How to avoid getting too carried away with a new dating prospect, so you can remain objective instead of thinking, “I knew it was too good to be true!”
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares an amazing new love story that went on for about two months. He was convinced that he had met the perfect woman. She was giving, beautiful, smart, educated, quirky and amazing in the bedroom. They got along really well, she was focused on pleasing him and he happily reciprocated.
Then, a few days before they were to go on a long vacation together, she told him something that shocked him about what was really going on in her life involving another man. He got really upset at the news and she did in return, uttering the words, “I knew it was too good to be true!” He’s obviously upset and asks my opinion on what it all means. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Two months ago, I started dating an amazing woman I met via cold approach. The last two months have been among the best of my life.
Well, ignorance is bliss, as they say.
She’s beautiful, smart, educated and quirky. The sex is incredible. She’s very giving, inside and outside the bedroom. She genuinely wants to please me, and I enthusiastically reciprocate.
We get along so well! There’s been no fighting, arguing, or drama. She’s never shit-tested me. Communication and making plans is always collaborative; it’s never about who has the “upper hand.” I’ve never pedestalized her or pressured her for a relationship. We just vibe.
That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
After a month, she gave me her schedule so we could collaborate on the best days to spend time together. After two months, I started developing feelings but stayed cool, (I’ve listened to your audio-book 15+ times).
We had planned a weekend getaway. We were excited about the adventures we’d share. A few days before leaving she dropped a bomb on me during dinner.
The whole purpose is to be infinitely patient. You can be kind of skeptical and give her the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes. But just when he thinks “this is amazing” here is the bomb she dropped on him…
She has a boyfriend who lives in Spain. They have an “open” relationship. She was flying to see him after our weekend getaway. She iterated she still wanted to keep seeing me.
You probably didn’t expect that, or maybe you did. So, how do you react to this situation? Because now you’re starting to let your emotions run away.
Her calm demeanor was off-putting, like she was discussing the weather. She asked, “Does that anger you?” It did. However, I said “no.”
Well, she could tell you were pissed off, bro. You should have said, “Obviously, that was unexpected.”
Afterwards at my house, we had amazing sex. Then something crazy happened. She opened up to me. As loving and affectionate as she was, I sensed she was always holding back. She shared experiences from her childhood that affected her self-esteem and body image. She was worried she’d picked the wrong career. She sometimes feels depressed and feels guilty, because she doesn’t have a reason to be.
So what this tells me is, at this point she really trusts you. She really feels comfortable with you, because she dropped a bomb on you, and you were like, “Ehh, it doesn’t bother me at all,” even though inside you were kind of fucking stewing. So, you weren’t really authentic. But she got to the point where she felt emotionally vulnerable, and she just shared. She felt like she could trust you with it, that you’d be kind of cool either way.
The idea, just like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” is like you’re test-driving a car. You want to remain objective, look at what people do, not what they say. You’ve got to give it time, because this is where you find out the truth of what you’re really dealing with.
When a woman starts to fall deeply in love and develop feelings for you — which obviously she was at this point, because if she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have told you — but she felt like she could reveal this. And since you were cool with that, then she decided to share all of her dark secrets.
So, a compliment to you is that you’re doing great in dating, getting her to fall for you, and now she feels safe and comfortable enough to open up to you and tell you all of her darkest, innermost secrets. And obviously, there’s some surprising things.
She said she likes traveling, because it temporarily distracts her from her depression.
Well, I had a girlfriend that I once dated. About six months into it, I found out that she was on antidepressants. She was like, “I’ve been on antidepressants that last two years, my prescription ran out a few days ago, and I stopped taking them.” Everything went squirrelly. About two weeks after that, she underwent a metamorphosis, and she was like a completely different person. It went sideways really quickly after that, because it screws with the chemical makeup of your brain. And I had no idea. She had them in her purse.
I liked that she was opening up to me, but my heart was heavy. This woman with whom I’ve had an amazing two months with had been lying to me. I disliked the idea of “sharing” her.
But you didn’t say anything about a commitment. In other words, it’s like she’s putting her cards on the table, because you’re getting close to that point where she wants to be exclusive. She’s putting her cards on the table to see how you deal with it.
She didn’t empower me to make an informed decision about how to navigate our relationship. Now I’d developed feelings!
Well, that’s your fault for developing feelings bro. Not that you’re going to be able to resist that too much. But this is why you date. Because as her emotions go up, her interest goes up, and she feels safe and comfortable with you, this is what happens. All her dark secrets come out, and then you’ve got to decide whether or not you want to live with it or not.
We’d been drinking, and I was emotionally off-center because I’d shared things with her about my mother, (an emotional topic for me). I laid there and ruminated while she played on her phone. The more I ruminated, the angrier I became.
You started to lose your shit and become emotionally uncentered. Because, up until that point, you had been putting on a pretty good act.
I got up and told her to get dressed. I was taking her home. We were finished.
Damn dude. Savage.
I won’t bore you with the details, but I said some insulting things to her. She cried hysterically. I’ve never seen a woman cry like that. I was hurting her, but I didn’t care. I felt betrayed.
Again, you didn’t say anything about a commitment. You just kind of casually dating, so as you get close to that moment, this is the kind of shit that comes out. You find out what you’re really dealing with.
Then she said something I’ll never forget, “I knew it was too good to be true!”
While driving her home, we insulted and verbally abused each other.
Well, that was productive.
The damage was done. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.
What happened? What did she mean when she said, “I knew it was too good to be true”?
Well, it’s an indication that her interest level was skyrocketing, and she’s starting to fall for you. And she’s being vulnerable and telling you all of these things, hoping that you’re still going to love her anyway. Obviously, that would be shocking for most guys. I’m not going to lie. But, remaining objective, you could have handled it differently.
You could have said, “Actually, I’m kind of pissed off about the whole thing, and it kind of irritates me that you shared this.” But there’s nothing in the email about being exclusive — boyfriend, girlfriend. You didn’t mention that, so I’m assuming that conversation hadn’t taken place. It sounds like it was getting to that point. And emotionally, that’s where she was. She was probably thinking, “I only want to be with you, and I’m going to tell my boyfriend in Spain to take a hike.”
You could have said, “Well frankly, I was thinking it was going to go somewhere, but that’s a pretty big thing to keep from me — that you have an open relationship. That’s something you should have disclosed in the beginning. That tells me that you were a little dishonest. You weren’t really forthcoming, and I don’t appreciate that. I do appreciate the fact you shared all of these innermost thoughts and feelings about your depression and the other things, but I don’t appreciate that we’re two months down the road, and now I find out you have a boyfriend in another country you have an “open relationship” with. I’m really disappointed, and I’m hurt by that.”
If you’re emotionally involved, and man or woman is going to struggle with that kind of news. That’s obviously a big, major red flag. But like I said, the fact that she said, “I knew it was too good to be true,” is telling me her interest was getting up there. If she falls head over heels in love with you, and she wants to be exclusive, as the book teaches, if she brings it up, it’s her idea, then you can be exclusive.
But obviously it didn’t get to that point. You were thinking, “This is going to be my girlfriend.” Quite frankly, realistically, any guy would have been thinking “This is fucking awesome.” So, that’s a pretty big fucking curve ball to get thrown at the last minute. But you definitely could have handled it better, instead of losing your shit and insulting each other. Because all of a sudden, you’re not happy, and she’s not happy. She cried hysterically, because she was deeply hurt by it.
So what do you do at this point? Me, personally as a man, if I had lost my shit like that and said all kinds of things, I would say, “You know what, I fucking lost my shit. I was really mad, I was really hurt, and I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have said, because we’d been drinking and I was angry. I was trying to hurt you, because I feel hurt, and that was just fucking stupid. But I’m still unhappy about the fact that you kept this from me, because that just shows me that there’s a level of deviousness and dishonesty there.”
“If you’re ultimately seeking a relationship at some point with somebody to be exclusive and monogamous with, I kind of have a hard time with that. I feel betrayed. I feel like I can’t trust you. I don’t really know you. But if you apologize, and you want to give it a shot, we can continue to date, but I can’t promise that it’s going to go anywhere or lead to me feeling comfortable enough to want to be exclusive with you.”
It’s up to you how you want to handle it, but with the insults and all these things, you lost your shit. And if a man loses his shit, you should apologize for losing your shit, because that’s just not the way to handle it. You could have been more matter of fact like she was when she was sharing this news. Because obviously, she was assuming that was how you were going to respond at that particular point.
But like I said, is this somebody you can trust and have a long-term relationship with, or get married or have a family with? That’s a major fucking red flag. I can’t make that decision for you. If you want to give her another chance, if you want to continue to casually date like you were and see where it goes, maybe go on a trip together.
And then if she’s going to go off and spend time with her boyfriend, then say, “Well, I’m going to have to call some of my other girlfriends and continue dating, because I want to find somebody that I can trust, and right now, I don’t think you’re the kind of woman that I trust. I’m willing to give you an opportunity.” But that’s a pretty big grenade that she threw into the middle of your relationship.
Anyway, that’s what it means. That’s why you can tell her emotions are high. She’s starting to fall in love, and when women fall head over heels in love, they typically want to be exclusive. And obviously, having multiple guys and having an open relationship, she didn’t feel safe and comfortable enough with the dude in Spain to be exclusive with him.
She probably continued to casually date other guys, because she just thought nothing was ever going to be as amazing, at least up until that point, as it had been with you, which is a compliment to you that you were doing most things right from the book. Obviously, you read it 10–15 times, but this is a giant fucking curve ball. It’s not my job to tell you what to do. It’s just, these are the cards that are laid on the table. This is the hand you’ve been dealt. How you play it is totally up to you.
If you want to continue on with her, you should definitely apologize for the way you handled it, because that was inappropriate, but you’ve also got to check her on the fact that she kept kind of a big secret from you for two months. So, even though she wasn’t technically your girlfriend, that just shows a level of deviousness. The ball is in your court. my friend. It’s up to you to decide what you’d like to do with it.
“People can hide who they really are for about the first ninety days of a new relationship. You should always remain objective, cautious, and selective and open minded about new dating prospects. Why? Because only after spending enough time together can you make an intelligent and informed decision on whether or not they are a good long-term match for you. Too many people get too carried away too soon with their emotions and then regret it later once they realize that they made a massive mistake.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne