How To Come Across As A Masculine Leader Instead Of A Controlling Dictator On Dates
How to come across as a playful masculine leader instead of a controlling dictator on dates.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man over 15 times. He says he was dating a woman he was really into, but things are no longer going so well. She’s leaving him on read and breaking dates. He then matches and mirrors her behavior.
He mistakenly thinks it’s because he was too much of a dictator and not accommodating and compliant enough with her when planning dates, but the reality is that the problems and her losing interest started after he was unable to perform in the bedroom due to performance anxiety and inexperience on multiple occasions. She may also be a little too masculine and bossy which contributes to his performance anxiety. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This particular email is from a guy who says he’s read 3% Man over 15 times, and he says he was dating a woman he was really into, but things are no longer going well. She’s leaving him on read. She’s breaking dates, he says, and he matches and mirrors her behavior. He’s thinking he was too much of a dictator on their dates. In other words, when it came to making plans and things and that he wasn’t compliant in accommodating enough to her because of some things that she said.
Even though this guy has read the book 15 times, you’ve probably heard me say many times the idea is to be reading it, applying it and dating it, not read it 15 times and then start going out on dates and trying to apply it. It’s reading it and getting out there and participating in the real world so you can be applying pick up skills, dating skills, relationship skills and how to transition through those.
This particular guy, even though he read the book 15 times, I can tell he didn’t do as instructed because the big reason why things were not started going sideways with this girl, and he doesn’t really realize it, is that he had some severe performance anxiety issues and sex was just really bad.
In 3% Man, there is an article that I referenced how men can have multiple orgasms. So what he failed to do was he failed to prepare himself and prepare his body and his meat missile for what it would be like when he’s having sex. I go through in detail in that video, 10–15 minutes long. It’s there for a reason. It’s there to prevent things like this from happening, because you can have great chemistry with a woman and they’ll be patient with you, but if you really suck in bed and you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t get any better and the sex is terrible, she’s not going to stick around for very long.
So this guy thinks he wasn’t compliant and accommodating enough, when in reality it’s just he sucked in bed. He was a terrible lover because he wasn’t experienced, and it doesn’t sound like it got any better. It’s like, every time it was weird. It was awkward. He didn’t know what to do.
Viewer’s Email:
Hi Corey,
I’ve read your book over 15 times, I’m struggling with an aspect of the book I haven’t seen covered and it came up when I was dating a woman I was really into and now things aren’t going so well. She’s leaving me on read and breaking dates, I’m matching and mirroring when she leaves me on read, she leaves me on read for six days, I leave her on read for six days.
So that means she doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t care. She’s only responding because she’s being nice. It’s like once it goes past 24 hours, it just means she doesn’t give a shit. She’s not that into it. So that’s what happens.
When somebody breaks dates, they break a date. You don’t call them again trying to get them to go out on another date. If a girl breaks a date and she doesn’t mention a reschedule and you’re like, “Oh, no problem, we’ll just do another time.” She’s like, “Yeah, that’s great,” then you don’t ever call or text her again for any reason. So I’d say probably from that perspective, the guy did not disengage when he saw things going sideways. It’s great that he read the book over 15 times, but it sounds like this is the very first woman he’s ever talked to or been out on a date with or tried to have sex with, which, hey man, it’s everybody.
Even my first time, I don’t know what the fuck I was doing. I was 21 years old. I had no idea. You’re fumbling around. You’ve been up all day and all night drinking. Now you’re ready to lay the pipe. It’s 3 a.m. You had a boner for half the day. By the time it’s ready, you’re dead tired. You got whiskey dick, it’s a bad way to go. It’s just not a good scene.
When we started dating I set a definite date, time and place, I set multiple places with a physical activity at the end. Things went well and she was dying to see me again. After the second date we ended up back at hers, I think a factor that got in the way was my sexual inexperience, I grew up catholic and am still growing in that area, so it wasn’t smooth sailing in that department, a lot of frustration with performance anxiety and not being able to climax.
Well, if you’re having sex multiple times and you’re not able to cum, you’re not relaxed, women are going to take that as a rejection. They’re going to think you don’t like them, you’re not turned on by them. That kind of sucks, but if you have performance anxiety and you can’t get it up and it’s like the same thing over and over, that tells me you’re not comfortable with your body.
Again, that’s why I put that article in the book and told you guys to go watch that video because it’s very specific. It was something I learned from people that were experts on sex and how the body works. So there’s a a process that you do that involves masturbation. You got to prepare yourself. If you know you got a date and you got a performance anxiety problem, if you can learn, if you teach your body and you go through the exercises over the course of a few weeks, you’ll get to your the point where you’re you can climax easily and you’ll still stay hard.
So even if you blow your wad right away, you’re able to beat up our pelvis properly. So she gets satisfied. If you don’t do that and you’re not able to get it up, and then the sex isn’t very good, or you’re cumming right away, or your dick’s not that hard, and it just keeps happening over and over and over again, girls are going to recognize it. You don’t know what you’re doing, and women love confidence in men. When it comes time to have sex, you’re anything but confident and competent, then you’re going to, no matter how much you liked them, women are often going to get pretty turned off, because they don’t want to teach a man how to be a man again, these things are in the book. It’s laid out. It’s very specific. The instructions are there.
If you know that’s one of your problems, you should be doing the exercises just reading the book 15 times and then not doing some of the other videos and things, especially when you have a problem in a certain area. I mean, it should happen once. It shouldn’t have continued to be a problem.
As we continued to date, I made a date once a week and invited her to join me, she said something along the lines of I was acting like her master and that I had so many rules, though I always posed things as a question, never a command.
So if you suggest a place that you want to go to dinner or you want to take her to and she’s like, “Oh, I don’t like that kind of food,” or “I hate that place,” or whatever, “I had a bad experience there,” and she’s got a genuinely better idea, than go for it. That’s OK, but if she’s trying to, you know, if you hate sushi and sushi is her favorite dish and you’re like, “I don’t really like sushi.” She’s like, “But it’s my favorite,” you’re like, “OK, we’ll go to sushi,” and then you go and you have a bad time there, you’re doing something that is inauthentic. You’re doing something that you don’t really want to, to please her in hopes that you can get some a taste of the box. So you definitely don’t want to do that.
In other words, as the book lays out, if she’s got a better idea, then yeah, that’s fine, but you don’t just change plans and do only what she wants to do. The fact that she’s not very submissive, she’s not very flexible, because that’s one of the things that’s laid out in the book, is you want a woman who is flexible. She doesn’t sound like she’s very flexible and him coming across as controlling, I don’t know what he did or said, there’s probably other things that he’s like, “It’s got to be this way,” that just tells me he’s a little robotic, a little rigid, because again, this is probably the first girl he’s ever dated since he read the book. And his problem was he just didn’t practice enough. Probably, as he said from his super religious upbringing, I can totally relate.
When I was young especially, when I was in high school, I was like, “Oh, I’m going to be with the one. We’re going to live together forever, and it’s going to be like a Disney movie,” and when the right girl comes along, I’ll know. Then by the time I got to be 21 and I still hadn’t gotten laid, and I put off girls that definitely wanted to have sex with me, and my friends were like, “Come on, bro,” finally I relented just to get my friends off my ass. Quite frankly, it was good for me, and they were right. My friends are right because you do get better. I didn’t have just one girl in my life. It was like every weekend we were out. We were meeting new people and meeting new girls every week. Wasn’t getting very far, but I was out and I was hunting.
After a few dates she wanted to plan a date, I didn’t want to come across as controlling so I let her plan a date for us, I said give me a time, a place and I’ll be there, I looked at it with the attitude that I was allowing her to spoil me. She mentioned how she has so much fun with me.
Well, she obviously liked you.
I think things went south because of my sexual issues…
Yep.
…And the fact that she just came out of a relationship…
Yeah, she is a normal woman who is used to getting her pelvis beat up properly. Then she comes across an altar boy, basically has no idea what he’s doing, and then it just keeps happening over and over and you just seem inexperienced.
This is why it would help if you had two or three other women you were dating, two or three other prospects instead. You’re an inexperienced man trying to date an experienced woman, basically, and she’ll think that’s cute and endearing only for so long.
…Also she mentioned had a poor relationship with her parents, leaving home at 15 and being very rebellious…
So she’s probably got a lot of experience in the bedroom.
…I know you can’t make good wine from bad grapes but I find other women boring.
Dude, you’re talking about one girl. It sounds like the only girl you’ve ever dated and hooked up with.
My question is how can I make dating more of a collaboration than a dictatorship?
Well, like I said, it just sounds like there’s probably other areas when you were with her that you failed to lead because you weren’t prepared. What you really need is you need experience. You need experience not only reading the book, but going out there and actually applying it with real women. From your email, it sounds like this is the only woman you’ve ever dated or applied the book with, so of course you can’t expect it to go perfect. You’re totally inexperienced.
Again, you’re dating a woman that is a mature woman that’s probably been sexually active since she was in her early teenage years, maybe even lost her virginity in middle school or when she was a freshman in high school. Here you are in your 20s, like I was when I was 21. I had no experience and what the hell I was doing.
That’s why you got to have other prospects. You got to learn somehow, and you can’t save it for the perfect girl, especially a woman as experienced with her and and think you’re going to keep her turned on because you’re constantly showing her that you’re incompetent and you don’t know what you’re doing. On top of that, you’re getting involved with a girl that just broke up with her boyfriend, who’s probably beat up her pelvis properly, and he’s trying to get back in there and you’re flailing in the bedroom, can’t even get it up. It’s like, what do you think is going to happen? It’s not going to go well. If you had three or four other girls you were dating, you could be practicing with all of them.
I feel tired coming up with the plans all the time, and I was reluctant to deviate from being the plan setter, I didn’t want to give up control and was worried about appearing weak and feminine. How can I stay masculine while including her in the planning process? I want to perfect my game.
Bob
You got to apply the book and you’re basically saying, “Hey, how can I basically toss the book out the window and do things completely differently because of one girl?” The stuff is in there for a reason, bro.
Again, you need experience. You need to date other women. You you can’t just date one girl and go, “Oh well, everything didn’t work perfectly with this one girl. So I got to change what’s in the book.”
You don’t have the experience to do that, dude. You need to date other women and trying to turn because of this one girl. Maybe you were a little inflexible and you came off as butt-hurt and controlling. That’s probably why she said it. Again, that just shows your total lack of experience with women. So instead of coming off as natural and you knew what you were doing, you came off as, “I must set the date. Woman, I am the man. I make plans here. I’m the boss. You will do what you’re told. You will do what you’re told. Do what I say.You can’t do that.” Tells me you don’t know the book because you haven’t practiced enough. You need more women to practice with, so you shouldn’t feel bad.
So that’s part of your problem, is that you’re not easy going because you’re uptight, because you’re worried, you’re fearful and you don’t have other choices. You just got this one particular chick who, quite frankly, is way more experienced than you are. So it’s totally understandable. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just say this was the first girl, that’s all it is.
You definitely need some other prospects because that’s a big part of your problem. “I need to loosen up a little bit.” Things that are in the book are in there to be a guideline. Everything’s not set in stone, but when you start giving the power away, when she complains that you’re too controlling and then you’re like, “OK well, just tell me when and where to show up, mommy,” and then you tell her to make the date, the time and the place to set a date, it’s like you’re basically saying, “OK, I’m going to give all the power and control to her because she complained. Then what happens is you start acting like a girl and then she loses interest, and then she leaves you on read for six days.
Again, you displayed tons of incompetence and a lack of confidence, and you’re just young and inexperienced. How could you be any other way? This is why you got to have multiple women in your life. That’s all it is, dude. More practice, more girls, more prospects, more dates, more seduction on dates. This girl, probably she may be have a little bit of the feminist or the woke mind virus that she’s got running around in her brain, so that could be a contributing factor. She might not even be a good prospect, but you don’t know what you don’t know because again, it sounds like this is the first girl you’ve ever gone out on a date with and became intimate with.
That’s why you need a pool. Dozens and dozens and dozens of women that you’ve got to talk to and interact with and try to date, go out on dates. Some of them you’ll end up seducing, and then you start to see the patterns that are in the book. You just don’t have a large enough sample size.
It’s kind of like what we learned about with the clot shot. I think one of those shots, there was only like a dozen people that actually got tested on before it was like rolled out. It was like, “What? That’s not a big enough sample size,” and now you got all this data and this stuff. Like Dr. McCullough is at the forefront of it. He’s pretty much the top expert in the world on this stuff. You’ve got excess mortality up. You got people with heart problems way up. It’s like the data is not looking good, because it wasn’t tested properly.
So you can’t be extremely competent and confident if you don’t have enough people to practice with. Repetition is the mother of skill. Unfortunately, with the clot shots, they basically mass medical experimented on billions of people.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.