How Cheating & Infidelity Starts
How cheating and infidelity starts in long term committed relationships and how to prevent it if the signs are there.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for three years. He has been married for twelve years and has two kids with his wife. His wife has become very friendly with a former male coworker of hers and they often are texting each other, sometimes even late at night.
He was supportive of her “friendship” with this guy at first, but recently she met him out for drinks. He has since gone through her phone and seen text exchanges that are mostly friendly, but sometimes they are flirty and inappropriate. He doesn’t have a good feeling about his wife texting, flirting and now meeting this guy out for drinks. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This should be a pretty good video newsletter, because I know this is a topic that a lot of people struggle with, especially this past week. A bunch of the phone sessions I’ve had with guys are guys that are in similar situations, where their women are spending time with other guys who are ‘just friends.’ And so, this particular guy that wrote me this email has been with his wife twelve years, they’ve got two kids together and she’s been talking to a male co-worker and recently met this guy out for drinks.
He made some mistakes and he said some things to his wife that I would not have said, which basically is kind of giving her permission to continue developing a ‘friendship’ with this guy. But obviously, he’s gone through her phone recently and noticed that there’s text exchanges and things going on between his wife and this male co-worker that are inappropriate.
So this is a good topic to go through, because like I said, lately it seems like I’ve had a bunch of phone sessions with guys that are in these kinds of situations. And so, you can see the beginning stages. It doesn’t appear that she slept with this other guy yet, but we don’t really know for certain.
But the idea is, if you notice these signs in your relationship with your girlfriend or your wife or whatever, you want to be able to nip this stuff in the bud and have some counterarguments, especially if she wants to continue the ‘friendship’ with whoever this other guy might be. Because if you give her your blessing to continue this friendship, and she starts spending more time and this attraction starts to grow, it’s just not going to lead to a good place.
Viewer’s Email:
Dear Corey,
I have been following your work for 3 years now, and I can’t express my gratitude to you and your exceptional work. I have read your book 6 times so far and have applied many of the things that you teach in my personal life.
Well, six times in three years, bro? “How To Be A 3% Man,” obviously he’s talking about, which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You definitely should have read it more than that over the course of three years. That tells me you’re still trying to cherry pick things.
I am 42 years old, have a good job and above average income. I have been married for 12 years with 2 great kids. The last couple of months, I noticed some small changes in my wife’s behavior that seemed a little strange to me. She told me she wants to quit her job, because she is tired of doing the same thing over and over again and because the environment of her work is toxic.
Hey, if she’s not happy, then definitely encourage and support her in that if that’s what she really wants to do, unless she’s just venting that she is presently unhappy there. That’s one of those topics where you go, “Do you want me just to listen, or do you want my advice or my opinion?”
She decided to do a tattoo, which is something that I don’t personally like and started to make little changes in the house without asking me.
So that shows me there is obviously an independent streak to where she’s no longer doing things as a team. She sees herself almost like she’s kind of single and doing things because she wants to do them. It’s like rebelling a little bit. And I don’t know what’s going on in the dynamic between the two of you guys, but this is obviously signs that something is there.
Maybe her attraction is not what it would be, or maybe you’re just simply not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. And obviously, we’ll get to that minute, because you’re definitely not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in the proper way, because you’ve given her the freedom to kind of go and continue hanging out with this guy, which I would have never done that.
Two weeks ago, she came home from work crying, because her new man colleague from work had resigned.
Come on, man. That’s not something you want to see. You don’t want to see your wife coming home and bawling in her eyes out about some ‘friend’ male co-worker that left the office. That’s just unusual. That shows that she has too much interest and affection for a male ‘friend’ that she works with. That’s not a good sign.
They were working together in the same office for just 2 months, and she told me that they had become very close friends.
So that’s obviously what’s changing. She is becoming more emotionally bonded and attracted to this guy, and now she’s starting to express herself and not respect your relationship. That’s why she’s doing things, changing things around the house and going and getting a tattoo and not telling you about it.
Because if you look at her actions, she’s acting like a woman that is not loyal to you, and your opinion no longer matters. When was the last time she bawled her eyes out about something about the two of you? I mean, that’s just really a big red flag — your wife coming home and crying about a guy, and her behavior changing, definitely not good signs.
Their characters match, they have common interests, they bonded together, and she was very sad he is leaving and that she doesn’t want to lose him from her life.
For a married woman, that is inappropriate. And that’s the kind of thing, it’s like, “You know, I’m sorry that this male coworker left, but you’re getting all emotional and crying, getting a tattoo, changing things around the house without asking me. It’s like, you’re really disrespecting our relationship and our marriage. And I love you, but this is extremely inappropriate. And I’m really disappointed that you’re behaving this way. That shows me that you don’t care about our family and our kids like you should be. And I’m very disappointed.”
At that time, I didn’t react strongly because she was very emotional, and I focused on calming her down. After all, she was the one telling me about it.
It’s great that she was telling you about it, but I would have handled it totally differently.
A week later, she had an appointment with a doctor in a close town where he lives, and she told me she arranged to go for a drink with him after her appointment.
Notice she didn’t say, “Hey, would you mind if I went and had drinks with this guy after my appointment?” She just said, “Oh, by the way, I’m going to go meet him for drinks” — again, showing that she’s not on the team right now. She’s all about ‘me.’ She’s not about the ‘we.’
I told her that I was not feeling good about it, and after a couple of big discussions in which she assured me they are only friends…
Yeah, they’re only friends until, “Oops, his dick ended up inside me.”
…and that she knows how to keep her distance from other men, I told her that after all, it is up to her to decide what to do.
I would not have done that dude. You just basically said, “Hey, you know, if you cheat, you cheat. It’s okay.”
Finally, she did go out with him despite knowing my feelings about it.
Yeah. Because she doesn’t give a shit, and you basically told her it was okay. So this is the same kind of thing, like when you’re dating or you’re in a relationship, you’re kind of seeing a girl and you’re thinking is progressing, and then she starts telling you about another guy who’s “just a friend, but you don’t have to worry about him.”
When a woman tells you that, she’s being honest and disclosing that there is a male orbiter out there that obviously has interest, and they are bonding and connecting. And she’s having conversations more than likely with him that are inappropriate and really should be between the two of you.
After she came back, I told her that I had given a lot of thought to this matter and realized it is okay for both of us to make new friends, connect with new people, bond with them and even go out for drinks with them, as long as it is in a friendly mode and we keep our distance from them as married people are expected to do.
Come on, man. You’re being totally naive, and this is just a big, big no-no. Because deep down, she knows you should have been like, “That’s just not cool.” And this is where you bring up, “How would you feel if I started hanging out with really beautiful single women that I worked with, and going and having drinks, and doing fun things with them, and then not telling you about it or telling you after the fact?”
“Oh, by the way, I’m going to go hang out with this really smoking hot single girl that I just started working with, because we really clicked. We have a lot of chemistry, and we have a lot of fun together. We’ve gone to lunch a few times, you know, as a group, and we’re just friends. There’s nothing going on.”
You have to say this to her, “Would you be okay with that? Would you think that’s appropriate for your husband to be hanging out with a hot single woman who’s obviously flirting with me and inviting me out for drinks?” She will probably say no. And you want to know how? I’ll get to that line in a second.
I can tell she was surprised by that and asked me jokingly not to find a new girlfriend!
Because jokingly she’s thinking about a new boyfriend. So, again, she knows it’s inappropriate, but you’re the man, you’re supposed to be the leader of the household and you shouldn’t be giving your permission. Because the reality is, this dude is not interested in just being ‘friends.’ He wants to rearrange your wife’s insides. That’s what’s really going on. I don’t care what he says or what she says. He wants to fuck your wife, dude. And if you think otherwise, you’re being naive and delusional.
Two days ago, I noticed she was exchanging messages with him and I later checked her phone, which I am not very proud about.
Let’s keep you checking the phone between you, me and the fence post, and obviously the audience here. Keep it a secret. Don’t let her know that you checked the phone. Our spy agencies don’t reveal their secrets, unless you’ve got Edward Snowden coming along and revealing it. So the smart thing to do is to just kind of play stupid and ask questions. Be inquisitive, look at her actions.
You know the truth, because you’re reading her messages, and in a roundabout way, you can see if she’s lying and trying to deceive you. But you’re going to need to have a serious fucking conversation with her with a quickness.
I found frequent message exchange between them, sometimes even late at night. Their dialogue vibe is mainly friendly, but they exchanged some love you, miss you, kisses, etc.
That is not fucking okay. A guy she’s known for two months. “Oh, love you. Miss you. Kisses.” Fuck that.
And there were a few flirty points between them as well.
Yeah, he wants to bang your wife, dude. And obviously she’s thinking about it, and you’ve given her permission to continue seeing where this goes.
