What you should do if you got dumped, but your ex still calls you and sleeps with you but doesn’t want a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-two year old guy who started living with his girlfriend during the quarantine. He says that he started behaving badly and not being in his masculine and she dumped him. He was depressed and heartbroken.
A month later, she got in touch and they hung out and hooked up again. Since then, she has come and gone numerous times, and despite the fact they still hook up when she gets in touch, she still doesn’t want a relationship with him. He hasn’t heard from her in three weeks now. He asks what he can do to turn things around and get her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This has kind of gone back and forth over the last six to eight months, where she disappears, then comes back, they hook up, he starts to pursue, she backs off, disappears. So obviously, he’s pretty frustrated by this and he wants to get back with her permanently, instead of this back and forth thing.
I see this a lot in the phone sessions I do with guys. When their relationship goes sideways or the woman they were really into doesn’t want to date them anymore, it’s like, they lose track of everything. They lose focus on their purpose, their mission in life, they have a hard time concentrating, and it just screws everything up in their life. Because they focus too much of their energy and their attention on the relationship, instead of their purpose and mission, which should always be the most important thing in a man’s life. That’s what makes him a man in the first place. That’s why she’s originally drawn and attracted to him, because he’s got his life together. And she can go complement his life and join his fun bus, so to speak.
A woman wants a guy that’s got his purpose and his mission together. And especially if she becomes a stay at home mom and they have kids, if he can’t keep his act together and is constantly losing it when things go sideways in their relationship, that’s going to cause her to not feel safe and comfortable trusting his masculine core to be the leader in the relationship.
I’m Bob from Catalonia, and I’m 22 years old. I have read your book and watched a lot of your YouTube videos. I had been in a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. She was the girl of my dreams, personally and physically. She was really madly in love with me, and we were really happy.
So far, so good.
During quarantine, we lived together for 2 months and a half. I started behaving badly, not giving her the presence she asked for…
So, in other words, women typically complain and tell you what’s wrong and what they want you to fix. But a lot of guys hear this and are like, “I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t think she meant it.” You know, this is always after the fact when they’ve gotten dumped. So she’s helping him, trying to tell him what to do. Maybe she wasn’t able to communicate it in a way that his logical brain would understand, because women tend to be focused more emotionally, not wanting to hurt your feelings and hoping that you kind of get the example that she’s giving to you and figure out what she really means. Because women and men just talk and communicate differently. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
…and not in my masculine, (I realize that now, after reading your book).
In August she dumped me. It completely took me by surprise, something I couldn’t understand, and it really got me depressed.
Well, if you lose, as you said, you started behaving badly and you weren’t giving her your presence. Maybe you weren’t opening her up, making her feel heard and understood, you stopped being the guy that she fell in love with. So, all the things that drew her to you, you stopped displaying those qualities. And instead, it’s like you kind of became a child, you became her child, in essence. And she wants an equal and a teammate, not somebody that she’s got to baby and mother. And a lot of guys do that. A lot of guys get into a long term relationship, and they try to turn their girlfriend or their wife into their mommy, and eventually they really resent it.
In September, she called me again. She wanted to see me.
So, obviously, it sounds like after she dumped him, he just backed off and let her be. Which is the right move, because if somebody doesn’t want to be with you, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. If she can’t see your value, and then you’ll go find somebody who does. That’s the important mindset here. Because your purpose and mission is to be happy, to fulfill your grandest goals and dreams and reach your full potential.
And if somebody says, “Hey, I’m not on board with this,” you say, “Hey, well, it sucks. I’m going to miss you, but, give me a call if you change your mind.” And then he continues seeking and searching, because he says, “Eventually I’m going to find somebody better.” But when the guy just goes and chases like, “I can’t live without you… Stella!” If you’ve ever seen the old movie with Marlon Brando, “A Streetcar Named Desire,” “Stella!” It doesn’t work in real life. Or the other one, “Say Anything” with John Cusack, where he’s holding the boom box above his head from the ’80s. That’s another soy filled movie that’s just not a good archetype. You don’t want to emulate that. It doesn’t work.
We went to dinner, and after two hours of chatting and laughing, she started touching and hugging me.
So, she missed him. He continued on with his life, she hadn’t met anybody new in those thirty days, and she’s starting to miss all the good times, because he had stopped over-pursuing her. And therefore, her attraction started to creep back up, she started to miss him, and that’s why she got back in touch. But when that happens, you’ve got to handle it properly. Like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” when somebody comes back at this point, you’ve got to have the mindset of they’ve got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She pushed you away, she dumped you, she disappeared from your life.
Remember, you’re driving the fun bus. You’re not running chicks down with your fun bus going, “Get on my fun bus!” It doesn’t work that way. You’re like, “Oh, you don’t want to get on? Hey, there’s another stop right on down the road. Can’t wait to see who gets on then.” That’s the attitude you want to have.
So, he let her come to him, even physically. Because your inaction is very attractive, especially to a woman that likes you, because the idea is you want to go slightly slower than she does. And when you’re going slightly slower than she does, she becomes more aggressive, because most guys don’t do that.
That’s why I love the older movies, because it was so it was so normal back then, that the guy’s got his purpose and mission, the top tier guys. They’re not interested in settling down, and white picket fences, and babies and all that stuff. They want to go out and conquer the world. And yet, some gorgeous woman comes along, catches his eye and his attention, and eventually she pulls him into her little vision that she wants for both of their lives. And eventually, begrudgingly, he goes along with it, because she’s got a great idea, and how can you resist? But it’s her pursuing him.
We ended up in her bedroom and spending the night together.
Afterwards, I was the one going after her.
That’s where you screwed up, dude. This is where a lot of guys make the mistake. They’re like, “Hey, we just hooked up. Things are going to get back to normal. She wants to get back together. She wants to be in a relationship again.” This is what they’re thinking. They forget the simple formula, hang out, have fun and hook up. It doesn’t say, “hang out, have fun, hook up and then have a relationship,” because that’s not your business. That’s not your AO, that’s not your area of operations, my man. That’s the woman’s area of operations. Stay out of her AO, and you’ll be fine.
So, she’s earning another chance with you. Your attitude should be like, “Hey, I like the fact that she came over, we hooked up. It was really wonderful. We had good conversation, but I want to see what she does next,” because she has to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing when she pushes you away. And you made the mistake of starting to pursue her, as if you were just dating again.
And that’s why you need to review “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’re doing the opposite of what I teach in this situation. And you’re seeing that it doesn’t work. You got dumped and blown off, because you over pursued. And as soon as you go on one date and you hook up, you go right back to what got you dumped in the first place. So, it’s just a matter of time before you get pushed away again, because you’re doing too much of the pursuing.
Women should be doing, especially in this case, where you’re giving her the opportunity to earn another chance with you, she’s going to do all of the calling, texting, pursuing. She blew the relationship up. She ended it. She unilaterally changed the terms and said, “See you later. I’m going to ride off into the sunset.” And your attitude should be, “She’ll be back.” I actually did a video about that a few months ago called “She’ll Be Back,” and did quite well. If you haven’t seen it, you should definitely watch it if you’re in this situation.
I set dates every week. She always responded with a yes.
So, he’s doing all of the pursuing, not letting her come to him and rebuild her feelings.
When we were on the date, she was always the one forcing things to be as before, very romantic and sex-effective.
Well, she was going along with it. But again, you’re doing the opposite of what I teach, so it’s predictable what’s going to happen. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. You can set your watch to it, bro. Because women need time and space away from you to wonder about you. If she dumped you and is remorseful, and she starts coming back, and you hook up, and then a couple of days go by and she hasn’t heard from you, she starts to think, “Is he mad? Does he not like me? Does he not want to get back together with me?”
It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, if you’re giving her the opportunity to earn another chance with you, because the reality is once you’re in a relationship, women are going to do 90–95% of the calling, texting and pursuing anyway. It’s just normal. Guys are more stoic and focused on their mission and purpose.
Plus, when you’re living together, you’re going to see each other every day anyway. A guy that’s happy in a relationship is going to be even more focused on his purpose and mission and increasing his income earning potential, because that gives him more resources to do things together with her and with the family and create a great life for themselves and their kids.
But all other days she didn’t want to talk nor think about me.
So, that tells me the mindset is he’s seeking her attention and validation. Remember, she’s supposed to be earning another chance with you, and you’re acting like, “I’ve got to get another chance with her.” She ditched you. She tossed you to the curb. So, you want to see that she’s going to consistently make the effort. And what you’ve always done is you always over-pursued and you’ve gone right back to doing the same behavior that got you dumped.
I was very confused. By her actions, it was clear she still liked me.
But she was always saying she didn’t want to come back, so I kept pursuing her.
That’s because you were focused on a relationship. You were acting like a girl, basically. You’re acting like a woman. That’s not masculine. That’s why she moves away from you, because you act feminine. There’s no sexual polarity with a feminine guy and a feminine woman. It doesn’t work. It makes her pussy dryer than a bucket of sand, bro. That’s the way it is. I didn’t make the rules, I didn’t make women this way. Talk to the big man upstairs if you don’t like it.
Obviously, she was losing more and more interest each week because of that. I was feeling really bad about that, because I didn’t understand it, so one day I told her she was using me and she got really angry.
So, the only reason you said that is you were hoping that that manipulation would cause her to treat you better. Instead of admitting that you were doing all of the over-pursuing, recognizing it, and then just focusing on hanging out, having fun and hooking up. And when that’s not happening, you’re focused on your mission and your purpose. And since you’re not exclusive, you’re open to the possibility you may meet somebody hotter, and who treats you better, and who you get along with better. It happens.
So, in other words, may the best girl win. She had her chance, she had you locked up, and she pushed you away. So, if she wants to lock you up again, well, she’s going to have to make more of an effort than she’s making. And you can’t do it for her. It’s like, you’re a guy on the tennis court. You’re not satisfied with the amount of balls she’s hitting back over the net, so you turn the automatic ball machine on and you start shooting them at her. And then, eventually, she runs off the court, because she gets tired of getting pelted with balls.
After a month, I talked to her again, apologized and we had another date. It happened the same, she treated me as her boyfriend and we hooked up, (she still liked being with me a lot).
You got together and you turned her off, because you’re always pursuing, and then you blow your top because she doesn’t want to be with you that much. And you’re ignoring the fact that you’re still over-pursuing. You’re literally chasing her out of your life and turning her off.
On Christmas, she started talking to me via WhatsApp, and we chatted for two months, (the same way we chatted when we were together). We couldn’t see each other because of the mobility restrictions.
Yeah, it sucks, there’s too many commies in government, unfortunately. But we all elected them. And 96% of all incumbents get elected, so we can’t be upset at that. How stupid can we be? We vote for the same people and nothing changes, and then we get angry.
As we were chatting more and more, she started losing interest and started talking to me more like a friend.
It’s not that “we” were chatting more, “you” were chatting more and more, trying to cause her to like you more.
I realized that. The last time we met, I said to her that I didn’t want her as a friend, she told me that she didn’t want a relationship. Then I told her that she wasn’t behaving accordingly. Then she started crying and we talked about it. It felt like she was realizing that her actions don’t match with her theory.
That’s one of the reasons why, typically with most women, you don’t ask them for relationship advice. Because they don’t really understand why they’re feeling it. They know you’re the perfect guy on paper, but at the end of the day, you’re not stirring those emotions internally. And that’s why you have to give her time and space away from you to wonder about you and miss you.
And like I said, in this case, this is why after you see her and you hook up, you don’t call or text her for any reason until you do hear from her, because your attitude is, she’s got to earn another chance with you. And you’re trying to see, “Hey, is there something better out there? Because I’m going to get what I want, whether it’s with her or somebody else.” But like I said, you’re doing the opposite of what I teach, so that’s why you’re not getting the results you want.
So, we decided that we wanted to keep seeing each other and let it flow. Again, we had contact, hugging and some kissing. We agreed that next week, when we both would be in Barcelona, she would call me to get a date in my apartment. Three weeks have passed, and she never called me. It was clear by her actions that, after me making a lot of mistakes repeatedly, she still liked me a lot. But, in her head she didn’t want to get in a relationship again…
Again, she wants to get in a relationships when she feels ready. And you’re constantly getting in the way of her feelings and her interest going up, because you’re such a needy, neurotic, insecure guy. You’re over-pursuing her. You should not be pursuing a woman who has dumped you.
…because of the bad experience during quarantine. Now, I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to meet me.
Because you’re acting like a needy, insecure jackass. It’s totally unattractive. You’re acting like a stalker, dude. This doesn’t work. It’s cute in the movies, but doesn’t work in real life.
By her actions, she really wanted me, but now it seems she doesn’t.
Because you displayed a lot of unattractive behavior and you did the opposite of what the book teaches. This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.
I would like to ask her what has happened.
It doesn’t matter. You turned her off by your actions.
I would love to know what she thinks…
Well, I think she’s not very attracted to you right now, and that’s why you just need to let her be.
…but I know I can’t pursue her more. I’m afraid that she forgets about me or meets another guy.
Well, she may have. You can only do this so much before she loses all feelings for you and eventually does meet another guy. So, if you keep it up, I promise you you’re going to find out that eventually she’s dating and sleeping with another guy and you’re permanently stuck in friend zone.
So, I just have to wait? Let time pass and wait for the next opportunity to start again?
Thank you very much.
Well, the problem is that you think her reaching out to you means you go right back to pursuing her. You’ve tried that. We’re what, eight, nine months you’ve been trying this approach, and where has it gotten you? Nowhere, but blue balls. It’s not going to work. I mean, you could try it again, and then maybe next time she’ll blow you off permanently and end up with some other guy.
It’s your life, but you have to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And then you simply make dates to hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s a really simple formula. You’ve got to let her do one 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you hear from her, assume she wants to see you make a date to your place. Hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s pretty simple. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Don’t call her or text her for any reason.
Go to “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” look it up on YouTube, go to my website and read it, learn it and apply it, because you’re doing the opposite. I get to the end of your email, and you’re recognizing that you’re over-pursuing, but you’re still in the mindset of “I’ve got to seek her attention and validation. I’ve got to get her to like me again,” and, “When do I get my next shot at pursuing her?” It’s never going to work, bro. You should see this by now.
So, if you’re in a similar situation and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“A man who loses focus on his purpose and mission in life and starts to focus too much on the woman he wants or is in a relationship with often starts making his woman his purpose and the center of his life. He starts chasing too much and trying to force interactions and dates. When the woman predictably gets confused and starts pulling away when he smothers her, he will lose even more focus on his purpose and mission and drift further away from the man he was when she first fell in love with him. This creates a downward spiral where he literally chases her right out of his life. A great woman is a great complement to a great man’s life. She is there to share her completeness with him, not to complete him. A man who feels like he lacks something on the inside, that he mistakenly believes the woman fills up, will eventually end up permanently lacking her from his life also.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne