How To Give Her Space To Miss You When You Live Together
How to give your girl space to miss you when you live together most of the time.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met his current girlfriend of 6 months after he read 3% Man 25 times. She is over at his place almost every day and night, even though she has her own place. Sometimes, however, he feels like he is being smothered and like he doesn’t have any time to himself.
He loves her because she’s hot and really great to be with, but he’s asked her to spend more time at her place so he can have some time alone. She understandably gets upset and wonders if he really wants to be with her. He asks, what is the best way to get some space and time away from her, when they practically live together, without hurting her feelings? My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He says he got into a relationship with her after reading 3% Man 25 times, and he says this is the best relationship that he’s ever had. And so, like I talk about my book, and I explain constantly in my videos, what the book does is it creates the conditions where women naturally and instinctively, because you make them feel so safe and comfortable and loved, they pretty much want your attention all the damn time.
And so, this particular viewer is in college at a very prestigious university. He’s very smart, he’s got straight A’s. His girlfriend is smart and beautiful. She’s got straight A’s. So, they’re high level, high value people. The only problem is that, even though she has her own place, she’s always with him, so he never really gets enough time or space to himself. They had some conversations about it, and he wants to know how I would handle things. But he has is a good problem. And most men, unfortunately, are not going to experience what this is like to where their woman wants their attention all the time, and that also includes sex. Typically, though, if you’ve done everything right, the woman is going to want sex more than you do, which is a good place to be. Because women are naturally, instinctively designed to seek a man’s attention in all ways.
And most men in the world are begging women for attention. But guys who know what they’re doing, they don’t have that problem. As a matter of fact, this guy’s problem is he’s got a little bit too much attention and he needs time alone in his man cave, which is also something I talk about in 3% Man. Because us guys, we want to be in a relationship, and then once we get it, it’s like, we also want our freedom to be who we are. So, it’s important to maintain your friendships, your relationships with your family, your friends, your acquaintances, to focus on your mission and purpose, to continue working out and taking care of your body, to also continue with your hobbies and your interests.
Because a lot of people, I’d say probably the majority of people, especially guys, get into a relationship and then the woman starts complaining about their hobby, that they’re spending time in the garage or the tool shed, and they’re not spending enough time with them. And so, the guys mistakenly assume, because most of them are pleasers, that, “Oh, well, let me get rid of that old car I’m fixing up and putting the souped up engine in and I’ve been working on for several years. Let me get rid of my baseball card collection, or my my Lego collection, or my Star Wars collection, or my rare coin collection,” whatever it happens to be. They start giving up their friends, their hobbies, their interests. They don’t go to the gym as much, because the woman complains, and they misinterpret it as, “Oh, well, if I just don’t do this activity, then she won’t complain anymore.”
And then what happens is, a year or two later, the guy has given up all of his hobbies, all of his interests. He stopped working out. He doesn’t have relationships with his friends anymore, because he was always too busy, because he didn’t want to upset his wife or his girlfriend by spending time away from her. And then what happens is she leaves him and says, “You’ve changed.” What happens is he’s no longer the same guy that she fell in love with. So, you have to balance a woman wanting your attention all the time without losing yourself in the process, because you’re going to resent it.
And it’s important as a man that you take at least a few hours a day or several times a week to spend time alone in your man cave, even if it’s just going to your office, or your den, or your garage, or your tool shed, shutting the door, turning some music on, hanging out by yourself for a few hours, without your girl in your face wanting your attention. So, it’s important that you communicate to her, as a man, that us guys, we need time alone in our man cave. Because we tend to solve our problems by contemplating, thinking about them, maybe going and having a few beers with the guys and shooting the shit.
Women tend to solve their problems by talking about them, not by us all of the time giving solutions, but just facilitating them talking and sharing. And then they resolve it themselves by working it out. And that’s one of the things that women are going to try to do is to get us guys to talk about things, when in reality what we really typically do as men, is we spend time alone in the man cave and we contemplate in silence, or with music on, or reading a book, or working on something that’s important to us. And in the back of our mind, we’re thinking about the things that we’re trying to solve or trying to figure out in life.
And then once we figure it out, we come out of our man cave, and our girl is like, “Hey, baby!” And so, it’s important that your girl respects the boundary when you need time alone. This guy’s struggling with it, because he’s never had this problem before. And most guys, sadly, never get to experience what this is really like. But it also feels incredibly natural. It’ll feel natural to you, and it will feel natural to her.
Your work has been incredibly helpful to me. I met my current girlfriend of six months after reading your book twenty-five times, and this is by far the best relationship I’ve ever had. She asked me to be exclusive after three weeks, and we said “I love you” a little over a month into our relationship.
So, what I talk about in “3% Man,” typically, about week 6, week 7 is usually when the woman’s in love with you.
We met at our college, which is one of the best in the world, and we both have straight A’s. She’s drop dead gorgeous and an incredibly smart, kind, and funny girl, and super into me, as I am into her.
So far, so good.
But that’s been part of the problem. While she has her own apartment, she would spend every day and night at my studio apartment for the first months of our relationship.
Women want your attention all the damn time. When they’re in love with you, they will get stuck to you like a sucker fish. And that is a compliment to you that you’ve shown up as a man. You’ve provided a container of masculinity, to the point where she feels safe and comfortable with you, and you’re her rock, you’re her mountain. She always wants to be near you. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
After struggling to balance university, work, and a new prestigious internship in music, something I’m incredibly passionate about, I felt burned out and that we weren’t communicating well. I suggested we spend a day or two apart every week, because there wasn’t room to breathe in my tiny apartment.
Well, this is what I was mentioning earlier in the video. You need to have a conversation with her and let her know that, “Hey, I need time alone in my man cave. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just us guys, we tend to internalize our problems, and you ladies tend to externalize them.” And so, you’ve got to communicate to her that it has nothing to do with her. This is just the process that us guys go through.
And so, when you’re at home and you kind of want some time alone to do your own thing, maybe just an hour or two in your office to listen some music, or to study, or whatever, close the door. Just say, “Babe, I love you to death, you’re amazing. But I need a little bit of time alone in my man cave to work on some things.” And she should respect that and say, “Okay, no problem. How much time do you need?” And you say, “Oh, 3 or 4 hours” or “I need half a day,” or whatever. “Why don’t you go see your mom. Why don’t you go hang out with your girlfriends,” or whatever. “Why don’t you go to the gym, and then that way I can spend some time alone for a few hours and recharge my battery and work through some things that I’m contemplating with a class,” or whatever it happens to be. And she should be okay with that.
This has helped…
Because what he’s doing here is like, “Hey, just go spend a couple of days away from me,” which your girl’s going to interpret that as, “Oh, he doesn’t like me.” No matter how you try to phrase it, she’s typically going to take it as a rejection, as, “He doesn’t like me being around him enough.” And you know, when you get to that point where you’re just like, “Hey, maybe a day or two apart during the week would be great,” What it really is, you’re not communicating to her when you need time alone. And so, you can be in the same house together, but maybe in a different room, or maybe you’re in the backyard and she’s in the house, or vice versa, whatever it happens to be.
When you need time by yourself to contemplate, just say, “Hey babe, I need a few hours in the man cave.” Give her a kiss, say I love you and say, “When I’m done, I’ll come out and we’ll go to dinner,” or “we’ll go hang out,” or “we’ll spend some time together.” It’s important that you tactfully handle this, because the way he’s handled it, I can tell by her reaction she’s not happy about it. And on some level, she’s thinking, “He doesn’t want to spend time with me. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t feel the same way.” And that’s not what we want.
Because love is allowing. You’re basically creating the conditions where you allow your woman to love you in the way she wants. You know, as the Thich Nhat Hahn quote goes, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” When you give women that ultimate freedom to come and go as they please, they pretty much, over time, are going to choose to always be with you, as long as you obviously are displaying the masculine strength characteristics that are discussed in “3% Man.” So, it’s it’s a good problem to have, but you’ve got to tactfully handle it.
…as I have space to read, call my mom/friends, work on music, etc. She goes to her mom’s place, which she says is inconvenient because she lives far away.
It’s inconvenient, but also she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like being sent away. She’s going to take it as a rejection on some level, no matter what you say. So, that’s why it would be better to rephrase it and say, “Hey, I just need a few hours. I need half a day in my man cave,” and you can be a one part of the house, and she can be in another. And she has to understand that and respect it. She just needs to leave you alone and let you do your thing.
She also doesn’t feel like she has a home, as she’s not living with me, at her apartment, or her mom’s place.
What she’s probably communicating when she says it doesn’t feel like she has a home, probably the way you’re going about it is making her feel like she’s not welcome. And that’s not what we want. We just want to let her know that us guys, we need time to lock ourselves in the man cave and be present with our problems. And when we’re ready and we’ve had enough time, then we’ll come out, and sweep her off her feet, and kiss her, and play and dance with her, or make love to her, or whatever.
We both feel the space is good for us, but I’d really love to spend every day with her while having that space for myself.
So, this is a simple thing. It’s not that he wants to not be with her. He just needs space for himself. But the way he’s dealing with it is obviously not ideal.
Is there anything wrong with this approach? What would you do?
Like I said, just a simple conversation about explaining how us guys, we need time alone in our man caves to do do things for ourselves, to catch up on phone calls, or whatever uninterrupted. And just tell her how many hours you need. “I need half a day.” Or “I need 6 or 7 hours to myself, because I’ve got these things to catch up on, just so I can concentrate 100%. Why don’t you go hang out with your girlfriends? Why don’t you go hang out with your mother? Why don’t you go for a walk, or take the dog to the park,” or whatever. Or go shopping, go to the grocery store or something. Just go encourage her to go do something with her friends.
Because that’s the other thing. Two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another. And like I was talking about earlier, what often happens in a relationship is we spend so much time together with our significant other that our other relationships, our hobbies, our interests, tend to fall by the wayside. And if you don’t get time alone as a man, then you’re going to start to resent it. You’ll start to get a little pissed off, and a little angry and irritated. And then you’re going to take it out on her, which is going to cause her to feel like you don’t want her around. And that’s not what you want.
It’s just you need time for yourself, and you’ve got to communicate it in a tactful way. And so, you’ve just got to be honest. And just like he said, he wants her there every day, but he needs to have some time for himself. And so, you’ve got to communicate clearly and decisively how many hours or how much time each day you need to just be by yourself. And she should respect those boundaries. And then once you’re done and you’ve had your time, just give her a kiss and say, “Babe, thanks for giving me a chance to have some time to myself in the man cave. I really appreciate you.” And then you spend time with her, and then she’ll feel happy that now you’re giving her the attention that she wants.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.