I Caught My Wife Sexting Another Man. What Should I Do?
What it means and what you should do if you find your wife or girlfriend sexting another man.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who found my work about 2 months ago after he found his wife sexting another man. He’s read 3% Man once so far. They have been married for 2 years and together for 6. She was saying things to this other man that she has never said to him.
Now, he is trying to sext his wife and get her to crave him like she was thirsting after the other guy. He’s told her if she does it again he is gone and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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It’s easy for us sitting here on the sidelines and go, “Oh yeah, just divorce her,” or “Go have fun in divorce court and enjoy all that stuff with family court and all that good stuff.” It’s easy to say that, but as a coach, my job is to help people get what they want, not to be their priest, not to judge them, not to tell them how to live their lives. I’m here to be real with them and not blow a bunch of sunshine up there butt. I’m here to help them get what they want, but also give them the lay of the land and let them know what things are like and what the potential is for it to work out or not. Then that way the viewer, or in this case the emailer, can make an intelligent and informed decision that works for them and their family. That’s what a coach is supposed to do.
I found your YouTube channel about 2 months ago after an incident with my wife. I appreciate all your content, and I will continue to re-read your book. I just finished it about a week ago for the first time. I hope you can help me out.
He’s talking about “3% Man.” And so, 80% of the dudes that come to my work are in some kind of an issue like this. Their wife is divorcing them. They got friendzoned by the girl they were hoping to marry someday or that they thought was Mrs. Right. They get three or four dates in that they think go great, and the girl is like, “Eh.” There’s no chemistry, there’s no spark, whatever it happens to be, or they get dumped by their girlfriend. People don’t come to me when things are going well. They typically come to me when things have totally gone sideways in their life.
And so, you’ve been devoted to a woman, and remember, the number one, most important thing to us men in a relationship is loyalty. And to see something like this happening with the woman you’ve devoted your life to for six years, it’s disconcerting. It’s not fun, it’s not exciting. It doesn’t matter what the excuses are that she gives you, the bottom line is this is disloyal behavior.
And the flip side is, a good woman will try to work things out. A woman who is a ratchet and belongs the streets, this is just her nature. And every guy is going to slip up. The longer you together, the more complacent you’re going to get. And you’ll see as I go through the email, there’s a lot of things he slacked off in, and this is what happens to most people.
They get into a long term relationship, they move in together, they live together, they get married, they have kids. They stop working out, they let themselves go. And then, the next thing you know, your wife is sexting another man because, a) she doesn’t feel heard and understood, or b) they stopped dating and courting her a long time ago.
Women want to be in a love story. That doesn’t excuse the fact that she’s sexting another man because he stopped doing the things that he needed to be doing. Because, really, this is an issue of attraction. And then the other issue is, does she have integrity? Does she have loyalty? And quite frankly, if she’s sexting another guy, that’s not a good thing.
We’ve been married for 2 years and together for 6. So, about 3 months ago, I found some unsavory sexts between my wife and some random guy, (he supposedly lives out of state). I saw pictures and sexual talk between them. The conversations I saw are nothing I’ve ever seen or heard from her to me, ever.
Yeah, it’s like, “Wow, she’s talking to this guy in a way she’s never talked to me.” And that is indicative of attraction. Like I say all the time, most people settle. That’s why the book is titled “3% Man.” It’s not 97% because 97% of people are just regular, average, mediocre people that live mediocre lives. Most people major in minor things. And that’s just the way it is.
Maybe she settled for him. Maybe she was really attracted to him and in love at one point and he didn’t maintain that. Because a big complaint that women have about men is that once they get into a relationship, after a period of time the courtship stops. They think, “Hey, I won her. She’s mine. I don’t have to date her anymore. We’ll just live together and order pizza and 2-liter bottles of soda on Friday night and put a movie in for the kids. And hopefully we’ll have sex every couple of weeks.”
Unfortunately, for a large majority of people that are in relationships, that’s how it goes. It doesn’t sound very exciting to me, but that’s how the average person is typically living their life — living lives of quiet desperation, majoring in minor things.
After I confronted her, I asked wtf was going on. She says it was only sexting and nothing came of it. (She deleted and blocked his number after this.)
Well, as far as you know, it’s really easy to unblock them.
The reason she gave was that she had resentment for me and felt like my mom.
So, he stopped being the leader of the household. Women want a man, they can follow his lead. And if she’s being your mommy — in other words, you got into a relationship, you got married, and you made your girlfriend or your wife your mommy — that’s not good.
I realize that I was absolutely not being the man and being beta.
It’s an issue of attraction. If you get into a relationship, and then you basically start acting like one of her children, I mean, at some point, every woman is going to get tired of this. When you’re dealing with a situation like this, it really boils down to, what’s her level of integrity? Will she do these things and line up a guy behind your back so she can monkey branch when it looks like it’s going to work out with somebody else?
