gave me her number. And then she was just like, “you’re going to call me, right?” I was like, “yeah.” And she just kept going back to it. She said, “yeah, I give my number out and guys never call me or we go out on 1 or 2 dates and then they never call me.” And her girlfriends are pulling her aside and they’re like, “you need to relax. Don’t. You’re gonna turn this guy off.”
I could kind of overhear their conversation a little bit. So it was pretty clear you know, even this girl was beautiful. She had great body, really hot, nice tan. I was just thinking, man, dude, just be lining up to date this girl. But what’s she doing? She is, in essence, talking me out of liking her. And that’s what happened. I never ended up going out with her because the whole night she just kept going back to it. It’s like, “okay, you got my number. You didn’t lose it.”
And her friends were rolling their eyes and they’re like, they’re pulling me aside. “Oh, she’s like this, you know, she’s a great girl. Give her a chance.” And just hanging out the hour or whatever it was that I was there, I was like, man, that girl is pretty neurotic and needy. But what it was kind of a gift for me because then kind of got to see how at one time I used to kind of be that way. And then I could kind of feel how I used to make women feel like I remember, you know, as things were still coming together.
This was when I was in my late 20’s. I was with my business partner, and I had met this girl, and I was on the phone with her because she had called me back. And my business partner and I were on the way to go look at this property. And I was talking to her, and I think she was telling me she was going to get back to me or something like that. And I was talking and my business partner, who was happily married for many years. And I learned a lot from him about women. And I could hear him going, “oh, man.” He was like, he was doing, like, “easy. He’s like, don’t say things like that.” You know?
Because he could hear my conversation and I was kind of sounded like this one girl that it reminded me of. You know, like I said, I was like 28, 29 at the time. And so, I’m on the phone with this girl and I’m saying things that, in essence, are communicating. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of being there. And I ended up, you know, in the long run, turning that particular girl off. And so, I kind of, you know, like I said, as I was going through that, that’s what it reminds me of, reminds me back in the day when I was out at that bar and I saw that girl.
And it’s like that one was so excessively insecure that I really remember that. And so, it’s like 25 years later, it kind of struck me because it gave me more compassion for how I used to make women feel when I acted like I didn’t deserve to be there. And so, that’s what’s really going on. If you don’t love yourself, if you don’t think you’re worthy of love, then you’re always going to presuppose that the other person’s not going to love you.
And so, everything you do, everything you say, the vibe that you give off is communicating that you don’t feel like you deserve to be there. And women love confidence in a guy. And if you’re constantly communicating the opposite of confidence, eventually she’s going to agree with you and not want to date you anymore.
Since she reached out to me and literally asked for it, so I made a definitive date. Almost all the girls I meet have this problem with me. Not only that, but they always want to make me exclusive too soon and that shit makes me anxious lol, I never accept that, and I affirm that it’s too soon.
Well again, this is why you take measured steps. And so, what you’re starting to notice is you’re seeing a pattern. Most of the women that you’re dating are incredibly insecure. And so, then the question becomes is, where are you meeting these women? Are you meeting them in person or are you meeting them online? And I was having a phone session with a guy last week, very successful guy. And all, every single woman he was dating, he was meeting on this dating app.
And it was a dating app, more so with guys that are that are doing well. I think it was, I can’t remember the name of it. It’s one of the newer ones, but it’s like every single girl he went out with is trying to lock him down to a commitment, trying to be in a relationship with them after only a few weeks of dating and then getting upset with him. And this guy is older, he’s more mature, and the women he’s meeting are typically in their 30’s to early 40’s. And I was pointing out to him it’s like, you’re you’re meeting all these women that you’re meeting off this app, this dating app are all the same way.
They’re all incredibly insecure. So what that tells me is you’re meeting women that are on there because they have a problem in their lives. And what you often see with women like that is they don’t have any good girlfriends. They don’t have any good female girlfriends. You think, well, why would or they say things like, “well, I mostly get along with guys.” And typically when you really dig deeper and a woman that doesn’t have any female friends, especially ones that go back many years or even a childhood or whatever, it’s usually because they’re not a good person.
Because the friends that they did have in the past, what happened was, they hit on their boyfriends or they hit on their husbands and the girlfriends just basically eventually kicked them to the curb and didn’t want anything to do with them. And so, women that grew up in good families, they lived in the area for a while. They’ve got lots of friends and family in the area. They have a good social network. They’re typically not going to be on a dating app. And so, because a lot of guys, just even older guys, when you look at the stats of how people meet these days, it’s like a curve going straight up.
Most people are meeting online and, you know, compared to the old ways, the, you know, whether it’s through friends or family or work, people are not meeting in person like they used to because they’re leaning on the dating apps. And so, what you get on there is you get a lot of trash that’s on the dating apps. You got a lot of people that for whatever reason. I mean, occasionally you’re going to get women, maybe they weren’t from the area. They moved there for a job, so they don’t know anybody.
But most of the time, if it’s somebody that lives in the area and they got no friends, no family, no social network, and they’re having a hard time meeting people, it’s usually because there’s something screwy with the girl. And so, what I pointed out to this guy is that he should lean more into his hobbies and his private clubs and the things that he belongs to, because that’s where he’s going to meet somebody that’s on his level, high IQ like he is, and not some insecure girl that has got a truckload of problems.
And so, like I said, when I see patterns of guys, they’re like, in this case he’s saying pretty much all the girls he meets are like this, it’s a good chance he’s probably only meeting them online. And that’s part of the problem. It’s like if you can really develop yourself, especially when you’re younger, to get some kind of a customer service job where you’re forced to interact with other human beings and develop your social skills, and you can meet women in person, it’s going to be a much better experience for you because when you meet in person, you get to size her up.
You get to see what her body is like, you can read her body language, you can hear the tone of her voice. You can make eye contact with her. You can ask questions. You can interact with her in ways that you just can’t do with online dating. It’s much more efficient if you’re meeting girls organically. Your experience is going to tend to be way better than your online experience. I know that was mine. I mean, the last time I was on a dating app, I was like six, seven years ago, whatever it was, when I was living in South Beach, I haven’t gone on there since.
And the thing I noticed back then, there was a lot of girls that were hookers, basically, that were on there. And so, then you got to weed through, it’s like, who’s really on there because they’re looking to date and, you know, weed out the sex workers and the OnlyFans girls or the fucking weirdos that were on there. Which again, if you can meet people in person through your social network, you have a much better experience. Especially if every time you meet somebody, they’re all insecure. I would have to say more than likely. He’s probably doing online dating only.
This girl I’m talking to you about, almost forced me to meet her friends. I know we shouldn’t accept date groups in the beginning. I accepted because I don’t give a fuck and I like to meet new people, but I guess she did that to see how I act with other people. After that she said they loved me.
Again, it’s like, so you’re violating principles in The Book to please a girl. And in this case, it went well. But at the same token, that’s a pretty serious thing right away to meet her friends when she’s not emotionally bonded. It just sets up a bad pattern for yourself to start doing those things. I’ve done countless email newsletters over the year with guys that did exactly that.
They went out on a group date, or they drank too much in the group date, or they said something, or there were male orbiters and part of our friend group that wanted to date her. And so, they start trying to cock block the guy, and it’s just a bad way to go until she’s in love with you, and is emotionally bonded to you. Then you set yourself up for the conditions where you can get cock blocked.
The problem here is I’m an over-thinker, when the girls say this shit to me, I start to think I’m the problem, and that I’m going to lose these girls. Obviously, I don’t show them that, but in my mind, I’m thinking that, and I literally fight the voices in my head that say, “text her, just do it” ha-ha! Like your book says, I’m trying to make the girls doing almost all the pursuing, but I’m afraid of exaggerating.
This kind of stuff is happening to me a lot. What is your opinion, should I reach more?
No. I mean, The Book is working as designed. It’s right away. I mean, you had 3 or 4 dates with this particular girl, and you already know right away she’s pretty insecure and kind of neurotic. And so, just imagine, fast forward six months and you get into a relationship with this girl. Since she didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, she’s automatically going to assume the worst. If you didn’t take the garbage out, it’s because you don’t love her. If you didn’t call her back quickly enough, it’s because you don’t care.
And so, everything is going to be soothing her ego, soothing her childhood wounds that her dad messed up on. And that’s not easy going, easy to get along with. That’s somebody that’s you telling her how much you care or doing things, is you’re doing things to not piss her off so she won’t get mad at you. And after only a handful of dates, you’re already doing things and you’re violating principles because you don’t want to piss her off. That’s a bad way to go. That’s the same thing as the, happy wife, happy life nonsense.
Because the guys that say that typically are people pleasers. And women don’t respect guys that are pleasers. And so, you might have to pull this girl aside and just say, “look, you getting upset at me all the time. It’s a huge turnoff. It’s like, if you miss me, reach out. Don’t miss me, and give me a hard time and demand that I call you or I text you, or I do all these ridiculous things. If you miss me and you want to see me, call me and tell me that and we’ll get together. I don’t want to get phone calls and texts from you where you complaining all the time. It’s like, that’s not fun.
I want to when I see your name pop up in my phone, I want to be excited that you’re reaching out to me. Not like, oh, shit, what’s she pissed about now? What’s she going to give me a hard time about now?” You want a woman that brings peace in your life, not a woman that disturbs your peace.
And so, what you’re not paying attention to, is these women are disturbing your peace. As you said, they make you feel anxious. And you don’t want to be with a girl that makes you feel anxious. You want a girl that adds to your peace. So when you get around her, she’s not like, “How come you didn’t call me? You only call me three times this week.
You only texted me three times this week.” You want to say, “oh, I missed you. It’s so nice to hear from you. I want to see you.” That’s what you want to hear. Because that makes you feel good. That makes you feel relaxed. And if the girl is doing the opposite, if she’s already complaining after a few weeks, I don’t think this guy’s even had sex with this girl yet.
And she’s already getting mad at him. What do you think’s it’s going to be like in six months? She’s really going to be pissed at you. Then everything is going to be she’s always assuming the wrong thing because she’s not reacting to you, she’s reacting to the dad that did a shitty job raising her. That’s something to think about.
This kind of stuff is happening to me a lot. What’s your opinion? Should I reach out more?
Definitely not.
Is that normal to try to make me exclusive too soon?
Only insecure girls whose fathers did a shitty job.
If I text her, what should talk about?
The phone is for setting dates again. You go out with a couple of girls and they complain, and you’re ready to basically take The Book and turn it into a Frisbee and then start jumping through your butt to please them. You already said you’re starting to feel anxious.
So if you start jumping through your butt to please them, you become a people pleaser and women don’t respect that. What do you think’s going to happen then? She’s going to become bitchy and she’s going to become mean, and she’s going to become angry and really seek to punish you, and it’s going to get even worse.
I guess maybe it’s kind of different for young and old women.
Love you man,
Bob
No, it’s kind of different because you’re dating mostly insecure women. And so, like I said, if you’re only relying upon the dating apps to meet women, then you should be doing something to improve your social life so you can meet women in person. The kind of women that you’d want to date instead of just going after needy, neurotic, broken women that are on the dating apps because you’re going to get a higher incidence of them on the dating apps, versus if you meet somebody that comes from a good family who loves her mom, who loves her dad, whose parents have a good relationship, dad’s in his masculine.
He’s the head of the household. Mom respects dad. She’s not constantly browbeating dad till he just gets to the point where he’s like, fuck it, do whatever you want kind of attitude. Because if that’s what happens, if the father is just like, he gets nagged and he’s just like, ah, fuck it, whatever. Do whatever you want. You’re going to do what you want anyways. Then that’s what the daughters learn. The daughters learn. If you just nag and berate and annoy the shit out of your man, eventually he’ll just give in to get you off his back. That’s not easygoing, easy to get along with.
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