How to get out of the friend-zone, determine why your romance isn’t progressing and get women to give you want you want.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just found me a week ago on YouTube and has just started reading my book. Obviously, he’s new and doesn’t understand what I teach yet, but it’s a great email that illustrates what happens to cause a woman’s attraction level to drop, and how so many guys talk women right out of liking them without knowing what they’re doing wrong.
He shares a lot of their back and forth conversation and what they said to each other, so there’s a lot of mistakes in his mindset and what he says that are obviously turning her off every time they interact and text. She put him in friend-zone, but is still reaching out to him. He doesn’t know what to do to turn things around. It’s a great email to learn from on what not to do and how to avoid being friend-zoned by a woman you really like. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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She’s 33 , I’m 39. Just came across your stuff about a week ago on YouTube and also bought your book, (still listening to it). I’ll try to keep this short and sweet.
I’ve known her about 2 months. We started hanging out a few times a week off the bat. All was well. She would text me to make plans, I would do the same. She was very available.
So you started out with a woman who initially had a high attraction level.
Tells me she likes me and the things we do. A lot of flirting and was able to kiss her once.
Does that sound like a guy who’s used to women kissing him and wanting to kiss him? Or is that a guy who’s kind of treating her a little bit like a celebrity, like this was a big deal? You’re 39 years old, but better late than never. Your path is your path. You should not feel ashamed or worry about people who are judgemental in any way, shape or form. The goal is to try and get a little better each and every day.
After that, as weird as it sounds, she’ll let me kiss her, just won’t kiss back.
That sounds to me like you’re kissing a woman when she’s not ready to be kissed. You definitely need to read How To Be A 3% Man because I go through the seduction process and when a woman is ready to be kissed. The things you’re going to look for is, is she playing with her hair, is she leaning in close, is her knee bumping yours, is she close to you, does she look at your lips? You’ve only been following me for a week, so I can’t break your balls. But the point being, you have no sensory acuity. You have no idea when she’s ready for it, and when she’s not. And obviously, reading the book will fill in those gaps for you.
A few weeks of that, then she comes over one weekend and decides to spend the night. (I regret not going in hard.)
Well, seduction is a process. It’s all about making her feel safe and comfortable. When a woman feels safe and comfortable, she’s already attracted to you, and you’re not doing things out of sequence, she slowly lets go, slowly submits to you, and lets you have your way with her. It’s a process, two steps forward, one step back. And I explain that in depth in the book.
We spoke about how we felt.
So now you’re talking about feelings. The reality is a woman doesn’t really give a damn about how much you like her or what you feel about her. The only thing she really cares about is how she feels about you. But when you watch the typical movies and TV shows, you usually see the guy just vomit up all his feelings and the woman is so flattered. There’s a time and a place for it. Obviously, you’re thinking you’re going to reveal how you feel because that’s going to make her like you more, and it just doesn’t have that effect. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
She basically said she really likes me, being with me, etc., and getting to know me still. She made it clear she is available emotionally and not closing that door.
In your mind, I can tell you’re focused on the relationship and locking her down, like time is going to expire on this. You’re thinking you’ve got to make this happen or some other dude is going to take her away from you.
We spoon, I feel up her ass and tits, but I didn’t pursue more. (I know I f’d up there.)
Well, it sounds like you don’t really know if she’s open to it or not. You need to slow down.
She changes behavior the following day, for a good 2 and a half weeks, and I don’t even see her during this time.
You sound frustrated and pissed of that it’s not going the way you want. Now you’re getting impatient. I talk about James Bond a lot. What would James Bond do? He always thinks from the end. He’s in no rush. Like Rumi said, “Take time like the river that never grows stale. Keep going and steady. No hurry, no rush.” You’re going to get there, so what’s the rush? When you’re impatient, you’re communicating that this never happens to you, you’re frustrated, and it’s going to turn out in failure like all the other women in the past have. And women are going to feel that. Obviously she’s feeling that, and that’s why she’s backing off.
I felt her being distant, wasn’t making plans, etc. I asked no questions until I was able to see her.
You’re like, “I’m going to confront her. What’s going on?” You can tell she was really into you at first, and now she’s like, ehh. At 33-years old, she’s been out with and talked to enough guys that she knows how this always ends.
Finally, we saw each other. We spoke. I asked if everything was cool, if she was okay, because I noticed she’s been distant.
The reason she’s distant is because you’re turning her off. It’s obvious that you don’t understand attraction, the process of seduction, what makes a woman attracted to you and what turns her off. But that’s why you read the book. The good news is you’re here and you’re learning.
She says she hasn’t been herself lately, and she’s just been out of her element.
The reality is, she just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. She’s not going to come right out and say you’re kind of pushy and impatient and it’s obvious you don’t really know what you’re doing with a woman you like.
She would hug me while we walked and say it wasn’t anything I did or said.
What she’s pretty much saying is it was pretty much everything you did and said. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and she doesn’t want any fucking drama.
But she’s glad I didn’t jump to conclusions, because it can be misinterpreted. During this conversation, I make it clear as I’ve made before, I enjoy seeing her and spending time with her. Then she asked me if I would change if she only offered me a friendship.
She’s thinking, this guy doesn’t get it, he’s kind of clueless, so let me just stick him in friendzone, and I won’t have to deal with any drama.
I said, hell yeah I’d change. She asked me in what way. I replied, well I’m not going to be trying to see you, inviting you on dates, being attentive, etc. So now, I assume I was placed in friend zone. I take her home, things were awkward, and I was like fuck this.
I would have just calmly said, “You’re a cool girl and I like hanging out with you, but I’m not interested in being friends only.”
I discover you Corey. So boom, I don’t even text her anymore. The following day she texts me in the evening. I just let it sit a few hours and simply said “Hi” back to her.
I would have said, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. Why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and come on over.”
She asked, how was my day. I said fine thank you. She said, oh okay. That was that.
She could tell you were butt hurt and getting upset. But she reached out, so at that moment and time, there was still some interest there. And as my book says, if she’s reaching out, you should assume she wants to see you.
The day after that, she texts me again in the evening. She says hi, I said hi, then she just comes out and asks why am I so serious and only responding very short. It kind of pissed me off, because wtf.
You’re not going to get anywhere by being butt hurt and upset with her. Always assume it’s fun and playful, not a big deal. You should have just invited her over, but instead you reacted like, screw you!
She hasn’t been like she used to be.
That’s because her attraction level has dropped. There’s a chapter in my book How To Be A 3% Man, “It’s All In The Numbers,” that has an attraction table, if you will, that shows you at each attraction level the kinds of things she’s going to do. The bottom line is, her attraction is going down instead of up.
So, I told her well, what am I supposed to do. You don’t want to hang out or have time for me.
You’re expressing “butt hurt.” You’re expressing you have no emotional self-control and you’re upset. That’s not going to make her feel safe and comfortable. These are the kinds of things the stalker, the abusive boyfriend and the lunatic says, and that’s why it scares her. It turns women off.
I’m not going to sit here waiting for you to decide when to hang out. Then she says, what do you mean. I already explained it to you. So, I said look, I hang out with you because I like you and enjoy your company. I’m here sharing parts of my life with you for you to be a part of it, and if that’s not what you want, then there’s nothing for us to do. She says, I never said I didn’t want to see you, blah, blah. So, I said fine. I’ll make it easy for you. How about you just let me know when you want to see me and that’s it. There won’t be any confusions. She said okay. I told her I was happy where we were before, hanging out, etc., and on a good path for things to happen.
For a relationship obviously. She’s even telling you, “Why are you so serious?” Love is playful and fun, doesn’t get offended, doesn’t get butt hurt, take it or leave it. You want to be with somebody who really wants to be with you. And if somebody doesn’t want to be with you, hey, that’s okay. Maybe they’ll change their mind in a few weeks or a month or so. The right girl is going to be excited and happy to have you, and the wrong one won’t. Don’t take it fucking personally. You want somebody who is mutually going to choose you, and this girl is trying, but you keep blowing it up every time she interacts with you.
She said she wanted to do the same, then she said okay let’s do it then. So I agreed. And here I am. My question is, how much time do I give her to shape up or ship out?
Your job as a man in the courtship is to simply create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and to hook up, not take shit so fucking personally like a guy with a stick jammed up his ass. Relax dude. If a woman reaches out to you, assume she wants to see you and make a date. If you’ve been out with her several times, and you’ve progressed things in the bedroom, and she’s texting you, assume she wants to see you and invite her over. Make a definite date with a definite time and plans to come over.
Like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the problem is you have to stop being so angry, butt hurt and pissed off, because you’re basically communicating with her every time you interact with her that you’re a fucking lunatic. And I’m sure you’re a great guy, you’re just impatient and you’re frustrated because the strategy that you’ve been employing at 39 years old is fucked. It does not work.
Remember, a woman is going to submit to you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically with her body as long as she feels safe and comfortable. But every time she interacts with you, she gets shocked with anger and hostility. But she’s still reaching out to you, so that’s a good sign.
Also, I need to progress, and get her to start kissing me.
The idea is, as I discuss in the book, when the signs are there, then you kiss her and she’ll be receptive to it, but it’s obvious you don’t know what to look for. That’s why I say, read the book 10–15 times, because you’re right in the middle of something here that you could potentially turn around if you chill the fuck out dude.
I will say she never has said no to me.
Well, it sounds like she’s turned you down for a number of dates.
I don’t understand her behavior. She made it clear she’s not seeing anyone else or anything. Can she be confused, unsure or not ready?
You just keep fucking it up. I mean, it’s your fault. This girl liked you, and you’re talking her out of liking you. You’re constantly shooting emotional barbs at her. Relax. Be happy that she reached out to you. Say, “It’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Grab some wine and come over.” Hang out, have fun and hook up. Forget about the relationship, forget about how it’s progressed. Just read the book. The information is in there on what you should and shouldn’t be doing to progress things. She’s making herself available to you, so you’ve still got a chance. So make the date.
“When a man is fearful and his mindset and self-perception suck, he will communicate with his words, actions and the tone of his voice that he’s not worthy and has no emotional self-control. When a man has no emotional self-control, this scares women away and ruins attraction, because they no longer feel safe and comfortable around him. The superior mindset is one of non-attachment and abundance that even if the woman you want doesn’t want you, then you are grateful for the opportunity to meet her, excited about the future and eventually finding a woman who reciprocates interest and effort. A man only needs to show up and extend his invitation for a romantic adventure and be okay with it being accepted or rejected. Displaying confidence is the act of risk taking, despite the potential for rejection and failure. You won’t get most women that you go after, but eventually you will get the right ones with enough time, effort and action.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne