What you can do to prevent being ghosted while dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently found my work after getting ghosted by a girl he had just started dating. He did well out of the gate, but as soon as he became overly invested in her, he started displaying a lot of weak and unattractive behavior. Due to his fear of losing her, he tried too hard, texted way too much and chased her right out of his life.
He hasn’t heard from her in a while, and he is wondering what the chances are that she comes back and how to handle things if she does. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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The idea is to learn from these mistakes that guys make. He’s new in my work, so he wasn’t familiar with How To Be A 3% Man. You can’t fault him for that, because him getting ghosted is is what led him to find me. The idea is we want to learn from these emails so when you’re in a similar situation you think back to that guy, what he did to screw it up, especially if you feel inclined to do or display some of the same unattractive behaviors that he did, so you can avoid it.
I’ve recently gotten into your content and teachings, but wish I had come across it sooner.
I wish I had been able to learn this stuff in high school. It would have been nice. I could have had a lot more memories from that period in my life that were really amazing, but it is what it is. I live vicariously through you guys, especially the younger guys that are going through what I went through and have the benefit of my knowledge.
They tell me, “Hey, I got to date the prom queen or the captain of the cheerleaders,” or whatever it happens to be. And it’s like, my man! I love getting stories like that. It’s so nice to know that what I went through, what I missed out on when I was younger, there are lots of guys all over the world that ain’t missing out like I did, and that’s awesome. I think that’s great. That’s the whole reason why I do what I do.
I have since started your book, and plan to read through 10–15 times! I was dating a girl recently, where I became too invested too quickly and messed it up.
Haste makes waste, as the old saying goes.
Things were going well, she instigated contact by poking me on Facebook, to which I then messaged her and started texting.
Well, the phone is obviously used to set dates. I say that all the time, and occasionally I get these younger guys who go, “Oh, coach, you don’t understand women my age. We only text. We don’t do phone calls.” I’m like, “Really? Because I date women your age, and they love it when I call them.” Maybe if you manned up and actually called somebody, instead of having no conversational skills, like a lot of people who are always glued to their devices. I mean, if you just walk up in public and approach a woman, you’re ahead of most of the guys that are out there these days. Because everyone’s glued to their damn device. It’s like, they’re losing the ability to have conversations and interact with other human beings.
I was in the gym last week in my building. It was late at night. I think it was like 11:00. There were three young guys, all college aged dudes in there. They had the music blasting and all three of them were sitting on different machines, not talking to each other and scrolling through their phones at 11:30 at night. Instead of working out and hanging together and laughing and joking, all three of them are like zombies on their phones, not living and experiencing life.
Guys like myself, who have no problem meeting women in person, if you develop that skill, you’re really not going to have a lot of competition and women are going to be find you really refreshing when you do talk to them.
We would be texting throughout the day pretty frequently, which I now know is a mistake.
Yeah, you just talk too much and you talk her out of liking you. There’s no mystery. There’s nothing to discover. Most guys have seen the movies that are like, if you tell her all your flaws, and your faults, and your feelings, and how much you really, really super duper like her, she’ll like you back and you live happily ever after.
The geek that wrote that screenplay has no idea, and he’s brainwashing millions of children all around the world. And when they grow up, they’re not going to know any better. They’re going to think that shit’s legit, because they had nobody in their home to teach them the right way to do these things either.
We eventually organized a date, which we both mutually organized. She came to mine, I made her dinner, and she stayed the night.
So far, so good.
A week after the first date, I wanted to see her again, so I would suggest a date. We also spoke about seeing each other again the morning after she stayed over. I knew her interest in me was high, but my interest was also increasing, so we began to speak all the time throughout the day.
Yeah, the real reason why you’re talking to her throughout the day is because you’re worried that you’re going to lose her interest. So, you figure if you talk a lot, she’ll like you even more. Because you’re afraid that if you’re busy, you might miss out, and she might find another guy and run off with him.
This is where I believe it started to go wrong. I became over invested. I asked about seeing her again, but she was busy for the next few weeks.
What that means is her interest is already plummeting. And so, if she tells you something like that when you try to set a date, you say, “Alright. Well, when your schedule frees up, get in touch with me and we’ll plan something then.” And you don’t ever reach out to her at all. But you keep pursuing and you keep pursuing, and her feelings go from romantic attraction to friendship. And if you keep doing it, then you move into a creepy, weird stalker.
I asked again after a night out for her to come over. I knew at this point I had to leave it with her to organize when we see each other again. During this period, I also asked her over text one day what she was looking for, to which she replied she did not want anything serious…
Remember, all the movies say you’ve got to lock a girl down or somebody else is going to steal her.
…and enjoyed getting to know me and being chill.
So what she’s basically communicating, it’s not that she’s not looking for anything serious. She doesn’t want to say that she’s looking for anything serious, because when she does, she knows that he and probably 99% of the other guys she encounters are going to start treating her like a girlfriend, when she’s still trying to get to know the guy and determine whether or not he’s good for.
I responded saying that was fine and that I’d like to know if my efforts are going to bear fruit or not…
So you want to guarantee. Especially with women, there’s no guarantees, bro.
…as I felt I was investing a lot of energy into this girl.
So, you basically communicated with that statement, “I can’t handle it. I’m going to lose my shit if I don’t know that you really, really, super duper like me back.” That communicates that you are extremely perturbable. You are extremely easy to un-center and upset. And when a woman senses that, that’s when things get squirrelly and she starts disappearing, taking longer to return your texts, or your phone calls, or your messages, or reply to your Snapchts or what have you.
And the average guy that doesn’t know any better, they think, “Oh, I’m not doing enough to let her know I like her. Let me try more. Let me contact her more, and call her more, and tell her how much I really, really super duper extra like her.”
For context, her ex-boyfriend walked out on her during the last year, and I was the first guy she spoke to since being single for the best part of a year.
Sounds like she took time to heal and get back to enjoying her life, being a single woman, which is good. That’s a good, healthy sign, instead of somebody that breaks up with their boyfriend, and the next week they’re dating somebody else.
Once she told me this, I then backed off. I began to remove my interest and effort levels and let her do some of the chasing.
Well it’s always better if the guy never does more than 20–30%. Any time it’s more than that, eventually, he chases her out of his life to the point where she loses interest or he gets ghosted.
We still spoke every day but much less frequently, and I always gave her opportunity to miss me.
Well, if you’re speaking every day, you’re really not giving her the opportunity to miss you. You just slowed down a little bit, but you’re still way over pursuing. And so, what happened is, probably at that point, when he found my work and started to follow it or was watching some videos, he started backing off. But he’s bullshitting himself into believing that he’s backed off enough or more than he really has. But yet the reality is, he’s still way over pursuing her.
Operating that way helps soothe the ego, because the ego doesn’t want to admit that you fucked up, that you made a mistake. And so, if you can make some modifications and not take any ownership for turning her off, then it justifies continuing still to over pursue, not as much as you were before, but you’re still over pursuing. And when you’re pursuing, it’s not her idea to get together, and you’re begging for her attention and validation, instead of the other way around.
Subsequently, a couple of weeks later she organizes another date to come over, have drinks and stay the night — all good here.
So, you see that you backed off and you let her be, not completely, it took several weeks, but the bottom line is she brought up getting together.
However, whilst I was playing it cool, I secretly was still invested but did not want to come across as needy. One day, I was scrolling though social media, where I came across someone she followed. I did not know the person but went to view their profile and view their story innocently.
Sure, totally innocent, totally believable.
Later that night, she messages me saying she found it weird I did that and accused me of going through her follows list, implying I was some kind of stalker.
Well, if it was me and she’s like, “Oh, hey, you saw this person’s story,” I’d be like, “Who? What person? Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Well, you watched one of their stories.” It’s like, “Honestly, I watch a lot of stories. I see them on my feed all the time. Who is this person? I could have. Maybe I clicked on them or somebody else. Should I be following them? Are they a good follow?” Change the subject like that.
But when you get backed into a corner, “Oh, I didn’t do anything wrong. No, I wasn’t stalking,” then she knows you’re diminished because you’re butt hurt. You’re rationalizing. Whereas, if you’re like, “I don’t know. I don’t know who you’re talking about. I watch other stories. I was watching a bunch of them the other day. People I didn’t know, I was just scrolling through them. Is that somebody you know? Oh. Well, are they cool? Should I follow them? Is she a cute girl? Should I ask her out? Would you be jealous if I did?”
I stood my ground, and made it clear this was not the case and that it popped up on my feed.
So, you definitely went into it justifying and rationalizing, instead of being humorous and playful and being like, “Well, I don’t really know what you’re talking about. Who? Who’s that? What was that person’s name? How do you know them?” Start asking questions. Remember, whoever is asking the questions is the one that’s running the conversation, always. And if you take back control of the conversation by being the one asking the questions, then you can lead it wherever you want.
I don’t think she believed me, as she then proceeded to ghost me and I have not heard from her since.
Well, your explanation and rationalization was B.S. Instead of being playful and humorous like I was describing, you got backed into a corner and basically admitted that you were stalking her. And she didn’t like that, because obviously she’s had enough guys do that to her over the years that she knows the vibe and she knows what you were doing. And what you communicated is, “Yeah, I am stalking you,” and therefore you get rejected. It’s a bad way to go, my man.
That’s why you should be indifferent and unperturbable, because if you didn’t do anything wrong, you’re going to think it’s funny and it’s humorous. “Are you getting jealous of these random people that I clicked on? I don’t know. Who is that girl again? Maybe I should follow her. Maybe she’s the perfect girl for me. Hey, can you introduce me? Are you saying you want to introduce me to her? Are you saying you like this girl? Are you thinking about a threesome potentially? Why are you bringing her up?”
Part of me wanted to contact her and explain my side.
Nope, nope, nope. You don’t do that, dude. Don’t explain anything. Men don’t explain anything.
But I knew that would be counter-productive, as I would come across as needy.
No, it would come across as you’re guilty. But you already communicated that you were guilty, and that’s why you haven’t heard from her.
She has taken this small situation and used it as an excuse to stop talking entirely.
It’s not just this small situation. It was a series of small situations like this, where you revealed that you just couldn’t handle it. Most guys cannot handle being with a beautiful woman. They just lose their shit and start acting like a little beta male who’s not worthy. And therefore the women go, “Yeah, you’re right, you’re not worthy,” and you get ghosted.
I have stood firm, tried to apply the no contact rule.
“Tried” to apply the no contact rule? Try not. Either do, or do not. She ghosted you. You don’t keep chasing somebody who ghosted you, because that makes you look guilty, needy and desperate.
But I believe she is now dating another guy.
She was probably dating you and several other dudes and seeing where it led. She knows where you stand. She knows you really like her. She can have you any time. All she’s got to do is pick up the phone, send you a message, and you’ll probably be on her front doorstep in ten minutes.
I know I should move on and my self-worth, however I still feel like there is unfinished business with this girl.
Well, you will be finishing any business with her if you keep pursuing her.
Just the day before she ghosted me, she spoke about going on further dinner dates and how much she liked me. Was I right to play this out as I did?
Well, your mistake was justifying and rationalizing and allowing yourself to keep the big giant stick jammed up your butt, instead of being playful and fun. Because love is playful and fun, it’s not serious. And that’s why women try to intimidate you. They want to see what you’re made of. And she tried to intimidate you with this Instagram thing. So obviously, whoever this other person was told her, “Hey, this guy, do you know him?” Or, “This was the guy you told me you were seeing, and he just looked at one of my stories.”
Probably what really happened, if it was another chick, she’s thinking, “Aren’t you dating this guy? Why is he looking at my Snapchat?” She might have gotten a little jealous and wondering “Why is he looking at my friend’s Snapchat?” And so, the way you handled it is you made it look like you were guilty of something, versus “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who’s that girl? Should I follow her? Is she cool? Do you think I should ask her out? Would you get jealous if I did?”
Do you also think there is any chance she contacts me down the line?
Not if you keep pursuing her. I would not do anything, I would walk away and never look back, because she accused you of something that you’re at least trying to portray that you didn’t do, which obviously, you’re guilty. You’re guilty, bro. And you gave away that you’re guilty. So, you fucked up. It happens. That’s how you learn. Don’t do it again.
I have tried to remain focused on my purpose, keeping busy with the gym and my career. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Keep up the great content Coach, and thanks again.
Well, that’s why I would do if I were you. I would wait to hear from her. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. And let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on, because if she really likes you, she’ll be back.
Because a couple weeks go by, you start having fun, and she hears about you on dates with other girls and you’re not talking about her, you haven’t brought her up to anybody. And if you do have mutual friends they’re like, “Hey, whatever happened to so-and-so?” It’s like, “Oh, she’s a cool chick. We went out a couple of times. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what she’s up to, but I hope she’s well. She’s a cool chick.”
“Well, why don’t you give her a call?” “Well, my dance card’s a little full right now. I met a couple other girls, and we really seem to click. So, I mean, I liked her, but these new girls I met, it kind of feels like we click a little better, so I’m going to see where that goes. And who knows, maybe sometime in the future she and I will revisit each other. But right now, I’m kind of busy. I don’t have any additional time.” That’s how I would handle that.
So, if you have a question or a challenge that you’re having in your personal or professional life, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Women troll and test men to see if they are easily perturbable to determine if they are confident and worthy enough to give their romantic attention to. Women fear men who have no game, no sensory acuity, no self-awareness and who act needy and desperate. Why? These are the type guys that don’t react too well to being rejected and try to force things like a creepy stalker when they don’t easily get their way. Indifference is the difference that makes the difference. If you are indifferent, unperturbable and not diminished by a woman’s tests of your strength, she will put herself into your orbit so you can lead her to romantic bliss.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne