Her Toxic Male Orbiter
What you should do if your girl has a toxic male orbiter who is trying to interfere in your relationship and tries to exclude you from group activities involving him.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend is best friends with a woman whose brother has always had a crush on her and wanted to date her. In a few weeks, this toxic male orbiter is hosting a birthday party for his sister and has invited his girlfriend but explicitly is trying to exclude him from attending with his girlfriend.
He is unsure of how to handle the situation, because his girlfriend wants to go to the birthday party and he doesn’t want to look weak, insecure or controlling and asks what he can do, because he feels that it would be disrespectful for her to go without him. Especially with the toxic male orbiter already trying to create problems that divide them. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This particular guy, about a few weeks ago, I did a phone session with him. He’s got an interesting situation that has popped up. His girlfriend has her best friend that she grew up with who is a woman. This particular woman, who’s her best friend, has a brother that’s always had a crush on her, and so he’s kind of a toxic male orbiter. Recently, her this brother is putting on a birthday party for his sister. And so, the guy who wrote me the email, his girlfriend is like, “Hey, can I bring my boyfriend?” and he basically said, “No.”
So, the guy is figuring that he can make her leave her boyfriend behind, so he can spend time with her at the birthday party. The girlfriend is planning on going and he’s thinking, “Man, I don’t want to look weak, but also, by the same token, it’s kind of disrespectful that you’re going to go to your best friend’s birthday party and not take your boyfriend because of her beta male brother who’s always had a crush on her and doesn’t want him there, just because he would get jealous and insecure about it.
When you mix families and friends, you’re you’re going to have people that don’t like each other. And I know from experience growing up in a family where lots of members of the family don’t like each other and don’t get along, it always makes for fun during the holidays, fun for the whole family. We’ll go through his email to see how he can delicately handle this situation and still make himself look good. Because this obviously is an integrity issue here, and I’m going to go through and explain a way where he can kind of flip this around.
If the roles were reversed, obviously, she wouldn’t like that at all. So in other words, if his best friend was having a birthday party and this best friend had a little sister who had always had a crush on him, but he was never interested in her, and then the sister is putting on a birthday party, but he doesn’t want her to bring his girlfriend, you could see that’s kind of like a double standard there. So, these things are going to come up and you’re going to have to address them. It’s not fun, but hey, it’s just part of life. These things happen, and knowing how to diplomatically handle them is the best way to go about it.
Plus, you’re also you’re looking to see, how committed of a teammate is your partner going to be? Because if they really care about you, they love you, they value you, they respect you, they know how to treat you, they didn’t come from a dysfunctional background, anybody’s going to want to bring their significant other, especially if there’s somebody in the social circle that has feelings for somebody that is in a relationship. It’s just rude and disrespectful to go to an event and say, “Oh, I can’t bring my significant other because there’s somebody there that doesn’t want my significant other there, because they’re hoping they’ll be able to hit on me.” That’s, in essence, what’s going on.
And for those of you that have kids or have been involved in relationship with other people that have kids, kids are great at trying to, especially in divorce situations, trying to pit one parent against the other. One says “no,” and they go to the other parent. The other parent says “yes” just to spite the other one. But obviously, when two people are together and the kids try to do that, the parents have to present a united front. Otherwise, the kids start interfering in the parents’ relationship, because then they get the parents arguing with one another, something that the child has instigated.
Whereas, if you have a strong united front and the child goes to one of you, you say “no,” then you tell your girlfriend or wife that little Johnny is going to probably come and hit you up and ask you to do this, and I already told them no, she’s like, “I’ll be ready for him.” And that’s what you need. You need to be able to have a united front, because anything that can be used to divide two people is never going to be good for the overall health of the relationship.
That’s why it’s important, especially in situations like this, where maybe you have situations where there are exes in the background. In this particular case, you’ve got a guy that’s always had a crush on this dude’s girlfriend. She wants nothing to do with him romantically, but at the same time, it’s still a nuisance. It’s something that he didn’t go looking for. It just kind of happened. And this is one of life’s ways of bringing up things that we have to deal with, usually when you least expect it and you really don’t want to deal with it anyway.
I want to thank you for our call a few weeks ago. It was awesome talking to you. Your book, How To Be A 3% Man, is amazing and has been so helpful. I know we spoke of love, freedom, and jealousy towards the end of the call. I’m in a situation, and I believe I know how I should respond, but my ego and the illusion of action are getting in the way.
Well, just remember, drama free zone means what it says. It’s not just a little nice thing on a mug — which you can get at Spring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store to remind yourself — but it’s a way of life. You want to live this way. And obviously in this particular situation, you’ve got somebody that’s potentially bringing drama into your relationship. And so, the strength of your bond between the two of you gets called into question.
My girlfriend is going to a party/game night in a few weeks. She wants me to come to it with her. It’s for one of her childhood best friends, and her best friend’s brother is hosting. Her childhood best friend wants me to come (female), but she asked the brother if I could go and it created an issue.
Well, I would say it’s the brother’s issue. And the reality is you and your girlfriend are a package deal, you’re teammates now, and you can’t allow this guy to drive a wedge between the two of you. it’s just not a good way to go, but obviously you have to handle the situation tactfully.
Long story short, the guy is a complete beta, has always had a crush on my girl, comments on her pics of me, and makes comments on Snapchat. I’ve handled the situation well and haven’t made any comments or have just laughed. When she asked him, he said that was cute how she wanted to bring me, said “No” with a kissy face, and then said he “would think about it.”
So, right there at that moment, the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do, if you guys are strong, if your bond is strong, the two of you, and you you fit like a glove, and she’s your teammate, she’s going to say, “Well, if I can’t bring my boyfriend, then I’m not coming. Because we’re a team and it would be rude for you to exclude him. And as a matter of fact, I don’t appreciate you trying to drive a wedge between me and my boyfriend, because we’re in a relationship. And then for you to say I can’t bring him, well, I’m not going to your party, then.” That’s the right way to handle it.
That’s how she should address it. And if she’s not excited about that or doesn’t agree with that, then you really need to take a look at, how strong is your bond in reality? How into you is this girl, really? Because otherwise, she’s going to think it’s okay for for you to stay home, for her to go to a party where the guy that’s putting the party on has romantic designs on her, and he has successfully gotten her to leave you at home, so she can go and hang out. That’s rude and disrespectful.
And just like I said earlier in the video, if the shoe was on the other foot, if you were going to one of your best guy friend’s, and he had a hot little sister that always had a crush on you, and she’s the one putting on the party, and she’s like “I don’t like your girlfriend, I don’t want you bringing her,” these things happen. It’s very easy when the shoe’s on the other foot. Just like, “I don’t like your girlfriend, I don’t want her to come.”
You’d be like, “Okay, well, we’re a package deal. If you don’t want my girlfriend there, then I won’t be there either. If you change your mind, let me know.” That’s the right thing to do. That’s the honorable thing to do. I’d rather go out on a date with my girl than go to a party without her, just because somebody else might get upset. I mean, it’s just rude and disrespectful to do that. Whether you’re married or you’re in a committed relationship, you’re a team. You’re a package deal.
It’s the same thing if you got invited to a birthday party, and say you’ve got three kids, but one of your kids doesn’t get along with the kids that are going, and they say, “Oh yeah, you can bring all your kids along except one of them. You can bring your two kids because they always get along well, but your third one, he’s a brat. I don’t want him there.” You’re going to be like, “Fuck you, we’re a package deal. You don’t want one of us going? Okay, well, we’re not going to show up at all. It’s all or nothing.” This is the way to handle these things. You can’t allow people to drive wedges in your family.
I didn’t ask to be invited by my girl, which is a first for me. When she told me, I said, “Well, it’s not just his party. You could tell your friend to convince him.” She said yes, but the kid is a complete bitch, throws temper tantrums whenever things don’t go his way, (mind you, this kid is 26), and is a total baby whom she said he thought he would be this way. Their families vacation together a lot, and his family has always tried to set them up, but her family said we would never want that.
So, it sounds like also, his family just doesn’t get the hint.
After telling me all this, she asked if I was okay, and I said yeah, just tired.
Well, like I said, I would have explained it to her. I would have said, “Look, we’re in a relationship. And so, you’re saying you’d rather me not go to the party so this bitch-ass beta doesn’t get upset who has always wanted to date you? And so, I’m supposed to just not go to this party and go do something else while you go there, when you know, and I know, and everybody else knows that this guy is going to be trying to hit on you?” It’s like, “How would you feel if I went to a party and there was a woman there who didn’t like you, and didn’t want you coming to the party, and you knew on top of that, she’s going to hit on me? You probably wouldn’t like that very much, would you?”
The right thing to do is say, “Hey, we’re a package deal. Either we both come, or I’m not coming at all. You can do what you want, honey. But the right thing to do, the honorable thing, if you really love me and you really care about me is you say, ‘Look, we’re a package deal. We’re coming together. If you don’t like that, then we just won’t show up. We’ll make other plans, and I’ll take my girlfriend out and we’ll go have a birthday party for her on our own. And you won’t be included in that, you little fucking bitch.’” Not that she’s going to say that to him, but he’s a bitch. This fucking brother is a bitch.
I realize I can’t control her, nor do I want to.
The point being is this is one of those moments. It’s helps you evaluate whether or not you’ve made a good choice, whether you properly pre-qualified your girlfriend, where you’ve got a good girl who is loyal. Now, if she gets bitchy, and upset, and mad and frustrated that your opinion is that you should be going with her, she’s even asked you to go, but instead of creating problems with the brother, she’d just rather leave her boyfriend, supposedly the man she loves, at home and then go there, so this brother can hit on her and talk shit about her boyfriend when he’s not there to defend himself? That’s a red flag. That’s not a good thing. That doesn’t bode well for her.
Remember, no drama allowed. A good woman is not going to be like, “Oh, yeah, it’s like you’re coming or we’re not going.” I mean, this shouldn’t be an issue, but obviously it is for a lot of people. But it’s definitely how I would handle it.
The old me feels that if she goes to this event without me, it is completely disrespectful.
On the other hand, the new me also says that he is an orbiter and absolutely nothing to worry about, especially since her parents all made jokes about how jealous and immature this kid is and would be about the situation.
Well, that’s funny and everything to make fun of this guy, but at the end of the day, the way the tone of the email sounds is that your girlfriend’s already made up her mind that she’s going without you. And personally, I would tell her if the roles were reversed, I’d be like, “If my girlfriend can’t come, then I’m not going. It’s as simple as that.” And if she doesn’t feel that way about you, then maybe you need to reevaluate whether or not this is the right girl for you.
Guys that are this far down the road, they typically don’t want to hear that, because now they’re in love, they’re in a relationship, like “I’ve got a girlfriend.” But these are major integrity issues, and they only get compounded once you move in together, you get married, especially when you get kids in the mix. Because the reality is, it’s highly unlikely that every single person in your family is going to like every single person in her family. That’s just reality. You’re going to have conflict, it’s just going to happen, and you guys have got to be able to present a united front.
And if she’s already waffling on that and thinks it’s okay, especially if she gets upset when you bring it up, you just say, “You can do whatever you want. But the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do if the roles were reversed is like, “If I can’t bring my girlfriend, I’m not going. It’s as simple as that, out of respect for our relationship. I wouldn’t do that.” But if she’s cool with it, it’s like, “So you’re basically saying you want to go to a birthday party with this guy who’s going to be talking shit about your boyfriend? And obviously, he’s probably going to be trying to hit on you, and I’m supposed to be like, ‘Oh, yeah, it’s great. Yeah, go have fun.’ You wouldn’t like it if I went to a party and girls were hitting on me, even though they know.” Because that happens as well. Women are ruthless.
So, if you’re at a party and there’s a lot of single women that know you have a girlfriend, and maybe they don’t like your girlfriend or they’re jealous and she’s not there with you, she’s going to be hitting on you. “How would you like it if I went to a party and there were three girls that wanted to date and sleep with me, and none of them liked you? And they’re glad that you’re not there, and they’re going to hit on me while you’re not there. Would you appreciate that? Would you think that’s what a good, loyal boyfriend would do?” You can’t argue with that. Because if the shoe was on the other foot and then she’s like, “Oh yeah, it’s fine,” it’s like, I wouldn’t be putting this girl on such a pedestal, like she’s such a great catch, if that’s her attitude.
I also realize that if I get upset about this, it makes me look weak and she will test me more.
Well, the idea is not to get upset or butt hurt. It’s just be matter of fact. It’s just the right thing to do. Doing the right thing shouldn’t be something that anybody should get upset about.
Part of me wants to set a boundary, but I think that looks weak with a guy like this when the reason she is going is to hang out with her childhood best friend and not her friend’s brother.
But by the same token, she’s allowing this guy to drive a wedge between the two of you, because he figures if he can prevent you from being there now, he’s got a chance with your girlfriend. And he obviously has zero integrity and doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how it looks.
I know he has expressed interest in her, but I’m assuming that that shouldn’t bother me if she hangs out with this guy, and that would be the weak move, especially since it seems that nothing has ever happened between them.
But everybody knows the story now. You know the story, your girlfriend knows the story, he knows the story. Obviously, the audience knows the story. But the point being is it’s not the right thing to do. And like I said, if she gets upset and is like, “Well, I’m going anyway without you,” like, “Okay, well, I guess I know where we stand. If this shoe was on the other foot and there were cute girls going to be at a party where I was going, they didn’t want you there, and I decided to leave you at home knowing that all these girls are going to hit on me, you’re okay with it? Okay, well, I guess I know where we stand. I guess I need to reevaluate. Maybe you’re not the girl I thought you were.”
You want a girl who wouldn’t even think about that, who’s like, “Of course you’re going to be there. Of course I’m bringing my boyfriend there. I can’t bring my boyfriend? Okay, well, I’m not going.” I mean, I’ve had situations like this over the course of my life, whether it’s a work party and they’re like, “Well, you can’t bring any guests.” It’s like, “Okay, well, I’m not going to go to the work party then, because I want to bring my boyfriend.” And oftentimes they relent, “Okay, well, you can bring your boyfriend then.” That’s the right thing to do, especially if you have kids together. “Oh, I don’t like your husband. He’s a jerk. I don’t want him here.” Fuck that.
She mentioned to me a few months ago that she would never be interested in him.
Thanks for your work Corey!
It doesn’t matter. Whether she is or she isn’t is irrelevant. The point being is the right thing to do is to make sure you’re there. And if she doesn’t think highly enough of you to have you there and being willing to just say, “Well, if I can’t bring my boyfriend, I’m not going,” then you know where you stand. Then you know that you’re really not that important to her and you’re not really a priority. Remember, no drama allowed. Drama free zone, baby. I wouldn’t put up with anything less than that. Like I said, it’s just the right and the honorable thing to do.
So if you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“In an intimate adult relationship, a man and woman are teammates. The health of their relationship should always be the number one priority, and all other relationships need to be secondary. It is due to the strength of their union and partnership that they can weather any and all storms that life throws their way. When they allow other relationships, people and even children to interfere in their primary relationship, it weakens their bond and ability to achieve their grandest goals and dreams together. A strong pair bond keeps their relationship, friendships and outside relationships strong, healthy and resilient. A weak pair bond creates the conditions where all other relationships are weakened and can potentially dissolve into chaos, dysfunction and heartbreak. Weak leadership never serves anyone.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne