If She Doesn’t Respect Her Father, She Probably Won’t Respect You
Why dating a woman who is rude and disrespectful to her father means she will probably treat you the same way.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about 4 months. He tends to be overly emotional and gets butt-hurt too easily. He says he is a little bit on the needy side and doesn’t have much of a life outside of his girlfriend. She recently was very rude, disrespectful and short with him after getting back from vacation together. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, If She Doesn’t Respect Her Father, She Probably Won’t Respect You.
Well, I’ve got an email from a guy who he’s been dating a girl for about four months, and things have been going pretty good. But he said recently they got back from a vacation, and she was just really rude, really disrespectful, really made him feel like she was totally taking him for granted, which is often something that a lot of guys feel, especially when they’re in the mode of doing things and spending money and taking girls places and having great dates and putting a lot of thought and effort into it. And it just feels like the woman doesn’t appreciate what the guy is actually doing.
So, it’s a pretty common thing. But this particular girl, after they have this dust up here, he’s trying to set the healthy boundaries and he’s getting friction. On top of that, she does not appear what he says, she doesn’t really have a great relationship with her father. So, because the reality is women who love and respect, and admire and look up to their fathers are kind to them, are respectful. They respect his authority. They listen to him.
They take advice from him. They’re not talking back. They’re not being rude and condescending. Now, women that come from homes where the guy’s soft, or he’s a beta male, the mother is very domineering, and walks all over the father, berates the father, is abusive verbally, and emotionally and mentally towards the father. And she grows up in an environment like this, typically you’re going to see both women or all the women in the family ganging up on the father, and browbeating him, and he’s just going to take it.
And so, these women are used to that. They’re used to being rude. They’re used to being disrespectful. They’re used to constantly questioning everything their father tells them because, quite frankly, if they don’t respect their father, they’re typically not going to respect the authority of other men in their lives. They might be good for a period of time, but when they’re emotionally conditioned to be this way and they think in terms of, men are not worthy of their respect, then they’re going to be pretty belligerent.
And it’s only when they’re really afraid of losing a guy that they’ll behave. But even then, the longer you’re together, if that’s who she is, if that’s the way she is and she’s emotionally anchored to be this way, and there’s so many men in the world that are willing to facilitate that behavior and enable it. She’s probably not going to change. And this is really important when it comes to vetting because, again, if she doesn’t respect her father, she’s always trolling her dad and jerking him around and being abusive.
And the mother is browbeating him as well. That’s just typically how she comes to view men in general, and that’s how they tend to show up in relationship. And you have to decide whether or not that’s the kind of woman that you want to put up with. Because, like I say, easygoing, easy to get along with.
Now dust ups are going to happen. She’s on her period. Or you had a bad day at work or whatever and you snap at each other. It’s like, the longer you’re together, it’s going to happen. People get on your nerves. Your girl’s going to get on your nerves, you’re going to get on her nerves. It’s just going to happen. And so, it’s like after that happens, it’s like, can you apologize to one another for being an ass, and move past it?
Or, is it just this is the way it always is. They’re just constantly an ass to you, and then even after you set the healthy boundaries, they’re going to probably eventually continually violate it. And then you’re left with a decision, “Do I want to put up with this?” “Can I see myself putting up with this or not?”
Hey Coach Corey,
Let me first say thank you for your work. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without your help.
I have a girlfriend I met maybe 4 to 5 months ago at this point. I love her and its reciprocated. I manage well how much she tells me these things versus how much I do although I want to tell her it way more than I already do. It’s hard for me to not pour myself more into my partner emotionally.
She’s not there to be your mommy or your therapist. She’s supposed to be your teammate. You’re supposed to be the rock in the mountain. If you want to get all girly and in your up in your feelings and everything, do that with your guy friends. When you go to your woman with your emotional problems, your business problems, your life problems, she’s just not set up to do that. You hear it in the culture, the feminists tell you, “Oh, you got to be vulnerable and talk about your feelings all the time.”
It’s the bottom line is when you do it, you could see it in her body language. You can see it in her face. You can tell it just even though they’re trying to be supportive, it is turning them off, and turns their stomach. That’s the harsh reality. A lot of guys don’t like it. A lot of guys want to feel like they can just lean on the girl when they’re going through a difficult time and treat her like one of their beer drinking buddies.
But if you’re supposed to be the leader and you’re the teammate and you’re basically going to her and telling her that you’re full of fear and you don’t know what to do and you’re unsure of what to do, and you’re asking for her to tell you what to do. You’re no longer being the leader. Now you’re going to her and acting like a little boy that needs his mommy to give him an attaboy or something.
If you want them to follow you and admire you and respect you and look up to you, it’s like you don’t go to your women with these problems. I didn’t make them this way. That’s just the way they are. And I talked about this many times in the past. I got clients that been with their wives over 30 years, and they’re always the alpha, always fit, always in shape. They go through a difficult time.
They lose a lot of money in the market, or their business partner screws them over, or something happens in their industry, or they have a health challenge, and then they get into an extended period of time, six months to a year or more, and they basically start treating their wives like their mommies, or their therapist, and they always get turned off, even after many decades together, even after raising great kids together. It’s just I see the same pattern over and over and over again.
It’s like you just cannot do it. Women, on average, based on what I’ve seen, typically will give you 6 to 12 months to get your shit together. Because quite frankly, that is enough time for a man to turn his life around if he’s going through a rough patch. And if it goes on beyond that, then it’s kind of like learned helplessness.
And all he’s doing from that point forward is communicating he’s incompetent, and he has no confidence in himself. And if you’re not confident in yourself, your woman is certainly not going to be confident in you and your leadership ability. She doesn’t want to be the man in the relationship, and she doesn’t want control, doesn’t want the power.
And if you put her in that position, you’re going to turn her off, and you’re going to dry her pussy up. That’s just the way it is. I didn’t make them that way. If you don’t like it, talk to the big man upstairs. It’s just the way it is. I’m just here to tell you the facts, and you can do with the information what you will, but you can ignore it at your peril.
It’s rewarding for me to feel these positive feelings together.
You’ve seen too many Disney movies, dude. Stop acting like a girl. These are not the kind of things you share with the women in your life.
For reference, I am a little bit on the needy side and don’t have a ton to do without my partner that feels really satisfying but I do manage how much pressure is on her and allow her to feel space.
It’s like you need to get a life, dude. You need to get some friends, spend time with your friends, reconnect with old friendships you may have let go by the wayside. Take care of your body. You don’t have to be Mr. Olympia, or a dude is pumping himself full of steroids and other things. Just be fit and in shape, be lean and mean like Steve McQueen.
Have you ever seen anything on Steve McQueen? He was the man. There was a great documentary that was made, I don’t know, eight, ten years ago at this point called, “I Am Steve McQueen.” He’s been dead since 1980. So, we’re talking, what, 43 years now?
And the women in his life, the women that he loved, even when he was bad to them and treated them poorly, they still gush about him, 40 years later. And they had some other women, some famous models, and they all gushed about them. And there was a reason for this.
He wasn’t some big, bulky, huge dude who pumped himself full of steroids. He trained, he was fit. He was in shape. He trained with Bruce Lee. He knew how to fight. He didn’t take shit from nobody. And if you mess with them, he had no problem punching you in the mouth.
He wasn’t going to take. As his famous quote, which I have in in my place, in my kitchen. Like when you walk in the front door, you see it. It’s got a picture of him. He’s holding like a 22 revolver. I think the picture was taken in the early 60s. And the quote was, “I live for myself, and I answer to nobody.” That’s what a man does. It doesn’t mean he’s a selfish prick. It just means he’s his own man.
He doesn’t need a woman to validate him, or to be his mommy or his therapist. He was a man. He was a leader. He handled things. He’s not sitting around crying in his beer. “Oh, poor me. Life’s so hard. Oh, will you be my mommy?” It’s like he never behaved that way. But he didn’t take shit from anybody. And that’s what a man does.
So obviously, this guy is a little bit on the needy side. So, what he’s going to tend to do is call too much, text too much and be constantly looking for reassurance that she still likes him, because he didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. So, that’s his natural inclination, is to treat her like a mommy and a therapist and need attaboys and approval from her. So, he’s going to be fighting these urges to do this. Whether he realizes it or not. This is his conditioning that he’s working to overcome. And it’s a daily challenge.
She’s intelligent, logical and also whimsically emotional like women tend to be. The problem is that she clams up from time to time under moments of stress. She will start feeling more distant, could shouldering and being logical but not sweet.
So, what that tells me is that she moves into her masculine, and acts more manly, when she’s under stress. And if you’re coming to her acting trying to treat her like your mommy and your therapist, you’re forcing her into her masculine energy, which makes her resent you. It’s disgusting to women. It pisses him off. When you don’t act like a leader, it’s upsetting to them. Again, I highly recommend you see the documentary, I am Steve McQueen. He was the man for a reason.
It appears things might be okay but eventually she will bring up what I did wrong or what she felt. I usually comfort her and make her feel heard, but she crossed a line recently. We got back from vacation, and she was under a little stress, and she gave me an attitude and pushed me away. I am all for needing space.
Remember, this guy has a problem with being needy and clingy, so she’s pushing you away. You’re probably, whether you realize it or not, also acting needy and clingy, and starting to treat her like your mommy, and it’s disgusting to her.
And so, on top of that, she’s in a bad mood. And then you force her into her masculine because you’re acting like a little girl, because you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. And I can say this because I was the same way. My parents were emotionless, affectionless zombies. They never touched us; they never hugged us. My grandfather, when he would come over to the house during Christmas, would reach out his hand and shake our hand. Like, whatever.
That’s just the way they were. And so, you have a tendency when you’re starved for affection, that when you grow up, you need it from the people that you’re with. And what happens, though, is you act like a little boy, and you treat women like you would treat your mommy. And it’s disgusting to women, especially when you’re trying to have an adult relationship with them, and you’re acting like a little boy waiting for them to tell you what to do. You can do it for a little bit, but they’re not going to put up with it long term.
So, the other thing this guy’s got to keep in mind is when he’s acting like a little girl, it’s making her act manly, and she’s going to resent it and push him away, because he’s not able to be the leader. He’s abdicating the leadership role and looking to her to be his mommy.And that’s one of the reasons why she will get turned off and push him away.
I am all for needing space but the disrespectful attitude out of nowhere feels too jarring and too ungrateful.
Well, guess what? Typically, around the period, every woman is different. But most women tend to get a little crankier sometimes when they’re on their period, some worse than others. Some, don’t get cranky at all, and they’re just sweet. They might not feel well, but they don’t take it out on you. And this is, again, important to look from the perspective of, how does she treat her father if she’s in a bad mood or not feeling well, does she take it out? Is she abusive to people?
Or is she just like, “Hey, I’m not feeling well, I’m just going to go lay down?” But when they take it out on you, obviously that’s not fun to be on the receiving end of it. And so, that’s part of setting healthy boundaries. But again, the longer you’re together, these things are going to happen with everybody. At some point you’re going to get irritated with one another, and snap.
It’s just going to happen. You get busy, you got kids, you got stress from work, you got stress from relatives or family, or other things going on in life. That’s just the way it is. You got to be able to talk.
And if you are an ass or if she was an ass, she needs to apologize and agree to do better next time.
Isolating from what feels like a partnership.
That’s totally understandable.
I am not sure the solution. I put my foot down when she tried to cite small past examples from the past or play aloof.
Okay, so when a woman is telling you about things you did in the past that were upsetting to her, especially when it’s something that you talked about six months or two years ago or whatever, and you thought it was resolved. And now she’s throwing the same thing in your face again. Guys tend to get very irritated with that because they’re like, “What has happened two years ago, have to do with what’s going on now? And what she’s trying to communicate and why she brings up things from the past, is she brings up the things from the past.
It’s just basically, “You’re making me feel the same way that you did then.” And you’ve got to understand that’s where they’re coming from. It’s not them saying, “Hey, this is unresolved.” “This thing that happened six months or two years ago that you thought was resolved.” It just means, “You hurt me in the same way that you did then.” That’s all. That’s all it is. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get butt-hurt, don’t get perturbed.
Just understand what she’s trying to communicate.
She worked hard to justify herself but there was no justification for the crossed line.
We’ll just say, “Honey, you’re being abusive to me.” It’s like, “I’d appreciate an apology.” “And you saying you’re going to do your best, the next time you’re in a cranky mood, not to take it out on me.” And again, this is where the relationship with the father comes in, it’s like, you can set the healthy boundaries, but if she respects her father, she’ll probably respect those. If she doesn’t respect her father, she’s going to have a real hard time respecting your boundaries.
That’s just a fact of life. I’ve dated enough women, had enough relationships in my life, to see the same pattern over and over and over and over again. Girls who have a good relationship with their dad. The dad was the authority in the home, the mother was submissive, and respectful to that. The daughter is always submissive and respectful. I’ve never seen a case where the father was the leader of the household.
The wife respected him, and the daughter respected him, and it didn’t translate over to how she treated me. Every time I’ve been in a relationship with a girl, that’s gotten verbally abusive this way and is cranky like that, it’s because she doesn’t respect dad, or dad wasn’t there. And typically, those women are much harder to deal with. And it’s not your job to fix them, or to save them, or solve their problems.
But if you love yourself, and you value yourself enough, you’ll let it slide a few times and you’ll set those boundaries. But if she continually violates it and you continually see the disrespectful behavior at home from her towards her father, or from and or the mother or the other sisters towards the father, it’s like. That’s probably not going to get better just because she’s 25, 30 years old. She’s got decades of living this way, and she’s used to that.
She might be in her best behavior for a while, but she’ll probably slip up because, again, that is what she’s learned from her family. And then you have to decide whether or not you want to put up with it. Because I’ve just learned people don’t change. They may become a better version, but they typically don’t change. And so, in this case, she might be a little bit nicer, she might have a little bit more self control.
But at the end of the day, when she’s really stressed and under pressure, she’s going to blow up on you, and be verbally abusive, and berate you just because she constantly gets reinforcement and that from her family. And so, again, it’s up to you. You want to put up with it, or not? Is the juice worth the squeeze or not? That’s where you got to put your big boy pants on and make the decision yourself.
Relationships require communication and adjustment from both people to accommodate sensitivities. How do I stop her from feeling like she can do this to me again and is it something she can’t help herself from doing? She isn’t the good relationship with her father type, but she is pretty great, and I want a future with her.
Well, again, that’s just how does she talk to her dad? How does her mom talk to her father? How do her other sisters talk to the father? Does he enable her behavior? And if so, if he’s been doing it his whole life and is used to being abused, and she’s hot and she’s done it to every guy she’s ever been with.
The chances of you changing her are like 10 billion to 1. It’s like, it’s not going to happen. It’s very, very it’s like 99.999999% guaranteed not to be workable or fixable unless you’re willing to put up with it. Again, that’s it’s up to you. That’s your life. You have to live with her. I don’t. I’m just here to tell you the way it is.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.