The worst thing about it though, is that she is telling him what is happening between us, parts of our conversations and other personal stuff that I consider as confidential between the couples. They even made a couple of jokes about me, which made me very angry!
Remember, behind anger is always fear. What are you afraid of? You’re afraid that your wife is going to bang this other guy. And if you don’t change course, you’re literally allowing her to just go and have an affair with this dude. And then she can just say, “Oh, it just kind of happened. It’s not my fault. It just kind of happened.
I haven’t told her anything yet, as I don’t want to tell her I checked her phone.
If I were you, I wouldn’t tell her that. You’ve got to be a little more Sherlock Holmes-like and James Bond-like. You don’t reveal your sources and methods.
I am feeling very bad about what’s happening and would appreciate your thoughts.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Best,
Bob
Well, I would be sitting down with her and saying, “Look, I know you you like this guy. There’s obviously chemistry there. Obviously, you’re feeling attraction for him, and he’s feeling attraction for you. And I simply don’t buy that he’s just interested in friendship. And if you think he just wants to be your friend and not fuck you, you’re being naive. And it’s just inappropriate for you to keep maintaining this kind of a relationship and meeting this guy out.”
“I mean, if anything, if he was really ‘just a friend’ and a great ‘friend,’ you should be bringing me along and introducing me to this ‘friend’ of yours. Maybe we can do a double date with him.” That’s what I would be saying. “How would you like it if my new hot 22-year-old secretary that worked for me, who obviously I can tell she has a crush on me and likes me, has been asking me to meet her out for drinks or take her out for drinks, and she’s single, would you mind that at all? And I just said, ‘nothing’s going to happen, honey.’”
She wouldn’t feel good about that. She even jokingly said, “I hope you don’t find a new girlfriend,” because it’s obvious that she’s considering finding a new… well, actually, she’s kind of found a new potential boyfriend.
But like I said, I would not reveal your sources and methods. After you have your conversation with her, tell her that she needs to nip this in the bud and tell this guy that it’s not appropriate. “If you want to get together with him, I’m happy to meet him. We can go to dinner or whatever and go meet the guy out for drinks, but you meeting him alone, that doesn’t work for me.”
“That’s just not appropriate. I would never do that out of respect for you, and our marriage and our children. What kind of example is that setting for our kids? Oh yeah, Mommy’s out on a date, you know, having drinks with some other guy. But don’t worry, she’s not going to screw around on Daddy and not leave the family to go be with somebody else.” It’s like, come on. Come on, man.
You’ve got to nip it in the bud, dude. Like I said, there should be people there that you know and trust with your wife when she’s around this other dude, or more importantly, and a better way is you should be the one there. And you should be asking her, “How come you didn’t invite me to come with you to meet this guy if he’s such a ‘friend’ and he just cares about you in a ‘friendly’ way?”
“Meeting him out for drinks in the evening? That sounds like a date. You wouldn’t obviously like it if I went out with a hot single girl co-worker. Come on. You’re insulting me, you’re insulting our family. I don’t appreciate this at all, and your behavior needs to change. You need to nip this shit in the bud and tell him that you can’t be hanging out with him, and you shouldn’t be talking to him all the time.”
“And you coming home and crying about a guy you’ve known for two weeks? It’s like, you obviously care about him more than a friend. I’ve never seen you come home and bawl about something with one of your girlfriends like this. It’s just extremely ridiculous. It’s insulting personally to me, our relationship, our marriage, our children, our family and what we’ve been building for the last decade and a half, and I’m really extremely disappointed in you and all of this.” That’s how I would be handling it, dude. I certainly wouldn’t want to be putting up with this.
So if you haven’t read my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” you can read it at UnderstandingRelationships.com for free. You can also read “Mastering Yourself,” which is all about personal purpose, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, figuring out what your purpose is in life. It’s a book about self reliance, and you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com.
Attraction is not a choice. Chemistry and effortless conversation happen naturally and cannot be forced. It flows like water. When men and women interact, attraction and chemistry are revealed, not created. When men and women who are either unhappy in their lives, their relationships or they are simply single and searching for love interact, the potential for cheating and infidelity arises. People who are in exclusive monogamous relationships should not be spending time with members of the opposite sex without their partners or other people being present. This is simple respect for those who are in committed relationships. People who violate these sacred boundaries are inviting attention, validation, and romantic interest, and are creating the conditions for cheating and infidelity to happen.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
