How To Make Her See You As An Alpha After Acting Like A Beta
How to romantically attract a woman, so she sees you as an alpha after acting like a beta.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who for several months acted like a beta male to a woman he has been dating. He was needy, clingy and pushed for a relationship way too soon. He also constantly sought her attention and validation so he could feel secure in his own manhood. Then he found my work and started implementing it.
She has become more attracted and is starting to pursue more, but he wants to know if it’s possible for her to perceive him as an alpha, despite the fact he’s acted like a beta male for most of the 6 months they have been dating. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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What I really liked about his email is that his experience with women, especially this particular woman, is what most of us experience when we start dating somebody we really like and we don’t know any better. Because a big part of my work for my heterosexual clients, my gay clients, my lesbian clients, and even my trans clients, because I have many trans clients as well, is that it’s an issue of attraction.
How do you display what is naturally attractive to your dominant essence, so the person that you’re attracted to, which is going to have the opposite essence, finds you attractive instead of getting turned off? So you cause them to feel deep feelings of romantic attraction, instead of platonic feelings of friendship, or even worse, getting them to the point where they just have utter contempt for you.
And so, this guy is just displaying a lot of this unattractive behavior. He’s needy, he’s clingy, he’s focused on locking the girl down to a commitment. He’s constantly trying to find out where he stands with her. And then he comes across my work and he gets kind of disgusted with himself with how unattractive he has acted. And so, he started implementing what’s in the book, and it’s definitely having an effect, but you can tell he’s still worried about seeking her attention and approval. And so, it’s a good email, especially for people that might be new to my work, to kind of understand what you’re going through and why you’re getting undesired results in your romantic partner.
Thank you so much for your work. I just discovered you in December, and I have a huge struggle with the illusion of action, but I’m an addict in recovery. Could you comment on the above question with regards to my situation?
I’ve been in my current situationship since August. She is the most coy person I have ever known, and that mystery definitely is intriguing. So much so that in October I decided that what would make her like me more…
Remember, this is what we all see in the movies and TV.
…was if I closed my dating apps and stopped talking to other women and then tell her that I did it!
So, you can seek her approval and you can get a little “attaboy.” Again, this is what you see in TV and movies all the time, and that’s feminine behavior. And so, if you’re attracted to a masculine essence and you display feminine behavior, good, you have balanced sexual polarity. But in this case, this guy is a masculine essence attracted to a feminine essence, and he’s acting too feminine. He’s acting like a girl, basically, and that’s why he’s turning her off.
And intellectually, she knows he’s a really great guy and she should feel something more for him, but that’s the issue. Women don’t care how much you like them or what a good guy you are. They only care about how you make them feel. And so, the goal is we want them to feel attraction. And the number one most important thing that women in a relationship find attractive in men is confidence. And that includes gay lesbian, including trans people.
What is your dominant essence? You have to display behaviors that are aligned with your dominant essence if you want to attract the opposite essence. It’s a fact of life. You can go against it, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
I also told her I loved her and that I wanted to think about a more serious future with her. She just replied that she didn’t know me very well yet.
Guys that are familiar with my book “3% Man” understand what that means, that he is further along romantically, emotionally and in his feelings than she is. Women fall in love slower than men do, and that’s why it’s always better if you create the conditions where she’s doing most of the pursuing and getting your attention.
Because if you’re trying to get her attention constantly, you’re acting like another girl. You’re acting like another woman, another feminine essence, if you will. And that causes her to have feelings of platonic friendship towards you, not the type where she wants to tear your clothes off and beat up your pelvis.
At that point I was still clueless about what that meant. After more dates, more fun, more hanging out and hooking up in November, she told me, “I love spending time with you, but that scares me.” I had no idea what this meant either…
Part of what’s scaring her is she doesn’t feel safe. She doesn’t feel safe because he’s not constantly in his masculine. He’s vacillating back and forth. So, when he asks real masculine, she’s turned on and attracted to that. And then, the next day he might be acting needy and clingy and unworthy, or just trying to find out where he stands with her, so then he’s acting feminine. And that causes her to not feel safe.
She doesn’t feel like she can trust his masculine core, because he’s not consistently masculine. He vacillates back and forth, and when he acts feminine, she gets turned off. That’s what makes her feel unsafe. She doesn’t feel like she can trust him. In other words, she can’t trust who he’s going to show up as on a day to day basis.
…but I know now that this statement means she felt I was smothering her, and she was going to lose her freedom if we kept hanging out.
That’s also true. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And if you’re trying to smother somebody and force them to stay or convince them to stay, instead of getting them to try to convince you why you should be in a relationship with them, you’re going to repulse them.
In December, she went on a trip with one of her girlfriends. Even after her warning in November, I was still initiating contact every day, and I could feel her attraction getting lower.
So, he’s just barraging her with incoming messages, because he feels insecure. He doesn’t trust that deep down she’s going to like him. And so, in order to make up for the fact that he doesn’t feel he deserves her or is capable of just being awesome enough for her to want to stick around, he tries to force it. And this makes her feel like she’s losing her freedom.
It’s the same analogy as after your cat has gotten done purring and being petted, and then it jumps out of your lap and wants to go do something else, and you go pick it up and forcefully put it back in your lap, it’s not going to like that. It’s going to get turned off, and then it’s going to flee. It may even pull out its claws and start hissing at you. And women, metaphorically, do the same thing when you smother them, when you chase them.
You have to let women come and go like cats. You want to almost have the attitude of “I dare you to find somebody better. You think you can do better than me, then go.” Like the Tom Petty song, “Good Love is hard to find… If I don’t take you all the way, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.”
She didn’t text me at all on the trip. Two days later, after about 4 texts with no response…
That’s a bad way to go, my man.
…I looked for her dating profile online and found that she had updated her location to where she was on vacation.
Oof, that’s what we call chasing her right out of your life. That’s just acting needy, neurotic, “Mommy, please pay attention to me.” She wants a man, not a little boy.
I felt hurt by this, and to make matters worse, I called her and asked, “Is there something wrong with us?” To which she replied, “No, we’re fine,” in a very non-convincing way.
When a woman says “It’s fine, we’re fine,” it’s not fine.
She did communicate with me more after that, but I felt it was more out of sympathy than desire.
I felt disgusted by my insecure behavior. It was then in the first week of December that I found your videos through searching about how to make a woman’s attraction rise.
I mean, that’s basically what the book teaches. And that’s why it works for everybody. That’s why it works for heterosexual people, that’s why it works for gays, that’s why it works for lesbians, and including trans people. If you act in alignment with your natural dominant essence, you’re going to attract the opposite of that. And if you act with behaviors that are the opposite of your natural essence, you’re going to repel the essence you’re trying to attract.
I bought your book immediately and am in my fourth read through it. I stopped contacting her so often, and she started reaching out to me more. Wow! The part in your book about women being like cats is so accurate!
Yeah, by this point, six months in, you, you should be doing maybe 5% of the pursuing. It’s just not necessary. The idea is, where you’re at is that you want to slowly back it off, which you’re starting to do, and you want to get to the point where she’s doing most, if not all, of the calling, texting and pursuing. Then she’s going to be seeking your attention and validation.
The reality is it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And your way to clear. Your way to clear to the point where you constantly act unworthy. And if you do that enough with women who need confidence, eventually they’re going to be like, “You know what, you’re right. You’re not worthy.”
We went on another trip in December, and she told me that she loved me, but it wasn’t very convincing. She did say that she’s never met someone like me who makes her feel good all over, but I still don’t feel like she’s in love with me.
Well, that’s why you should be looking at the attraction table that’s in “3% Man.” And it’s the chapter “It’s All in the Numbers.” It’s not an actual Excel spreadsheet. It goes by percentages. It shows you, if her attraction level is 60–70%, here are the behaviors and things she’s going to do and say, all the way up to 100%. And then, that way, based on what she’s doing and saying, you can tell how she feels about you.
You’ve got to remember, women fall in love slowly over time, and they fall out of love slowly over time. And if they’ve fallen out of love with you, it takes time for them to fall back in love with you. You can’t rush this. It’s like trying to make a rose bloom faster than it’s going to bloom. You’ve just got to let it be. Give it the sunlight it needs. Give it the nutrients in the soil. Give it enough water, but not too much water, and it will bloom when it’s ready to bloom. All you can do is facilitate it.
That’s why it’s so important to give that freedom, to make her feel like she can come and go and wonder if some other girl is going to come along and steal you from her. Because this guy was obviously in danger. If she’s updating her dating apps, she’s never asked him to be exclusive, she’s looking for somebody else. He’s literally chasing her out of his life, especially if he’s sending four messages and she hasn’t replied to any of them. That is just needy and neurotic and constantly acting unworthy.
I feel like she’s with me right now because I’m her current best option, but I don’t think she feels like I’m her actual best option.
That’s why you need to be consistent. Your job, as a man, is to display the attractive behaviors that are in the book consistently, not only with her, but with your mother, your sisters, the women you work with, the old lady in the elevator, the woman at the checkout counter, at the grocery store. Wherever you go, you want to treat all women the same.
Because if you act masculine, wherever you go, whether you’re with your girl or you’re in public with other women, you’re going to find other women coming on to you. And then, you’re going to have more choices and options, and you’re going to realize how easy it is to attract women. Because attraction is not a choice. Women are already attracted. This girl was already attracted to him, but he displayed so much unattractive behavior, it’s turned her off. But he’s still in the game with her.
Like, she would drop me right away if she found someone better than me, (because I know she’s still looking).
That’s why you should still be looking. You want to match and mirror her behavior. You’ve got to slowly back off to the point where she’s doing 90–95% of pursuing, then it’s her idea. Then she’ll be trying to convince you to become exclusive with her. I’ve done countless emails over the years, there’s countless video newsletters out there on this topic, where guys did exactly that — whether it was attracting their wife back, or their girlfriend, a girl that friendzoned them, or a girl they always wanted to date who said no, who later changed her mind.
The important thing is, as I talk about in “Mastering Yourself,” you’ve got to control the controllables. And the controllables are you taking care of yourself, working out, exercising taking care of your body. Looking good, feeling good, focusing on your purpose and mission in life, being a competent man, handling the things you need to handle as a man.
Because again, you’re still in the mindset of “I’ve got to seek her approval. I hope she likes me. I hope I can convince her to stay with me.” And that’s the wrong mindset to be in. You should have the attitude of “Let the best girl win. I’m in no hurry. I’m in no rush.” Like Rumi said, “Slow and steady like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.”
You’ve got to slow it down even more, dude. You want to go slightly slower than women go, because then they want to speed things up. They try harder to spend more time around you, and that’s what you want. They’re designed to do that. Women are designed to seek out your attention and validation. They do this naturally and instinctively, despite what the feminists say and the other nonsense that has been taught and messed up in our society in the relationships between men and women.
We’re at 5 months, still not exclusive, and I’ve started to change my behavior, but her attraction levels aren’t very high yet. We do still hook up, but it’s less frequent than in the beginning.
She’s less attracted to you right now than she was in the beginning, because you displayed so much unattractive behavior. That’s why you have to get to the point where she’s doing most of the pursuing — 90–95% is where you should be, at this point.
The more I think about our relationship, the more I believe that she has never really seen me as an alpha.
Well, you haven’t acted like it. Alphas are sure of themselves. They’re confident, they go for what they want. They’re not timid, they’re courageous. They don’t care about failure. They understand that failure is just a part of life. And you’ve got to get through the nos and the failures to learn the lessons, so you can refine your approach and get better.
More as just a fling and nothing serious.
Well, all relationships start out as casual flings anyway. It just gets to the point where the hanging out, the having fun and the hooking up is so frequent and so good, she doesn’t want to be with anybody else, because you fulfill her in every way. You push all of her buttons. But you have to give her the space to do that, to feel that, for those feelings to bubble up, and then her to act upon them.
But I want to reach the place that she does want to be exclusive with me and see me as a prize.
Well, stop focusing on a relationship, number one, because that’s still more feminine energy. You want women to be winning you over. I mean, look at the old movies, especially “It’s A Wonderful Life,” which is a great movie that shows this. The main character, “George Bailey” (Jimmy Stewart’s character), he had no desire to settle down with family and kids and stay in the little small town of Bedford Falls. He had big dreams, big goals.
He wanted to get the hell out of there, but “Mary” (Donna Reed’s character) had other plans. And she was so beautiful and so enchanting that he was like, “It really is a wonderful life after all here in Bedford Falls. Everybody I love is here. What could be better?” And in the end, when he needs help, all the other people that did leave and became rich and successful, they all come to his aid, because everybody loves George Bailey. He’s the best of the best.
So, is it possible to elevate your status in a woman’s eyes from a beta to an alpha?
Yeah. Act alpha consistently. Stop acting like a beta male. It’s pretty simple. The fact that you’re still going, “How do I get her to like me?” that’s still beta. Alphas don’t go and seek the attention of validation. They let the women win them over. It’s a mindset difference, big change.
Or is that just a losing game and I should move on with my newfound knowledge and find someone who sees me better?
You should definitely keep your options open. She’s dating other people, you should be dating other people. Because if you have other women you’re interacting with, and going out on dates with, and potentially hooking up with, it’s going to make you a little cockier. It’s going to give you a little bit more swagger. You’re going to be less inclined to put up with her BS and call her out on her BS, which is what women want. They want to be put in their place. They want to be told when they’re out of line and their behavior is inappropriate.
I know that your stuff works, because I’ve gone back to seeing other women, and it has helped me with them immensely. But I’m still curious about the possibilities with this one because I really like her.
Thanks for your help.
You’ve got to treat them all the same. You’ve got to think of the women in your life as kind of like the practice squad on an NFL team. There’s always people that are getting poached by other teams. There’s always new people that you’re signing into your practice squad. Some of them, a few of them, are getting elevated to the active roster. And so, you want to keep sorting and qualifying, and hey, may the best girl win.
The goal is you want to become competent and efficient and an absolute master of applying what’s in “3% Man,” because then you’ll be at choice. If you have many women that want to date you, and sleep with you, and want to have a relationship with you, that’s where you want to be. Because one is no choice, two is a dilemma, three is a choice. So, I would suggest at least three different women. She’s one potential girl.
So, if you have other choices, other options, especially women that are beautiful and fun, then you’ll start behaving more alpha and more masculine, and that will solve the problem. Because, really, your issue is you’ve been just displaying all of this unattractive behavior that turns her off. But you’re still in the game, because she’s still sticking around, but she needs to win you over. You need to just stop, because trying to lock a girl down, that’s feminine energy. You’re acting like a girl. That’s just going to repulse her. That is beta. It’s not alpha thinking.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.