Girlfriend Doesn’t Want To Be Intimate?
What it means and what you should do if your girlfriend doesn’t want to be intimate.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his girlfriend doesn’t want to be intimate with him. He admits he’s been needy and done a lot of things, like get jealous of some of the male orbiters she had. He says he didn’t handle it well, but things have started turning around the last few weeks since finding my work. However, last night she didn’t want to touch him or be intimate. She was very cold to him, but he got her to open up after talking and listening to her.
He’s worried about where he stands and if he can turn things around completely and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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If you’re doing things right, if you’re applying what’s in 3% Man, the reality is, your girl is going to want sex more than you do. That’s been my reality ever since I learned this stuff. And the guys that really learn and apply my work, that’s their reality also. That’s what you want. You want to create the conditions where the woman’s always seeking your attention and validation. Because, quite frankly, women naturally do this instinctively, as long as they feel safe and comfortable, as long as they trust your leadership, and as long as you’re showing up as a masculine man that they admire, they respect, and they look up to because you’re handling things.
In this case, this guy, for most of their relationship, has not handled things well. And so, you can tell she obviously feels like she’s walking on eggshells with this guy, so we want to get her to the point where she’s really comfortable. And when that happens, she’s going to be glued to you like a sucker fish. You’re going to get to the point where it’s like, “I need some space away from her. She’s smothering me at times.” And not that this is a bad thing, but as a man, that’s the place you want to be. That’s where you feel most naturally comfortable and confident in a relationship, when your girl is all over you because you’re doing everything right.
It really sucks, and this is what a lot of the guys in the red pill community experience, is they don’t know how to get a woman naturally attracted. They feel like she should just do all these things automatically, and they get mad and pissed off when they don’t, and they come up with all these ridiculous rationalizations as to why that is — her body count’s too high, she’s too old, she’s not young enough, blah, blah, whatever. Every time I mention the red pill community, always there’s always a bunch of dudes in the comments that get all butt hurt and get their panties in a bunch.
Last week, I had a guy that’s learned a lot from me and done a lot of clout chasing and done videos that talk shit about me showing up in my comments, bitching and complaining, and then I roasted his ass, and then he deleted his comment. Then he posted another one, I roasted his ass again, and so he deleted that comment because I made him look like the jackass that he is, the amateur that he is. And he didn’t like that too much. But, you come at the king, you best not miss. Don’t come at me with that fucking bitch ass nonsense. So, let’s go through this guy’s email and see what we can do to help him turn this situation around.
I’ve had some trouble with my girlfriend of one year (we’re living together). I’ve been needy and insecure, and my behavior has turned her off.
The idea is you have to display attractive qualities, that you’re comfortable in your skin, you’re confident, you’re sure of yourself. You know what you want, you have a mission and purpose that you’re pursuing. You’ve got a well rounded social life, you’re taking care of your physical body. You’re easygoing, easy to get along with, you don’t get butt hurt and perturbed easily, and you date and court and romance your girl properly. And, most importantly, she feels heard and understood.
If you’re with a girl and she’s normal and she’s healthy, and not a lunatic, and she feels heard and understood, she is going to be absolutely putty in your hands. And, again, back to the red pill community guys, this is something they just don’t know, they don’t understand, and they’ve never experienced it. All you can do is look at the writings and how they talk about women, and you can see it in the comments; these are some butt hurt dudes, and they don’t have a clue.
They can’t get out of their own way because it’s just much easier to point the finger and say it’s all women’s fault. And again, everything I teach is based on assuming that the woman you’re dealing with is normal and healthy and not some mentally ill lunatic, because there’s plenty of those out there. But if she is a lunatic, if you apply what’s in my book, it’s going to drive her away, which is what you want anyway.
Long story short, she had male orbiters and I didn’t handle it well. I fucked up many times.
So, the fact that he’s only been with her not even a year yet, and they’re already living together, and he’s admitted that he was needy and he was insecure, he was constantly communicating that he didn’t feel worthy of being with her, and he felt threatened by these male orbiters — which is understandable.
I don’t know what the story is with these guys, If they were old friends, if they were exes of hers, or they were just thirsty dudes that were hoping to get their shot. He didn’t really go into it. I’ve done countless videos on male orbiters, and you guys that know my work know how I feel about male orbiters. If you’re in a relationship, the only time your girl should be spending time with these male orbiters is when you’re with her, when you’re double dating or whatever. She shouldn’t be going out and meeting these dudes late at night for drinks or going to the club with her male friends while you’re at home, or whatever. That’s just not appropriate.
However, things turned around a couple of weeks ago after I started using your philosophy. Since then, I’ve read your book 3 times, and I’m going to read it another 12–15 times.
Last night she went straight to bed without giving me a kiss. She just said “good night” with a negative tone in her voice.
Something’s up. She’s mad. She’s not happy. “It’s fine. Everything’s okay. No, there’s nothing to worry about.” When you hear it in that tone, you’re like, “Honey, I can hear it in your voice. You’re upset. You’ve got to talk to me. What’s going on? Why are you so cranky? It’s bedtime. We’re going to go to sleep and cuddle. Why are you cranky?”
I asked her if something was wrong. She answered, “No. Why?” I told her that the tone in her voice sounded negative and that I didn’t receive a good night kiss. I could tell something was wrong.
Yeah, because this is the other thing. Women are going to go, “Oh, everything’s fine. I’m just tired.” And the reality is, if you care, you’re going be like, “I want to know what’s going on. We’re not going to go to sleep with you being angry at me. That’s just not going to be allowed.” Healthy relationships, they’ll stay up all night and solve this. They’re not going to go to bed, because if she says, “Everything’s fine, there’s nothing wrong,” and you could tell in her voice there’s something wrong, and you’re like, “Okay,” then she’ll get even more pissed off because if you cared, you’d want to know even if she’s bitchy.
In other words, you’re not afraid of her because she’s grumpy. And a lot of guys get afraid — “Oh, I don’t want to piss my wife off. I don’t want to upset my girlfriend. I don’t want her to get mad at me while we’re laying in bed, because I’m hoping to get lucky.” A man confronts whatever is going on in his kingdom without fear, and if his fair maiden is in a grumpy mood, he’s going to tease her, playfully. He’s going to mock her, lovingly. And he’s going to want to get to the bottom of it.
Because if the tone of her voice and the words she’s saying shows that she’s not in a good mood and she’s not happy, then she needs to be opened up, and you do that through talking and asking questions. And again, a good woman will communicate with you. A non-communicative, stonewalling, passive aggressive woman is just not going to do it. She’s just going to get more mad and get more pissed off and probably go and sleep in the other bedroom (and, eventually, she’ll be sleeping somewhere else completely).
So I asked her questions and listened, repeated some of the things she said, etc. In that conversation, she said she felt like she had to do things she didn’t want to do just to please me, (kisses, cuddles, hugs, sex).
So, obviously, in the past when he didn’t know any better, he was getting angry and upset when she didn’t want to sleep with him. He’d get angry and upset when she didn’t do the things that he wanted. And so, she’s adapted because she wants to avoid pissing him off and getting him upset because, quite frankly, she doesn’t want to deal with a butt hurt man baby or a man child.
And so, she does these things to pacify him, but not because she’s turned on and wants to be stuck to him like a sucker fish because he’s the man of her dreams. He’s acted like a butt hurt baby way too many times, and so he’s going to have some work to do. This is not something that’s going to get fixed in a couple of days; it’s going to take several weeks, several months of doing the right thing. Because he’s basically had the majority of the last year showing her through example that he’s mostly a butt hurt baby.
She was also questioning basically everything she did, because of the fear of making me upset. Because of that feeling, she was starting to lose interest. I just listened and made sure she felt understood. After a while, I suggested that she could come to me if she wanted physical contact, and that I was not going to touch/kiss/hug her unless she specifically asked me to…
I wouldn’t have said that, dude. yYou’re not a fucking robot. That was dumb.
…giving her the space and freedom she deserves. She agreed.
I mean, the reality is if you’re acting like what I talk about in my book, (and assuming your girl’s a normal woman and not a lunatic), she will be the one initiating all the touching, the kissing, and the hugging. She’ll be all over you. She’ll be wanting sex more than you do. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Women are designed to get their man’s attention.
Was this a bad idea?
Well, I wouldn’t have phrased it like that, but what’s done is done. You should have just behaved this way, and she would have done these things naturally, and given her the time and the space to come toward you. Just like I talk about when you’re on a first date with a girl in “3% Man,” as the evening progresses and you go to two or three different places, you notice she plays her the hair more, she gets closer to you, she leans in towards you, her knees pointed toward yours. She may be sitting next to you and her knees are bumping yours, or you’re walking down the street and she’s bumping into you. These are the subtle signs that she likes you, she feels safe with you, and it’s like her subtle invitation that, “Hey, you can touch me,” and you slowly reciprocate and escalate. And if you encounter a little resistance, then you just slow down, you back off a little bit.
My thought was to change the dynamic in our relationship from me being a needy chaser to her chasing me.
Well, you don’t make that happen by telling her to do that or telling her, “I’m never going to touch or kiss you again unless you do it first.” But what’s done is done.
I guess, as long as I stay in my masculine, she will want me to touch her again.
Yeah. But ideally, you’re going to. Because the reality is, when she’s in love and she’s happy, she’s going to be touching you all the time. She’s going to have her hands all over you, running her hand down your back, touching you, bumping into you. They’re just always in contact with you when they’re happy and they feel loved and in love. They’re only distant when they don’t feel heard and understood and they feel like there’s distance between the two of you.
I’m not going to lie, it makes me uncomfortable thinking that she almost sees me as a creep when she should see me as her mountain.
Well, it’s not that she sees you as a creep, it’s just that you’ve behaved like a butt hurt baby so many times and you’ve done so many effeminate, unmasculine things. It’s like, you’re kind of like a jack-in-the-box. She doesn’t know what version of you is going to show up on any one given day. And so, that that doesn’t make her feel safe. It’s like, “Oh, look at the cute little doggy!” And you’re growling, or you bite her, you know.
And then some days, “Oh, look at the cute dog!” And his ears perk up and he wants to be licked and touched. Some days the dog’s in a good mood, some days the dog’s in a bad mood. And that’s, so you’re like you’re like a jack-in-the-box. And so, it’s going to take time and repetition of you demonstrating consistently what’s in the book and not going back to the way you were. Because as soon as you blow up at her and the jack-in-the-box comes back, it’s going to scare her again and she’s going to back away. So, you’re going to have to exercise self-control.
The next morning, she actually gave me a massage, (she never does that). She also kissed me goodbye. I guess those are good signs.
Yeah, because you talked to her, and you opened her up, and you weren’t butt hurt, you weren’t angry, you weren’t mad, you weren’t demanding, you weren’t complaining that she wasn’t kissing you or touching you. Because those are the kind of things that an incel complains about — “Nobody loves me,” “Nobody cares about me,” “My girl doesn’t want to kiss me,” “She doesn’t want to have sex with me,” “Girls I go out with only want to be friends” — those are the kinds of things and that’s the kind of vibe that the incel gives off. And that’s why, as a man, you should never complain about these things. You should just recognize that if she’s not doing them, she’s just become less attracted.
But now I’m wondering, what if I stay in my masculine but fuck up one time in the future. Will she get back to seeing me as a needy, creepy, insecure little boy again?
Her attraction will drop.
Can this turn around? What are your thoughts?
It’s like, well, it’s already turned around. This sounds like you said over the last several weeks since you started following what’s in my book, things have gotten better. You’ve got to remember, it took time for her to fall in love, it took time for her to fall out of love, and it will take time for her to fall back in love. Probably, because you’re still learning this. And I don’t know how much or how often you’re reading the book or immersing yourself in it, but the quicker you learn this, the better you’re going to get at it.
I would recommend that you have like a physical or a digital copy of “3% Man,” and then have the audiobook playing in the background as you follow along with the words, and put it on 2x speed. And then, you can get through the whole book in about three and a half hours. And because you’re listening to it as you’re reading it, this is the way to force your brain to completely focus on the material, and you’ll absorb it a lot better, versus just listening to the book a bunch of times when you’re driving in your car, or you’re at the gym working out, or listening to it on your Sonos speaker system in your house as you’re doing chores around the house.
You want to be able to really focus on it to commit this stuff to memory. So, it’s going to take time and repetition and you exercising emotional self-control. If you notice she’s different, “Hey, babe, how was your day? What’s going on? You seem a little distant. Is something bothering you? You got anything you want to talk about? What’s going on? What’s in your heart, babe? Talk to your sexy man. Tell him what’s going on.”
The other thing is you should be dating and courting her properly and romancing her. Not just hanging out at home and being roommates, but you should still go out at least once a week and do something for fun together that you plan, so romance can happen — going to dinner, or going to a jazz club, or a wine bar and having a couple of glasses of wine — and getting her to do 80–90% of the talking and just hearing about her day, her week, listening to her talk about what’s going on with her girlfriends or her coworkers or her family members or her parents, whatever it happens to be. And that’s what makes her feel close to you; that’s what makes her feel like you care for her.
If she feels like you care and you’re willing to take the time to listen so she feels heard and understood, the legs open and she gets very moist, which is what you want. And then, when she starts bumping into you and getting close to you or kissing you, you kiss her back, you slowly escalate. And eventually, at the end of the evening, you end up back at your place, seducing her slowly. And then you can wake up in the morning with morning wood and her naked in your arms, and then you can have morning sex.
It’s a process, so take your time. Don’t be in a rush. The worst thing you can do is get butt hurt, or angry, especially if you try to escalate things, and she stops. Remember the two steps forward, one step back. If you’re starting to seduce your girl and she puts up some resistance, she’s not open to you completely, it just means slow down, you’re going a little bit too fast. Take more time to talk and bond and connect, and listen to her and open her up. And then, a little while later, see if you can get a little further.
The idea, the whole purpose of seduction, as I talk about in “3% Man,” is to get closer and closer to her until you end up inside of her. And so, when there’s resistance, again, it means she doesn’t feel heard and understood. But if she feels heard and understood, just like you noticed when you took the time to talk in bed, she warmed up to you, and the next day, she gave you a massage that you weren’t even asking for.
That’s how this works. She felt like you cared. She saw a different side of you — she saw the good side of you, the side of you that she really likes — and that’s why she was affectionate towards you. And she did it because she wanted to; not because you asked for it or because you complained about it, but she did it because she wanted to give back to you to show that she cared for you. You guys live together, you absolutely can turn this around, but it’s going to depend upon you exercising emotional self-control and being infinitely patient with her.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.