Or will she try to resolve things with you? And if you don’t listen, which a lot of women say, “you never listen to me,” at some point they’re going to give up. Now, a woman with no integrity is going to cheat and lie to your face and carry on a relationship. And when things look good, then she’ll dip out on you. A woman with integrity, she’ll just leave you and and serve you with divorce papers. And you’re like, “I didn’t see it coming.”
I didn’t listen to her, she did my dishes, laundry, etc. I was just not being attractive and taking her for granted.
Again, this is what happens with most people in long term relationships. They just get lazy and the love story ends. And women want to be in a love story. They want to be romanced. Because if you care, you do the little things. And so, for a long period of time, he took her for granted and made her feel like he didn’t care. And this new guy makes her feel exciting, and makes her feel attraction. He’s mysterious. Apparently, he’s in another state, and so she’s got an emotional connection going on with some dude she may or may not have met. We don’t really know.
Since then, I set boundaries that if it happens again, I’m gone, and she wants to work through it.
Well, it takes two people who want to work things out in order for it to be able to work out.
I’ve been getting back in shape, listening to her, stepping up around the house, (equally, I’m not a maid), taking her back on dates, etc. She’s not nagging or mean anymore!
Yeah, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs close. I’ve done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the last 20 years, and with every guy in these situations it’s the same thing. They don’t make her feel heard and understood and the courtship ended, and that was the whole reason they got into the relationship in the first place. And when the guy stops doing these things, and on top of that he let himself go physically, not only is he not acting attractive, he’s literally becoming physically unattractive to her.
Our sex life seems to be a lot better, about 2–3 times a week.
That’s good. In the long term studies they’ve done, couples that are happy, that have been in relationships many years, are typically having sex at least 2 to 3 times a week. When it’s less than that, the relationship never works out. The numbers are the numbers.
My issue now is I have been trying to sext with her, because I want that same connection.
Well, you can’t force it. You have to let her come to you.
She was straight thirsty for this guy.
Yeah, because her attraction built to the point where she got thirsty. She was craving something she couldn’t have. Scarcity creates value.
I am not getting any luck in that department and not sure why.
Well, don’t try to be this other dude. The important thing is that you’re making her feel heard and understood, and then you’re actually dating her. Because if you don’t date or court your wife, somebody else will. And that’s what was starting to happen with this guy. Somebody else was starting to date his wife.
Now, I don’t know anything about the other guy because nothing is mentioned. It apparently was just sexting. He’s out of state. I don’t know whether that’s true or not. It could be a total lie. She could have been hooking up with who knows. So, I’m just giving them the benefit of the doubt that the dude’s out of state. She blocked the guy.
He’s making her feel heard and understood, and he’s dating and courting her. And so, what you’ve got to understand, in your particular situation — as I discussed in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and I discuss it in the book as well — is that it takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love. And if they’ve fallen out of love, it will take time for them to fall back in love.
She didn’t get straight thirsty for this other guy at the snap of a finger or overnight. It happened slowly over time. And therefore, her becoming more and more attracted to you is going to happen slowly over time. It’s going to take several months.
I really want to be more dominant and lead the conversation to that, but she brushes it off and says if I only wanted sex then she wouldn’t have married me.
What does that mean? Why is she saying that? It means she wants the connection. And this is where feeling heard and understood is the important thing. You take the time to listen to her. You take the time to open her up. Just like I talk about in the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” You must do that.
And you should be doing that with all of the women in your life. You should take the time to make your mother feel heard and understood, or your sisters, and even your female coworkers. Just take the time to listen to them. Because if they feel like you’re willing to take the time to listen to and understand them and hear them out, it makes them feel like you care.
And if women feel like you care about them, they typically will care back, and they will appreciate you more, and like you more, and be willing to do things for you. If all the girls that you work with just love you and think the world of you, they’ll do all kinds of things for you. And that’s what you want. You want the women in your life to be your allies and your cheerleaders and to look out for you.
I’m not sure her sexting the guy was fantasy, if she likes to talk like that, or wth to think. She still texts me at work about other things, but never sexually.
It’s like, that’s okay. It doesn’t sound like it’s something you’ve ever done. It’s not the end of the world. Besides, love is playful and fun, and that’s the important thing. And that’s part of being playful and fun — as she gets opened up to you, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected. If you’re doing what’s in the book and you continue to stay committed to it, over time, she will become so attracted to you and so in love with you that, quite frankly, she’s going to want sex more than you. And that’s where you want to be as a man.
If she’s craving sex with you, she’ll flirt with you, she’ll do things. She’ll come up and rub you, she’ll rub up against you. She may crawl on a bed naked when she doesn’t normally do that. She’ll do all kinds of things to get your attention, sexually. But it is a process.
Also, she hasn’t initiated sex and I’m not sure if I should just pull away my time/attention, or if that’s part of what led me to this situation in the first place. She used to initiate in the beginning of the relationship and we had makeup sex after this situation. I’m getting in it, so not sure if I’m just not giving her space to initiate.
Yeah, you can’t start smothering her because then you can be chasing her away. The problem is that she tried to get your attention in the relationship for a long period of time and you were just checked out. You weren’t paying attention, and like you said earlier in the email, you weren’t even listening to her. So, at some point, she gave up. You didn’t want her attention, some other guy did, so she gave the attention to him.
You still have to let her come to you. And that’s why you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times. Just because you read the book once doesn’t mean you’re done. You’ve got to commit to apply these principles. And that includes becoming more attractive. That includes getting your ass in shape continuously. Not saying, “Oh, I’m going to get myself in shape so she likes me more,” and then as soon as you think you’ve got her back to where she once was, you just let yourself go all over again. You have to work out and take care of you for you, because you want to stack the deck in your favor.
Giving it up is one thing, but I want to feel wanted, like she was doing over texts to that guy.
Again, you’ve got to stop obsessing over that. You’ve got to control the controllables, which is how you show up. And you need to become the most attractive man that you can be. Because here’s what will happen; as you get more fit, and you get into shape, and you start wearing tighter fitting clothes, guess what? Other women are going to notice you.
Especially when you guys are out on dates, your wife will see other women checking you out. If you’re at a party, and she sees other attractive women, especially younger women, talking to you, and you’re fit, and you’re in shape, that’s going to cause her to be a little fearful. That’ll cause her to worry that she could potentially lose you to another woman.
And so, what will that cause her to do? She’ll try harder to get your attention. But what’s happened is that you completely let yourself go, and you displayed a lot of unattractive behavior. And now you’re making yourself more attractive, especially as you become more charming and playful, and banter with her, because love’s playful and fun. It’s a process, dude. You’ve got to take the time.
But you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times. You know, you’ve been following me for three months now, and you’ve just gotten through the book once. And now, all you’re doing is whining and complaining, “She’s not doing this. She’s not doing that.” It takes time. If you’re a serious student and you really want to save your marriage, you’ve got to learn the book. And if you’re not willing to learn the book, eventually she’s going to cheat on you and leave you. That’s just a fact of life. If you don’t date your wife or your girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. So, you better get your shit together, dude.
I know in your book you say to not chase the woman, not sure how this applies to this situation, because she still texts/calls and wants to spend time with me.
Well, your job in the courtship is to simply create the next opportunity for sex to happen, and to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. That’s what a date is. When you get home at the end of the day, the first thing you should say to your wife is, “Hey, babe, how was your day? Tell me about your day.” That’s part of opening her up.
You don’t have to be going out seven days a week and having expensive dinners, and expensive trips, and all these things. You’ve just got to take the time to make her feel heard and understood. You can have a great date night in front of the fireplace with a bottle of wine and some snacks, as you’re listening to her talk, and slowly undress each other. It’s a process, man. You’ve got to commit to it.
It just feels off sexually in the bedroom and texting. We’ve never sexted before, but now I know she has that in her and I want that piece of her too.
I hope to hear from you soon and I appreciate your time, man!
Well, it’s going to take time and you’ve got to stop trying to force things. You’ve got to learn the book backwards and forwards, because what’s happening now is you’ve learned a few things from the book and the videos that you’re watching, and you’ve made some adjustments, and she’s feeling attracted to you again. But it’s a process. That’s why you need to read the book 10 to 15 times so you can be able to look at her, and listen to her, and know exactly how she feels, moment by moment, so you can take corrective action when need be.
Reading the book once, you maybe got 7%, maybe 8% of it. The most efficient way to get through “3% Man” is to have an audiobook, and either watch the Kindle or look at a paperback or hardcover version as you’re listening to it on 2-speed. If you do that, you can get through the book in under 4 hours, and then that’s the best way to get your 10 to 15 reads in.
And if you’re looking at a physical or digital copy as the words are being spoken, it’s the most focused that you can be. Versus just listening to the audiobook in the background while you’re working out, or you’re at work, or you’re mowing the lawn, or you’re driving in your car, or you’ve got it playing in your Sonos sound system throughout the house as you’re doing chores. You’ve got to really focus on this material, so you can learn it and commit it to memory, and that way you don’t have to think about it. That’s the best thing that you can do.
So, if you’re in a similar situation like this and you want to get my help and turn things around, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.