I Want To Win Her Back!
How to win your girl back, so she falls back in love with you and wants to live happily ever after.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a coaching client I have worked with off and on over the past five years. When I first started working with him, he had trouble approaching women, setting dates and seducing the women he wanted. He dutifully applied what I taught him to do, and within a few months he was dating and hooking up with more women than he ever had in his life.
His current girlfriend has become cold and distant over the past six months after telling her he wanted to date other people. Over the past few months, he decided he only wanted her. Now he is getting frustrated, worried and upset that he is going to lose her, and you can tell he is struggling with being patient, because she has not fallen back in love with him yet. He went from not really caring and wanting to date other people, to feeling like it’s an emergency to get her back right now. He’s in an unresourceful state that is making it really hard to do everything right. This email comes about two weeks after our last phone session, and he has disregarded much of what we talked about because he is in such a fearful state. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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My girl lives a couple of hours away, and we usually meet on weekends. We agreed to be exclusive in January this year, after I pushed her away last year. She had hooked up with her ex and was trying to get back with him, and I managed to somewhat re-attract her. She wasn’t overly eager about exclusivity, and I brought it up, not her, but she did say “okay.”
Obviously, you were trying to lock her down, because you could tell she was kind of slipping away. She was starting to get more emotionally invested in the toxic ex-boyfriend. It put you in a fearful state, and put you in a total tailspin.
My gut has always told me that something was off.
As I told you in our phone session, the reality is it takes a long time for a woman to fall in love, usually two to three months. If a guy does everything right, it’s about seven weeks from your first date to the time she brings up exclusivity. And these are normal women, not lunatics. A normal, healthy woman is going to respond great to the things I teach.
It takes the average woman about two months to fall in love, it takes time for her to fall out of love, and then once she’s fallen out of love, it takes time again for her to fall back in love. You really hurt her, so it’s going to take some time to rebuild that, because in the back of her mind she’ll be thinking, “Does he really mean it? Is he really serious? Does he really care about me?” She’s going to be cautious.
At some point, people stop putting their best foot forward. When guys aren’t feeling it anymore and things just become routine, they no longer invest the effort to court and date her properly, communicate properly and open her up properly. It happens over many months or years. When the guy realizes the woman’s leaving, she’s not happy or is not in love with him anymore, that’s when he freaks out, and that’s when the “rejection breeds obsession” tends to come in.
You said you wanted to date other people, then once you noticed she was slipping away, all of a sudden you started caring. If you practice emotional self-control, and then she falls back in love with you again, you’ve got to look at what you were thinking and feeling when you said you wanted to date other people? About 97–98% of people will get to the place where the relationship has run its course, but the average person is just too fearful to go it alone. They’re afraid they’re not going to find anybody better. But if you get her back, she’s not going to be any different than she was before. She’s still the same person, and there are some things you don’t like about her.
Like she was emotionally invested elsewhere.
It’s just a low attraction level dude. You’re expecting her to exhibit all the signs of a woman who’s in love, and the reality is, she ain’t in love.
However, your coaching helped me understand that my fears may have been clouding my judgment, and how I am showing up.
Yes, you have to practice infinite patience. You’ve got to let women come to you at their pace. It took time for her to fall in love and build that trust, and you broke that trust. She has every reason to be skeptical and doubt you’re actually serious.
That I should exercise emotional self-control and always assume the best, but look at her actions.
You also said I should plan a special date, since I said, “I will make it up to you,” regarding not seeing her the prior weekend.
Women are smart enough to know to look at a guy’s actions as a true reflection of how he really feels.
So I called her while on the coaching call with you, and we agreed to meet up Sunday. She drove to my city the following Friday, and on arriving to her apartment she texted: “Hey hun! I’m home safely. Sleep tight!” My response was, “Happy to know sweetie. If possible, I’ll pick you up if it works better. Let me know. Enjoy your night.”
I suggested a change of time, because I wanted to surprise her and take her to go see a play, which I knew she would love. I got no response until noon the following day! Her Response, “Yes hun, that’s is fine. I will come by you.”
When I saw her, she didn’t jump into my arms and kiss me passionately like she has done in the past, but appeared mildly enthusiastic.
I would say her attraction level was around a six or a seven. She’s not going to be jumping into your arms unless the attraction is an eight or a nine.
We kissed, but she pulled away first after a short time.
You’re focused on every little thing. In your mind, you think it should be better than it is. It’s not like it used to be, and it’s really bothering you, so you’re thinking, “What can I do to make this happen?” You’re looking for certainty and a sense of inner peace. You’re focusing on what may or may not happen in the future and why things presently aren’t like they were. But you only have yourself to blame, because you blew her off like she was nothing.
While driving from the play, on our way to dinner, she took out her phone and was texting other people briefly on two occasions.
We went to a nice restaurant, and at one point in the conversation, she basically told me she was feeling down. That when she wakes up in the mornings, she has no interest in getting out of bed, she pulls back the sheet over her head, she is tired all the time, and has no energy to study when she gets home. She is enrolled in an online Master’s program, and since the last two weeks, she has enrolled in two other short courses.
When I tried to open her up using your techniques, she just hinted that it was partly due to a situation at home, she lives with her family, and that she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Most of the time when a woman says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” they’re really saying, “Do you really care about me? Do you really want to know? If you do, then you’re going to keep digging because you care about me, because I’m really upset.” If you really care, you’ll want to know, because you don’t want to see your queen being down or upset. You want to open her up. Not solve her problem, but get her to talk about it, as I discuss in my article and video “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.”
She mentioned the fact that she doesn’t have access to the internet, and has been spending excessively on her cellular data plan for her research and study. So, I said that when she comes up on weekends, she can come to my place any time and use my wifi, to which she responded, she doesn’t want to inconvenience me.
The response to that would be, “Baby, you’re never an inconvenience. I love spending time with you,” because she totally doubts that you’re serious and you really mean it.
All I could think Corey, is that she now has me as her exclusive partner, and that I am ready for this girl to move in with me, marry her, and make babies with her.
Dude, you need to slow your roll, because you can’t make that decision until it gets to the point where she’s totally in love with you again, maybe six months or a year down the road. Then see how you feel about her, because you may get her to fall back in love with you again and then feel the same way you did last year. How do you think she’s going to feel if you dump her once again?
Obviously, anybody’s going to feel skittish with that. She doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t feel safe and comfortable with you, and every little thing you say, she doubts your sincerity.
Not only is she depressed instead of happy, but she rejects my attempts to support her in one of the most important things in her life.
Again, it takes time to reform those emotional bonds, and you’re upset that things are the way they are now. It’s going to take a few months. I told you that in our phone session. You have to be patient.
Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Trying to smother her and force things is not going to make her feel freedom. It will make her feel like she’s losing her freedom, and then the attraction’s going to drop. Then she’s going to pull away and test you even more.
We went back to my place had good sex, but mostly due to my efforts, and had sex again in the morning, but she was a “total dead fuck.”
Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So on some level, when you got back to your place, you should have spent more time getting her to talk. Go review “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” I also talk about this in the book.
My gut tells me that my feelings have been too clear,
Your whole focus is on yourself, but the purpose of relationships is you go there to give. You’re there to show her a good time, and you’re focused on what you’re getting out of it. When you focus on yourself, you’re going to experience pain in the relationship. You’re getting mad and upset about things, but the way she feels about you is due to your actions and how you treated her, so you’re going to have to take your time dude,
and that she is heart-broken it didn’t work out with the other guy.
I’m sure she’s upset about the other guy, but the bottom line is she chose you over him. She blew him off to get back together with you, because you’re a much better dude and better boyfriend than the other guy.
Should I continue to plan great dates and risk being dumped?
The simple formula as a man is to hang out, have fun and hook up. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You wait to hear from her, she reaches out to you and you set the next date.
Do you think I should walk, and never look-back and leave the door open?
The courtship never ends. The romance is the whole part that gets her to fall in love. Stop taking things so seriously, and just relax.
How should I word it?
You shouldn’t word anything. Just say, “Hey babe. It’s great to hear from you. I want to see you.”
Your thoughts on the best actions to win her heart back?
Wait to hear from her, then when you do, make the next date. Hang out, have fun and hook up. And then her falling in love is simply a matter of time. If you treat her right, she will definitely treat you right.
“Learning to practice infinite patience and stick to your ideals, values and goals often feels impossible when you are in a fearful state. Fear of the future and feeling not good enough will make anyone try and force things to happen, in order to gain certainty about the future and have a sense of peace about one’s current life circumstances. The key is to do whatever it takes to get yourself into a peaceful and relaxed state and let go of any attachments to your outcomes and the time frames you expect things to happen. The reality is that things never work out exactly as you expect them to, but when you can look back upon your current situation in the future, you can always see that things worked out perfectly anyway. People who are meant to be in your life will willingly choose to be there if you give them the time, space and freedom to choose you willingly, instead of trying to force things. Otherwise, you’ll drive them right out of your life and talk them out of liking and loving you.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne