What to look for so you can avoid getting played by manipulative women.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who has read 3% Man 7 times and shares some stories of manipulative women he’s dated. He seems to keep attracting the same kinds of women. The 2nd email is from a guy who got all excited because a woman he works with, but who has been engaged for 6 years, is showing interest in him. He says he’s read my book 33 times but is contemplating how to involve himself with a woman who obviously is probably not very loyal.
These emails show just how badly guys can deceive themselves when their emotions are engaged and make bad decisions that would be obvious to avoid for most people. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
*Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, without any extra cost to you. Thank you for your support.
These should be some interesting emails. I was I was talking to a guy I was doing a phone session with the other day, and he’d been following me for about six, seven years. He’d only read the book, I think it was like three times he had read it. And that was several years ago before the most recent woman he got involved with. And so, as we’re going through the phone session, he’s giving me the impression that he’s following everything along dutifully. But this girlfriend of his just doesn’t seem to want to make the time for him, and it’s almost like she’s annoyed that he even wants to spend time with her.
She’s talking about she needs space, she’s hinting at breaking up, and it’s like something’s not jiving. And then I asked him, “So what percentage are you reaching out to her first, versus her reaching out to you first?” He had been saying it was mostly her. So, we were talking about the last few weeks, and he’s like, “Actually, it’s been all me.” And I was like, “You’ve been following me for all these years.” And the guy really believed he was following the the book, even though he’s doing 100% of the pursuing, and his girlfriend is saying she needs space, when he’s basically begging her to give him attention. “Hey, can I come by? Can I come by and hang out with you? Can I come by and stay with you?” And that’s one of the things about what I do that’s so amazing to me, is how much us guys, we delude ourselves when our emotions are engaged.
It’s like, we literally will deny reality. It’s what’s called a scotoma. And we’ve all had that experience where, say you’re looking for salt in the cabinet and you’re like, “Hey, honey, where’s the salt?” Or to your roommates, or whatever. And they’re like, “Oh, it’s in the top cabinet.” You look and you’re like, “There’s no salt on the top cabinet” or “There’s no cajun seasoning on the top cabinet where you said it was.” And the other person is like, “Yes, it is, top shelf.” You’re like, “I’m looking. There’s nothing there.” And so, the person is convinced that it’s not there. And then somebody comes over and grabs it, it’s literally right in front of you, and goes, “What’s this?” So, it’s a scotoma. We’ve all had that.
When emotions are involved, because we make our decisions based upon our emotions, and we use logic and reason. That’s why, especially guys, when they get involved with girls they really like, it’s like they project the fantasy. They literally completely ignore reality. They bullshit themselves. They literally lie to themselves.
Just like this client I was talking to. The woman, at least at that point in the story, she was doing most of the pursuing. And then, the last few weeks, he’s like, “Well, it’s 100% me. It had been 50/50 most of the relationship. I was like, “Well, you understand. The book explains what happens when it’s 50/50, you’re platonic roommates.” And he’s wondering why his girlfriend hadn’t had sex with him in the last six months. It’s like, she’s just not turned on. And so, it’s like asking the right questions, and sometimes in my job, it makes it difficult. It’s like pulling teeth to get the guys to admit the truth.
And then, you find out the girl hasn’t slept with them in months, and she’s putting him off, she’s hinting at breakups, and yet he thinks he’s doing everything right. And meanwhile, he’s doing 100% and pursuing it, literally chasing her out of his life. And he can’t recognize it and won’t admit that to himself. And then it’s interesting. Then you hear him like, “Well, it’s nice to hear that from another person.” Because deep down they know that they’re bullshitting themselves.
But that’s why they hire me. I come in and point all of these things out, everything that they’re doing wrong to turn the girl off. Because I can hear the things that he’s sharing with me that the girl is saying to him, which tells you everything you need to know about what’s really going on. That’s why, even when a guy is bullshitting me in a phone session and trying to pretend like he’s doing everything right, when he shares what the woman says and what the woman does, because women are so predictable when you understand them, it’s like, “Oh, I can tell exactly what’s going on,” and then point that out to them.
And so, both of these guys in these two emails have some of that going on. When you really care about somebody, when you really like somebody, when you’re really attracted, when you’re learning this stuff, how do you keep from bullshitting yourself? How do you keep from lying to yourself and projecting your fantasies? Just like you’ll see in the second email, the guy’s read my book over 33 times, yet with a straight face he’s going, “Oh yeah, well, she’s got a fiance she’s had for six years and she’s hitting on me. What do I do? How do I play that?”
Even though he’s been following me for many, many years, it’s not clicking that if she’s willing to cheat on her boyfriend, or her fiance in this case, with you, she’ll do it to you eventually. But no, he’s like, “How do I play that? How do I get her? How do I get her to like me?” It’s just that whole mindset, instead of being a selective man who is only going to date women he really likes, but most importantly, who like him back, and treat him properly, and who have high character traits. Yet, these guys just completely bullshit themselves.
First Viewer’s Email:
Dude. Love your work. I’ve read/listened to your book 7+ times. I listen to it daily when I work out. My ex-girlfriend treated me like trash.
Well, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Whatever you tolerate you invite more of. If you’re having a problem like this guy is with the quality of the women he’s attracting, obviously, he is staying engaged with women, when he sees low character traits, he’s not disengaging.
If you’re one of those people that maybe you had a family member that had drug or alcohol issues, or some kind of addiction issues, or they had mental health issues, and you grew up making excuses for that person, making excuses to their boss, “Oh, they’re really sick,” when in reality they’re they’re hungover and passed out. When you grow up in a household where everybody is, in essence, enabling somebody’s addiction behavior or they’ve got mental health things that they’re covering up for, you’ll tend to gravitate towards people that you’re trying to save, people that you’re trying to fix. “Oh, she’d be a perfect girlfriend if I could just fix this, about her.”
Just like women do all the time, “Oh, he’d be the perfect boyfriend if I could just fix this.” And yet, they completely ignore reality, and most of us are listening to this person that’s close to us tell us their story of who they’re interacting with; we can see exactly why they need to not be involved with that person. But when they project the fantasy of what they want and they’re emotionally anchored to it, all the logic and reason and things that are totally obvious to most of us just go right out the door. As Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”
I dumped her via letter about a year ago. (Thanks for the idea. Platoon movie!)
So, in the movie “Platoon,” there was some dude who dumped his girl through a letter. That might have been a different movie. I think it might have been “Hamburger Hill,” if I’m not mistaken. Because there was a part in the movie where they’re sitting around and they’re reading their letters. The mail has just come, and this guy got a Dear John letter from his girlfriend, basically said she’s not going to write him anymore and doesn’t want to be with him because he’s a baby killer. Because this was back when all the hippie stuff was going on in the late 60s. So, maybe that was where he got the idea. I don’t remember that part in “Platoon,” but then again, I haven’t seen “Platoon” in many decades. Good movie, though.
It was a very mean “Fuck you, I deserve better than you, good luck with life. It’s not me, it’s you!”
I deeply regretted dumping her a while ago, but it motivated me. I did a triathlon and lost 7 inches off my waist, (45 pounds).
So, obviously he was overweight. And you can understand, somebody that’s extremely overweight, that’s probably been ridiculed about it, they’re going to be insecure about that. In other words, they’re going to have a negative self perception. They’re going to think less of themselves, whether they realize it or not. And as Tony Robbins said, “People will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not.”
If you don’t feel you’re worthy or deserving of love, you’ll stay around in a relationship or trying to date somebody that treats you exactly that way, that makes you feel like you’re not worthy and deserving of love. They’ll withhold it from you, and yet you’ll stay engaged. Just like the client I was talking about earlier, who’s doing 100% of the pursuing, and his girlfriend is trying to push him away, trying to make it obvious without being rude that she doesn’t even want to see him or be around him. And yet he’s going, “Oh, I love this girl. How do I how do I get her to like me more? How do I get her to pay attention to me?”
And instead of backing off and matching and mirroring her lack of enthusiasm, he pursues more because, as he said, he was in a state of fear. He’s afraid of losing her. I was like, “Dude, you’re going to make happen exactly what you’re afraid of. You’re literally going to chase her out of your life.”
I applied to Wharton and Harvard grad programs. I’ve got women at bars and my country club hitting on me. At my high school reunion, I had the prom queen hitting on me. No, thanks. I bought an entire new high end Italian wardrobe. I focused on my business. Without the distraction of a girl, I made a million bucks last year. When she got my dear John letter, she had one of my extra vehicles I was letting her use since she didn’t have a car.
Does it sound like this guy who makes $1 million a year is dating a woman that’s on his level or his caliber? No, it sounds like he was dating a project. “Oh, she’d be perfect if I could just fix this about her.”
I hired a private firm to repo my truck back while she was working. She had trashed it, trash everywhere, panties in the glove box, three flat tires, a broken radio, dead lights and blinkers.
Guess what, she emailed me a bit ago. I had heard nothing from her in about a year. She didn’t even email or text when I shipped her shit back to her when I moved to my new top floor condo. Apparently, she’s now engaged and is getting evicted.
She sounds like a real winner. But notice, several times this guy is like, let me go over the last statement, “When I moved into my new top floor condo.” And remember, he’s got the expensive Italian suit. He’s very focused on money, how much he’s making, and his success. So, what do you think he’s talking about when he meets women? He’s probably bragging about his accomplishments. He’s probably got his Rolex, and his gold rings, and his gold chains, and whatever kind of bling he’s wearing, an expensive car or whatever, and he’s going to places and showing off, trying to prove to the world, “Hey, I’m successful.”
If you go out putting that into the world, and your success, your identity, if you will — it’s all associated with your expensive suits, how much you make your expensive watches, your expensive cars, your penthouse that you’re living at — you’re obviously trying to make up for what you feel a lack of inside, which is self confidence. So, you’re going into the world letting everybody know how rich and successful you are.
And what’s happening is that you’re attracting women who are attracted to the stuff. Not you, but to your stuff. So, if you’re going to continue to go through the world and brag about what you have and be very gaudy about it, wearing expensive suits with the expensive chains and acting like a big shot, when maybe the reality is you’re really not that much of a big shot, you’re going to attract women that are going to fall in love or be attracted to the image because of what you can do for them.
It’s like the same kind of vibe as dudes that think Seeking Arrangement is a good website to date and find girlfriends on. It’s a transactional based website. The women that are there, they’re willing to give out the pussy for money and stuff. And then the guys wonder why. Because I’ve done countless phone sessions over the years with dudes that got involved with women that they met on Seeking Arrangement and other things like that, and then they wonder why it’s like horse trading, or they end up just basically paying her bills.
It’s because you’re basically dating a glorified hooker. That’s what you’re doing. And you’re trying to turn a hoe into a housewife. And yet they don’t make the connection, even though they might have been following me for years, because, again, they’re bullshitting themselves. They’re projecting their fantasy and ignoring reality. And the real reason these women pay attention to them is because of all their bling, and their money, and how they’re going about it.
While she wants to meet me for a drink, she can’t, saying her fiancé is a lunatic and would blow up if he knew she was asking me for help.
So, she wants to meet him for a drink, but she can’t. So, that sounds like he’s entertaining it. That sounds like he’s trying to get her to spend time with him. That doesn’t sound like a guy who perceives himself as having options. That sounds like a guy who perceives himself as being desperate.
She never asked for money but just asked for advice on her landlord situation.
Yeah, it’s like the damsel in distress. “Oh, these are all my poor problems.” Because more than likely, in the past, he’d write the check or give her money.
I gave her my most precious resource, my time, and told her how to handle things. She’s basically completely fucked.
Well, that was your best thinking at the time. You being in a relationship with her was your best thinking.
Pre-Coach Corey me: “Oh sweetheart, you need a car? Here, let me go get you one. Oh, you need a few grand? how would you like it, Zelle, Venmo or cash?
Post Coach Corey: You get the privilege of a response to address a situation of your own making.
Now the issue. With the exception of my country club, the women I’m meeting in person or on apps are total trash.
Well, you should be meeting women in person. If you want to meet and date high character women, well, that’s why. People who join a country club typically have money. So, if you’re meeting people there, maybe they’re the daughters of other successful people and they’ve probably been raised right. People that make more money typically tend to eat better, and be healthier, and will be more likely to be concerned about eating right, being fit, staying in shape, and looking good, and have more character. But if you’re on websites like Seeking Arrangement…
What I noticed several years ago, the last time I was on the online dating apps, was that I couldn’t believe how many women were on the regular dating apps, Hinge and the other things, pretending that they’re there looking to date, when in reality they’re just looking for gullible guys that are desperate, that are willing to drop a couple of grand a week to hang out, and have fun, and hook up, and basically get paid. Basically, hookers. There’s a lot of hookers on those dating apps.
If you’ve got a beautiful woman who comes from a good family, she’s got a good social circle, a good social life, a lot of girlfriends. She does things socially with her friends. She’s not out clubbing all the time. Those women, they’re getting approached all the time in their daily lives. They’re not going to be on Tinder or the dating apps. Girls like that, they don’t need to be there, because they get so much attention in their social lives.
And so, it’s important that if you want to meet those kinds of women, it’s about setup. You’ve got to put yourself in situations where those kind of women are. He meets good quality women at the country club, but the women that he’s meeting on the streets, just regular random women on the streets or the dating apps, he says are total trash. So, obviously, if you’re fishing in crappy water and you don’t like the quality of the fish that you’re getting, you need to fish somewhere else.
If you’re meeting good quality women at your country club, well, where else can you go or belong to? Maybe a yacht club, or maybe some other kind of private club that you can join. You’ve got to get into a social circle where other successful, well-off people are hanging out. It’s the difference between going to like a regular gym, like a planet Fitness, or Equinox I think is the other one, which is much more expensive, so you’re going to get a different type of clientele.
People with a lot of money are going to go spend the money to go to an expensive type of gym. It’s just, you’ve got to think about the quality that you’re looking for. You know, if you’re going on Seeking Arrangement or you’re trying to pick up chicks at the local titty bar, you shouldn’t be surprised that they act like trailer trash.
They seemingly just want my money and/or to mooch off me at the country club. Private pool with poolside cocktail service, yes, please.
Again, just like I said, it’s the suit, the bling, “my penthouse,” “I made $1 million last year.” I had a friend like this in my 20s that was always talking about his car because he used to buy older Porsches and fix them up. He built his own fuel injection system, everything, and really made these badass cars. And then he would sell them, and he’d make $10, 15, 20 grand on these cars. The project would take a year or so to get everything fixed up. Then he would drive it around for a year. He usually had two of them going. And then he would sell one them, make a bunch of money, and then buy another one.
And he was always talking about it. He was always talking about his watch. He was very flashy. And he was a good looking dude, but all the women that he attracted were just basically like this guy. They were attracted to the bling and the things and what he could do for them and not that person.
So, my suggestion to you is to dress like a regular dude. Stop dressing and accessorizing yourself with things that attract flies. What I’ve noticed about people with money, like one of my neighbors when I lived down in South Beach, he was a billionaire and a dude dressed like me. He wore shorts, t shirts, flip flops. He wasn’t wearing gold everywhere. The dude was incredibly wealthy, but he was the coolest, most regular dude. And if you just met him on the street, you would think some guy making, you know, $30–40 grand a year, just the nicest, kindest dude.
But he’s a titan in business. He was born into it, but he and the rest of his family have been able to maintain it for several generations now and grow the family’s wealth. So, you know, you’ve got to think about what you’re doing to fish, if you will. If you’re very flashy and into superficial things, you’re going to attract superficial women.
How do we quickly and easily weed out trash?
Well dress like a normal guy, number one, and stop talking about all of your accomplishments, and how much money you have, and things that attract that kind of women. You lean in on your personality, and then you know that a woman is with you because she likes you for you, not because you are bragging about how much you made.
My last date took about a grand in cash from my wallet when we went back to my place after dinner and martinis.
Thanks for your book and your great videos.
Again, you sound very transactional. And the women that you’re dating, it sounds like a chick that you met on Seeking Arrangement, or you took home a stripper, or somebody like that. It’s. That’s on you, dude. If you constantly attract the same kind of women, you’re the problem.
Second Viewer’s Email:
So, let’s go to the second guy’s email. He says his title is:
SHE IS ENGAGED, BUT SHOWS SIGNS OF ATTRACTION. WHAT TO DO
Never mow another man’s lawn. I mean, we all know that, right? This guy’s been following me since 2020, 3 years. And there’s been countless emails where I’ve gone over similar situations, yet, here he is going, “Oh, yeah, I think it’s a good idea to try and get involved with this girl that’s engaged.”
Good morning Coach,
I this finds you well. I’m a big fan of you and your work and have been following you since May 2020, during a time that I was finding it particularly difficult with a girl. However, that’s a closed chapter, so on to my current situation. After walking away from that girl, who had originally been the reason why I found you and your work, due to her friendzoning me, I began a long recovery journey which is still on-going today. I read your book 33 times, 1 for each year of my life and bad social conditioning. I know 3% Man so well I could give a University lecture on it, ha-ha.
Well, before you can teach, you must know. It’s one thing to know the material, but it’s another to actually embody it. You’ve got to practice it.
About a couple of months ago I started a new job in mental health, which is my area of study. In my new place of work, I am surrounded by women, with a ratio of 27 women to 3 men, with me being one of the 3. As I now know what the qualities of an alpha male are, and having done a lot of work on myself, I feel more confident than ever, and I’m the company’s clown.
I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
Every girl I talk to, including my line manager, has a heartfelt laugh at what I say and gives me signs of attraction. But here’s the situation. One of my colleagues, who has been engaged to her partner for 6 years, has recently started giving me quite overt signs of attraction.
Well, you attract how you act. And so, if you’re encouraging a woman who’s engaged to another man to continue to show you attention and try to grow her attraction, well, you’re basically putting the vibe into the world that you are totally down to hang out with lying, cheating women who have no integrity. Because character is destiny, and what you’re communicating to the universe is like, “Oh yeah, I’m all about women that are willing to cheat on their spouses. I’m all about women that want to cheat on their fiance. I’m all about women that want to cheat on their boyfriends.”
I mean, in all the movies, what you see often is a guy’s with a woman he’s not that into, a real hot girl’s with a guy that’s kind of a jerk. And then he’s not happy. She’s not happy with the jerk that she’s with. And then they meet, and then they have chemistry. He leaves his girlfriend he’s not that into. She bounces back and forth between the jerk and potentially him, then goes back to the jerk. And then, ultimately, they live happily ever after, because she finally leaves the jerk, and everything’s perfect.
But character is destiny. If she cheats on him, she’ll cheat on you. And if you’re encouraging that kind of behavior, you should not be surprised down the road, when she cheats on you, or somebody else cheats on you. Because you’re inviting it. You’re communicating that you’re cool with it and you want that in your life.
She flirts with me and I flirt back. She busts my balls and I bust hers. She giggles and laughs at everything I say, even when it would be inappropriate to do so. Last Friday, while on a teams work call, she went in a teams break room with me only, (she obviously wanted to be alone with me, ha), and then said the following words, “Adjust your screen I wanna see that beautiful face,” all with a really malicious tone. I replied jokingly, “Bet that’s the most beautiful face you’ve ever seen,” gave her a quick wink, and of course she laughed.
But at the end of the day, she’s with somebody else.
As I was saying, she has been engaged for 6 years and my question to you is what the best course of action would be in this situation.
Well, you’re always going to treat all women the same, but you’ve also got to recognize that, “Hey, you’ve got a fiancé. It’d be a different story if we were both single. But you’ve got a fiancé, and I don’t get involved with women that are married, women that are engaged, or women that have boyfriends. I just don’t do that. If it doesn’t work out, let me know. But it’s not going to go any further than that.”
I’d be playful, I’d tease her at work, but I wouldn’t be “Hey, let’s go meet for a drink “or “Let’s go to lunch together.” I wouldn’t be doing any of those things. Even just you and her going to lunch together is going to cause other people in the office to think something is going on. And if everybody knows her fiance, he comes to company functions and things like that, that’s just not a good situation.
Please keep in mind, she is my colleague, she is engaged, and 10 years younger than me, (I’m now 34).
So, that means this girl is 24 and I guess she’s been engaged since she was 18 years old.
If she was single and not a colleague, I would know exactly what to do, but given the situation…
I’d joke around, I’d laugh, I’d have fun with her, but I would not meet her alone one on one. I’d always make sure there were other people there. And if she starts telling you about how unhappy she is with her fiance and what a jerk he is and how funny and awesome you are, you say, “Hey, I appreciate the compliment, but it’s not going to go anywhere between you and I, because you’re still with your fiance. If you’re unhappy with him, and you know you don’t want to be with him, and you know you don’t want to marry him, then you should break it off, because it’s not fair to him or you.”
“And if you ever do break it off or it doesn’t work out and you’re single, let me know. We can go out. But other than that, the only thing we can be is work colleagues. That’s it. We can be work colleagues, we can be friends at work, but we’re not going to hang out. We’re not going to go to drinks. We’re not going to do anything one on one. We can go out as a group with everybody, but nothing’s going to happen as long as you’re in a relationship. I just don’t get involved with women that have boyfriends or husbands or fiancés. It’s just, that’s a red line. I don’t do it. It doesn’t work for me.”
That’s if the conversation comes up, which more than likely, it sounds like she’s already hinting at things. But that’s part of your job as a man, is to hold other people accountable, including yourself, to the standards that you set. You shouldn’t be encouraging ratchet behavior, because you attract how you act. If you encourage women that you’re with to cheat on their boyfriends, their husbands, or their fiancees with you, you’re at some point going to reap that karma and you’re going to get cheated on.
So, like I said, you can see going through these emails, guys are like, “Oh, this is a great idea. It’s a great idea to get involved with these kinds of women.” Even though most of us would see that things are pretty obvious here.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.