How To Get Your Mojo Back After A Breakup
How to get your mojo back after a breakup or getting friend zoned by a girl you really liked.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who met a girl he really liked and invited her to meet him while on a trip to Hawaii. He had read the book 16 times over a year ago, but did not practice at all. Therefore, he got friend zoned after the trip was over, due to numerous mistakes.
The 2nd email is from a coaching client who shares his latest successes after a breakup and phone session this past May. He got his dream job and shares how his social life has dramatically improved. His ex even reached out, but he’s moved on and is meeting and dating a lot of beautiful new women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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You guys can get a feel for light at the end of the tunnel and how quickly you can turn things around when you read 3% Man, and most importantly, when you actually apply it, because you’re only going to get better with experience. You can read the book 100 times, but if you never go out on dates, never talk to women, you’re not going to get any better and you’re going to you’re going to struggle.
So, you’ve got to practice because like I say, you never know when you’re going to meet a really great girl you click with. And in this particular case, the guy really didn’t do much, and then he was just hanging out with some friends, met a girl he really liked, and because he wasn’t prepared, you know, as Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve read your book 16 times, but the last time I read it was a year ago and I haven’t had hardly any dating experience in the last year, so I forgot a lot of little details.
Well, the idea is to read and be applying it, not read it, and then a few years later, go, “Okay, well, now I’m going to start practicing,” because by then you’re going to start to forget it. The key is, while you’re learning it, practice it, and then it starts to become you. And then instead of trying to react, you simply respond as things happen, calmly.
I met a girl who runs in the same social circle as my friends and some of my family. We hit it off immediately at a get together set up by my cousin.
These kinds of things are how the majority of people are going to meet somebody they really click with, because like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other. Whether it’s people you work with, people you go to school with, neighbors, your favorite watering hole, the social activities that you like to do, that’s where you’re going to be in a concentrated pool of like minded people. And that’s where the best connections tend to happen, versus just randomly hoping to bump into somebody walking down the street, or in the grocery store, or whatever.
It doesn’t mean it can’t happen, it just means the likelihood, just because of the numbers. You’ve got to think of it kind of like fishing. Like, my uncle likes to fish a lot. And when he retired about 10–12 years ago, there were several guys that lived in his community, because everybody’s got boats in there and stuff, and so they gave him a lot of places to go fish to catch tuna and stuff. And in the last few years, when I talked to him, I was like, “You been fishing?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Every time I go out to all the old places where I used to fish, the fish are just gone. They’re just not there anymore. They moved, or maybe they’ve been overfished, or whatever.” And so, you’ve got to find new fishing spots.
And anytime somebody does find a new good fishing spot, they tend to not like to share it, because once they share it, then everybody shows up and fishes there, and then the fish either move on or they get overfished. So you’ve got to think of your personal life that way. If you’re having a hard time meeting people, don’t go out trying to meet women. Focus on creating a great social life, and then meeting women just becomes a side effect of that.
I talk about this a lot, when I was in the real estate and mortgage industry, there was just always stuff going on there. Happy hours, you had new home builders going, “Hey, we’ve got a 1,000 lots, we’ve got 300 lots opening up. We’re having a party. We’ve got five new models, we’ve got drinks, we’ve got a band. Come out, bring your customers, bring your mortgage brokers, your realtors.” And so, there were always things like that going on.
Title companies, you go to the same title companies over and over. You get to know the girls that work there. Then you end up inviting them to happy hour. They come to happy hour, they bring their friends. And so, you’re all in the same business and you’ve got a lot of similar stories, similar things going on. And it’s just real easy to talk to people because you can relate to each other. You’ve got shared values, shared experiences. So, you’ve got to think about, where are you fishing?
I was staying at my cousin’s house, as I don’t live in town. This girl was touching me all night long, and I kissed her in her car as she left for the night. I had a pre-scheduled trip to visit my sister and her boyfriend in Hawaii a few days later, and I invited her to come along. She agreed and bought a ticket.
Well, I personally would not have invited her for a first date to come join you in Hawaii, just because now you’re inviting this girl on kind of like a group date. I know you met in a group setting, but as the book says, the idea is you do group dates when she’s your girlfriend. Because you don’t want anybody interfering or saying something.
Because a lot of people, especially guys, think they’re helping the guy out by saying, “Oh, every time he meets a girl he really likes, she just always dumps him, and nobody really sees his value like we do. But he’s a really great guy, and you should give him a chance.” And then the guy comes out of the bathroom, and your friend is thinking he’s helping you out, and he basically told this girl, who really liked you, that you’re a loser and you’re unsuccessful with all women.
He thinks he’s helping you out, and he basically helped turn her off. That’s one of the big reasons why you don’t do these things. So, he read the book 16 times, and then his first date is a group date. It’s like, Come on, man. You’re doing the opposite of what the book says.
But at the end of the day, she had a high level of comfort because it was the same peer group. So, who knows, maybe she even knew his family members because they all run in the same social circles. He did say it was part of his family. I would have just waited until I got back. Anticipation would have built. But he didn’t follow instructions.
She met me in Hawaii, and we had a magical 3 days together. I won’t go into details about how I got friend zoned, (I way over pursued), but I’ve spent the last 10 days since listening to the audiobook on repeat to not let this happen again, (currently on read number 4 this time around).
She gave me the “let’s be friends” speech a few days after we got back, and I walked away. My question is, was it a butt hurt move to unfollow her on Instagram? I think I screwed up too much and have basically written this girl off, and unfollowing the Instagram was something I did for myself…
That’s a good reason to do it, because if every time you log on, you don’t want to see your her stories or pictures or whatever, and be constantly reminded of her, if it’s disturbing your peace, then it is a good idea to do that. If you’re hoping to get another chance, I wouldn’t do that, but if it’s disturbing your peace, get rid of them.
Or if the girl is just an asshole, and you don’t really care to have anything to do with her — obviously, that’s not the case –then yeah, I wouldn’t stay following somebody that didn’t treat you good. So, if it’s self care, unfollow her. If she was a jerk, unfollow her. But if she was nice to you, and things were good, and there’s potentially another chance, and you’re not butt hurt over it, it’s not disturbing your peace too much, then leave her on there.
…because I got pretty emotionally attached.
Yeah, if you’re emotionally attached, it’s pretty hard when every day you log on, you see something from her.
I go back and forth between holding out hope, (in which case I feel like unfollowing was a petty move), and deciding it’s over forever, (in which case unfollowing feels like a necessary part of the process).
Well, like I said, if it’s disturbing your peace then unfollowing was the right move, he says.
I would love to hear any thoughts you have on this. In the future, I’m just going to keep social media out of my dating life so it’s not an issue.
Well, it would help if you actually applied what’s in the book, and not go out on a group date and have a girl meet you on a vacation with your family for your first date. That was just a bad way to go, dude. Too much, too soon. You put her on a pedestal. You started, in essence, treating her like a girlfriend. And that’s why you got friend zoned.
So, with that said, let’s look at an example of a guy who went through a difficult breakup, and how things are going really well for him six months later…
Second Viewer’s Email:
Good Morning Coach,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m reaching out to update you after our phone session back on May 10, 2022. Back story, my ex broke up with me, we dated for two years; she was in Europe, I was in the USA.
So, they were doing long distance.
She broke up with me because her feelings were gone and I did too many wrong things, such as acting needy and staying on the phone for too long. I was afraid the distance would destroy the relationship; my behavior did.
I stopped contacting her after our phone session and started reading the book. By the 12th read, she contacted me. By this time, a month had passed sense our breakup, she said, “Hey, how are you? I got a notification from your Facebook that you got the job in the Netherlands.” I told her, “Yes, I got the job. I would love to see you when I get there.” She was happy and asked me, “When are you getting here?” I said, “I will be there in August.” She said, “That sounds perfect. I’d love to see you too. If you need help, let me know.” After the phone message, she contacted me one more time, on my birthday in June, but never met again.
From that moment on, I decided to focus on my mission to be a great engineer and travel the world. Thus, before moving to Europe, I started dating and met a beautiful woman in her 30s that had a great job, and her life was in order. On the first date, I told her that I was moving to Europe, and she said, “I just met you. I don’t expect much from a first date.”
Remember, women go out on first dates with the attitude of, “Hey, let’s see what happens. Do I like this guy? Is he good for me?” That’s the attitude you should have. Not like the last guy who’s just basically, “Hey, come hang out with my family and I on our first date for three days.” It’s amazing that she accepted, that shows a high level of comfort, but he completely fumbled the football on the trip. By the end of the trip, she had no more feelings. And women only care about how they feel about you, not how much you like them or what a good dude you are.
After that first date, I would set a date every week. By the fourth week, she started reaching out to see me more.
And this is a good illustration of why you practice this stuff. So, this guy is following the book textbook. Because I did a video newsletter yesterday on a guy that had been dating a girl, they had been going out once a week for about eight weeks, and only one of those weeks did he see her twice, because she hardly wasn’t reaching out at all. She wasn’t making much effort. And so, two months down the road, she wasn’t asking about exclusivity, and it was pretty obvious that it was a casual hookup to her and she wasn’t really that into it.
She would be so excited each date saying, “You are a mystery. I love that.” She fell in love by week 7 in our dating.
Textbook! This is what happens when you prepare. Remember, Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure,” and he’s prepared. And this is great experience, because he’s learning. He’s having fun, she’s having fun.
Unfortunately, when week 8 was coming I was leaving to Europe. It did hurt letting her go, but I had set a mission in mind, and it was my purpose. She cried and told me, “I’m going to miss you.” I kissed her and said, “I’ll see you later.”
Now in Europe, I thought it would be perfect to contact my ex, as she said “contact her if I needed anything.” I never contacted her. She does look at my Instagram from time to time. However, she never reached out after texting me on my birthday.
At the end of the day, she’s the one who pushed you away, so she’s got to fix it. She knows you were going to be there. She’s looking at your stories. She’s got to reach out. Let her do 100% of the pursuing. She pushed you away, she messed it up, she’s got to fix it.
But I feel so happy with myself every day. I got the job that I wanted in Europe and get to visit different countries. I’m practicing your teachings. I have three dates this weekend, and I’m very excited to meet these beautiful European girls. Thank you for helping me find strength withing myself.
Well, you’re welcome, dude. Good job on a six month turnaround, stinging from the breakup when I first talked to him, to now, he’s got all these other choices and other options. And even though the ex did reach out a couple of times, he’s like, “I don’t really feel like contacting her,” because he had this girl. He had a mini relationship before he moved. She fell in love with him, and they had a great time together. It’s a great experience.
He got to see how everything works textbook. And so, when he meets somebody he really likes, it’ll be a lot easier and a lot more effortless. Unlike the first guy who didn’t practice at all, and you see what happened. He met a girl he really liked, pedestalized her, and talked her right out of liking him within a matter of days. He said they spent three days together, then he overpursued to the point where she got completely turned off, and lost interest, and friend zoned him.
So, it’s two good emails, a good contrast, to see how important it is to prepare and how quickly you can get over a bad breakup, a breakup that stings. So, that’s pretty great, man. That’s really good to turn things around in that period of time. But the guy did the work, He read the book, he had the experiences.
And now he’s in Europe, he’s got a new job, so think about what that does to his attitude. He’s going to be happier, he’s going to have more swagger. He’s going to have more confidence. He’s going to feel better about himself. He’s going to smile more, and that makes him more attractive. And the happier you are and the more you smile, the more women notice that. You make them feel safe and comfortable just being around you, and they’re going to want to be around you more. And that’s what you want. It makes life really easy when the women are coming on to you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.