Why you should get to a happy place first to enjoy your time alone in order to cure loneliness.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been studying my work for about a year and is on his sixth read of How To Be A 3% Man. He is fearful that he will have to wait several years in order to get to a happy place so the right person manifests into his life effortlessly.
Since attraction is contingent on becoming the right person or becoming the kind of person you want to attract, you must do the work on yourself first to become happy, instead of hoping or believing that you will become happy once you find the right person. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This brings up a really great point if you’re looking to be in a relationship. You’ve got to get to a place where you’re happy being by yourself first, versus saying, “Okay, when I get the perfect person in my life, or the perfect job, or get that dream car I’ve always wanted, or dream house,” or whatever it happens to be, “then I’m going to be happy.”
The reality is, living that way, happiness becomes a moving target and it becomes dependent on a certain set of circumstances. And so, you literally create a story that you tell yourself, “I’m not happy right now, and I can’t be happy until I have this thing, or this person, or this career, or this job, or that promotion, or that body, or I live in a certain city, or have a certain amount of money in the bank.”
You have to focus on getting to a place where you can enjoy where you are and enjoy your journey. Because if you’re not happy being by yourself, you’re not going to be really good company for somebody else, especially once you realize, when you spend enough time with them, that other person can’t make you happy. You make you happy.
A lot of us, and I know especially when I was younger, spend time with people who don’t really reciprocate. And part of that is because of the story that we’re telling ourselves internally that we don’t deserve to have the kind of friends we want, the kind of work associates, business partners, type of women in our life, type of social circle, whatever it happens to be. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We literally feel normal associating with people who make us, in essence, feel abnormal because we have an abnormal or not healthy perception of ourselves that we’ve developed along the way because of something that has happened in our lives.
In other words, we gave meaning and power to things that really we shouldn’t have, and most of us are unaware that these things are kind of running around in our heads, like little tapes that keep playing negative messages. And the key is to become aware of it and how it influences our self-talk, and most importantly our actions. Because how we show up is what we’re going to attract.
You attract how you act. If you believe you’re worthy, you love yourself, you love your time alone, you enjoy your company, you’re going to attract other people who enjoy your company. If you don’t enjoy your own company, you’re going to attract people who don’t enjoy your company as well. It literally becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it’s natural with your own self-perception. And we behave consistently with how we perceive ourselves to be. It doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not.
I’ve been a loyal listener for a year, and I am in the middle of the 6th reading of your book, How To Be A 3% Man.
Well, if you’ve only been following me for a year and you’re only on read six, that tells me that you could be doing much better. You should be through the book at least 10 to 15 times. The great students that have really great success stories, that’s what they do. You’re kind of making the minimal kind of effort, so you’ve got to step that up, because you’ve got to learn the fundamentals. You’ve got to learn the book backwards and forwards, to the point where you don’t have to think about it anymore, to where it just becomes part of you. It’s instinctual.
You described in a recent video newsletter that when you improve your emotional, mental and physical health, the right person will manifest themselves into your life.
Some of the interviews I’ve done with Dominic and Ashley, we talked a lot about that, about how it’s really not so much attracting the right person, but becoming the right person. When you become the right person, the right person is naturally going to be attracted to you, because like attracts like.
So, you’ve got to become what you want to attract. You have to do the work on yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically, so you will resonate with that person when they come along, and then you’ll fit together like a glove. But if you’re not there yet, you’ll repulse each other because you’d be vibrating in a different place.
I was wondering if we are destined to be single until we get to that stage in life? Especially given that it may take years to get to that place.
Well, part of the problem is you don’t like being single, and you have to get to the place where you love being single. Because the reality is most people, when they get into a relationship, they’re not really looking for it. The women that I wrote about, those love stories, I was open to it, I was excited for the possibility, but I was enjoying the hell out of my single life and having fun. And as a side effect of having fun and enjoying my life and spending it with lots of like minded people, when I met these different women, we just naturally fit together like a glove. We had the same goals, the same values, we were in the same place, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
You know, these things didn’t happen right after I got divorced. It was several years of working on myself, going through the process of actually getting the divorce and getting that behind me, and selling the house that I had with my ex-wife, paying off some debt that I had accumulated. These things take time. You know, it took several years.
When I look at when I left when I was twenty-seven to when I finally got to experience the kind of relationship I really wanted, it was almost five years after that. And so, there were a lot of dates, a lot of hanging out, a lot of trying to pick up women after I got divorced. And, you know, I spent probably six to eight months without dating anybody after we split up, just because I wanted to enjoy my time alone, so I could work on myself, work on my business, and I had a fucking absolute blast. Some of the best times in my life was when I was newly single after I was divorced, and I was just having great fun with my friends.
But after I’d spent enough time alone and kind of re-establishing myself, then I got back into the dating world, and it was really just as a side effect. Especially if you’re looking for a relationship, when you get to a really balanced place where you love your life, you’re doing well financially, your career is going well, your business is going well, you’ve got great friends, you’ve got great family, you’ve got a great social life, when you meet somebody, they just kind of fit right in.
It’s like you create that kind of a space. Life fills voids, and so you have to create a void in your life, in other words, a space in your life for the right person to come in. Because if you’re not happy with where you’re at right now, you’re not really creating a happy space for another happy person to come and fit into your life, because like attracts like.
So, if you’re unhappy right now and you want to attract a happy person, if they’re happy and you’re not happy, you’re going to repel each other. Because on some level, you’ll be taking from them energetically. You’ll be looking to them to make you happy, instead of getting to a happy place first and then sharing your completeness.
I am 27 years old, and although I’ve dated a bunch of women in my life, I’ve rarely found someone who excites me enough to get into a relationship with, and when I did, I ruined it by being needy and desperate.
Yeah, because you were looking to that person to make you happy. You felt that if you possess them, if you got them or convince them to be with you, that you would ultimately be happy, instead of being somebody who was already content and happy and you just had excess to give. Because you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself.
So, if you’re not already happy, if your cup is not already running over with happiness, you’re going to feel like you’re in a deficit. So, when you get around somebody and you want to give to them, you don’t feel like you have enough to give, because you haven’t given to yourself. You can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself.
When you have abundance in all areas, and that includes energetically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, it’s easy to give away and not feel drained. It actually invigorates you and gives you more energy to give even more. That’s why it’s so important to get to a happy place first.
I am way better than what I used to be since I’ve found your work. I really just want a great monogamous relationship since I’ve gotten through the phase of only wanting casual sex.
Well, become the kind of guy who really loves being alone, and then you’re going to be easy to be with. If you’re lonely and you’re looking to someone to cure your loneliness, that’s where the neediness and a desperation comes from that’s ruined it in the past, because you were desperate for somebody to make you happy.
I have a lot to offer to someone. I am well read, well-traveled, have a promising career and am in decent shape, working towards getting even better. I go to therapy and I have recognized that I have certain self-limiting beliefs and self-fulfilling prophecies that might be blocking my romantic life. Do you have any advice on how to get past that resistance, so that I can enjoy the life I deserve?
Focus on trying to enjoy your life where you’re at right now. Get to a happy place where when the weekends come around, you’re out having fun and you’re having a good time doing things that make you smile and make you laugh. That makes you approachable. That causes you to give off a vibe of fun.
Because whatever you make a woman feel when she’s around you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And if you’re grumpy and unhappy, she’s going to feel that too, and she’s going to be repulsed and not want to be around you. But if you’re already happy and you’re having a great time, you can contribute not only to your own happiness, but to her happiness, and vice versa. She’ll contribute to yours.
You literally multiply each other. But if one of you is in deficit, you’re an energy vampire, you’re taking from them. So, get to the place where you’re abundant. Instead of worrying about when you’re going to get a relationship, be the kind of guy that just lights people up. Beauty needs a witness, after all.
Go out and have fun and notice the beauty that you see in your world without expecting phone numbers, or dates, or sex, or anything. Just go out and give for the sheer joy of giving, complimenting for the sheer joy of complimenting, without expecting to get a “no” or even asking for a number. Do that for thirty days. Just go and light people up. Random people that you see, compliment them on what you like about them.
How did you break that pattern of negative self-fulfilling prophecies with respect to doing the mind work? I appreciate all your work and advice. You are the GOAT!
Really, repetition is of mother skill, getting to a happy place. Like I said, after I got divorced, I was really glad to be on my own again and really glad and excited about what the future held, so I was optimistic. I was always kind of looking to see what was going to come over that horizon or what was over just over that next hill I was on my way of climbing. So, I had positive expectation that good things were coming.
And so, because I expected it and I was having fun, enjoying the journey and creating my life and my lifestyle, I had a lot of like minded people and we were always out having a good time together. When you go out, and you’re constantly having good times with four or five people, you meet the other guys you become friends with, and women are naturally drawn to your group as well.
Guys would, as part of the group, have girlfriends, or women they were dating, or wives, and they always had female friends. And so, there were always people around. There was always a good time. You just have to work on creating a great social life for yourself, not because you’re looking to get anything, but you’re just looking to contribute to your social circle. You’re looking to contribute to everybody having a good time, everybody laughing, everybody feeling good.
Because, wherever you go, if you make people feel good, people are always going to remember how you make them feel, and not necessarily what you said. And if wherever you go, you’re the life of the party, you make people laugh, people want to hear your stories, that’s what you need to do first. And then finding a great girl will just be a side effect of that, because she’ll love the way that you make her feel. And on top of that, she’s already naturally going to be attracted to you anyway, because, like “How To Be A 3% Man” talks about, attraction is not a choice.
So again, you’ve got to become what you want to attract. Instead of trying to find the right person, you become the right person. And when you become the right person, somebody that vibrates on that level is just going to naturally come into your life easily and effortlessly. It’s just a fact of life. It’s the way the world works. Again, you’ve got to get to a happy place first, and then you can share your happiness with somebody else who’s also happy.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you like to get my help, go and UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Like attracts like. You must become what you want to attract. Endeavor to get to a happy place in your life first where you love and enjoy your time alone so you can enjoy your own company. If you can have a great time by yourself, you will always be a blessing and bring happiness to others. Love is giving for the gift of giving from your heart. Love is allowing others to be who they really are and come and go as they please. Love is an act, giving to and serving others unconditionally that appreciate, value, want and love what you have to offer. When you learn to love your own company, you’ll no longer give your time away to people who take it for granted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne