How to decide if you should get married, have an open relationship or break up.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer whose fiancé is a big fan of my work. She says they dated for about a year before getting engaged and have been together for about two years now. He doesn’t feel like he can be monogamous long term and has had an open relationship in the past. The thought of him being with another woman turns her stomach. Every time she brings up their wedding, he keeps saying he is not ready.
She doesn’t want to break up to find someone else because she is content with him, but he obviously is not in the same place emotionally or mentally. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
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When it comes to marriage, me personally, I have no interest in getting married ever again for any reason. There’s just no reason to do it. That’s just my particular worldview. But people who are considering it, a big thing that they really need to consider first, especially men, is what happens if it doesn’t work out?
When I do coaching with people that are getting into business together — it’s like, the last thing on your wedding day you’re thinking is getting a divorce — and if you’re going into business with somebody, the last thing you’re thinking is what happens if it doesn’t work out and we want to go our separate ways? Because we’re going to be millionaires, of course, since we’re going into business together. That’s what everybody thinks.
But you always have to think, “What’s my downside risk?” in any personal or professional type of relationship. “What happens if things don’t turn out the way we expected? How do we disengage in a civil way with as little mudslinging as possible?” And the reality is there’s many states, many places in the West, where things are just completely slanted unfairly, and if it doesn’t work out, the guy tends to lose. The laws are slanted against him.
So, what do you do if maybe you’re a Christian guy, or maybe you’re a Muslim man, or maybe you’re just traditional, maybe you’re Jewish or whatever, and you want to get married? Me personally, if I ever did get married, I’d want it to only be a civil type of marriage without the government, because things get very complicated when you involve the government in your relationship. It makes it really hard to get out of and unpleasant. Especially if there’s kids involved, you don’t want to end up hating each other, because that’s going to affect the kids.
I’m emailing you because I’ve heard a lot about you from my fiancé and have seen quite a few of your videos. My fiancé is a big fan of yours and he has read your book multiple times and always likes to follow your guidelines. We have been together for two years now, one year dating and one year engaged.
There are some snags we have run into but have been communicating and working them out together and are working on finding a counselor for some deeper issues. The main thing we have been struggling with is that, even though we are engaged, he is adamant that he does not feel like he can maintain a monogamous relationship.
Okay, so I’m going to be brutally honest here. Dude, what the fuck were you thinking asking her to marry you if you’re not ready to get married? What the hell, dude? Seriously. You need a man the fuck up. That’s stupid. You don’t get engaged when you’re not 100% ready. That’s just stupid.
And I can’t call the kettle black, because if you’ve read “How To Be A 3% Man,” you know, I did something very similar when I was young and dumb and didn’t know any better. So, if this guy is an avid student of my work, why is he proposing marriage? Is it because it’s what he wanted to do, or did he feel pressured to do it or obligation for whatever reason?
Before we met, he was exclusively in open relationships, but I never really had a desire to be in one.
You have to be honest and look at this from the perspective of sharing the same goals and values. Does he share the same goals? Well, his values are, at least in his past, is open relationships and not being exclusive. So, that may be more in his nature, but obviously you want to get married. So, from a value perspective and a goal perspective, it doesn’t sound like you guys are aligned, and that is what it is.
You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. If you want to bake a nice cake, you’ve got to have the correct ingredients. If you have the incorrect ingredients, the cake is going to suck. If you have shitty grapes, the wine is going to suck.
I love him and want to get married and have a life together.
But what about him? Where is he at?
He feels like he is unable to commit to a monogamous marriage, and now every time the subject of our wedding comes up, he keeps bringing up how he doesn’t feel ready for it and doesn’t think it will work long-term.
So again, this is for your fiance. It’s like, dude, what the fuck were you thinking getting engaged? That’s not an honorable way to treat a woman. I mean, seriously, dude. That’s just pathetic. He calls himself an avid student. Well, he must be one of those dudes that sits in the back of the class, because if he was an avid student, he wouldn’t be doing stupid shit like this.
I know it probably hurts your feelings, but you know, this is directed at your fiance because it sounds like he fucked up here. And you’re enabling his behavior by continuing to go along with it. So, in other words, you’re suffering because he’s being a bitch of a man. Let’s be real.
I don’t want to lose him though.
Well, it doesn’t sound like he’s really yours. His heart’s not into it. You’re in love with the idea of who you want him to be, while ignoring the fact that he’s an open relationship type of guy. He’s a free spirit. Whatever the reason being, you’re trying to marry a guy who, just based on what you shared, doesn’t have the goals and values for it. And there’s nothing you can do about that. That is what it is.
It makes me sick to my stomach to even consider leaving to find someone who will be willing to marry me, even if it sometimes feels like it’d be the healthier option for me.
There you go. Deep down, you already know the solution. It would be healthy. Because your goals and values aren’t aligned. That’s not my fault or your fault. It’s just your fault for agreeing to it. The one thing you did was you said yes. And you ignored the fact his goals and values aren’t aligned with yours.
Maybe he got engaged just to please you, because he’s a pleaser, because he’s being weak. Maybe he’s not really strong enough to do what he really wants and go for what he really wants. I know I personally get a lot of shit from my lifestyle choices and the way I live, but I’m a free spirit and I don’t think like most people. And if I wasn’t the way I was, I would have never figured out the shit that’s in this book, and you wouldn’t be here writing these emails to me.
It also makes me sick to think of him having sex with another woman if I were to agree to have an open relationship.
You obviously don’t share the same values, and that’s okay. So, if that turns your stomach and you want nothing to do with it, don’t try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.
I feel like no matter what I choose I’ll be losing, and I can’t deal with the heartbreak.
Well, that’s also not a reason to stay in a relationship, because you’re afraid of heartbreak. The bottom line is you want what you want. The pain of the potential heartbreak is what causes most people to settle. “Oh my god, what if I don’t find anybody else? What if the next person is not as good as this person?” Well you’ve got to roll the dice. You’ve got to pursue your outcomes, and you want to get married. And therefore, you’ve got to be with a guy who shares the same goals and values, and he doesn’t.
I have no desire myself to be with anyone else and feel fully satisfied with him. He says he is also fully satisfied with me and loves me, but in my mind if that were true, he wouldn’t feel the need to have multiple women.
There you go. He’s being incongruent, because again, he’s a bitch. He’s being a bitch of a man, and you can tell him I said that. I’m sure he’s going to watch the video anyway. You’re being a fucking bitch, dude. You need a man the fuck up. Don’t take the stuff that I teach and put out there and abuse people. Don’t abuse women. Don’t lead them fucking on. There’s no integrity in that.
He would actually be happy to be married and committed to me.
Really? That’s not what he’s saying, and that’s also not what he’s doing. You have to look at the man’s actions, and the dude is not congruent. He’s shitting all over himself.
I don’t know if open relationships are really your forte, but I’m at a loss for how to make things work.
Well, you have to decide. Are you okay with your guy hooking up with, and sleeping with, and potentially knocking up another woman while he’s still sleeping with you and potentially knocking you up?
I can’t make that decision for you. He can’t either. You have to decide if you’re cool with it or not, to be in an open relationship with him. Or if you really want to get married, then go find somebody else to marry. You’re going to have to put your big girl pants on and figure that out yourself.
I really don’t want to date or marry anyone else; he has been so perfect for me in every way except for this monogamy issue.
Well, from what you shared, your values are monogamy, and his values are open relationship and being unattached. He’s not being congruent with who he is. He’s being a bitch. I was a bitch once, and I got over it. I changed. I got to a place in my life where I loved and accepted myself as I am, and I don’t care what other people think. I mean, at the end of the day, I’m fifty-one, I realized someday I’m going to die, and it doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die. Eventually, the Sun is going to go supernova and incinerate the Solar System, so it doesn’t matter anyway. You’re not going to save the planet long-term.
Any advice you have would be appreciated. Please help me.
Well, if it was me, and you’re 100% certain you want monogamy and marriage and that traditional kind of relationship, your “fiance” is not capable of that. His actions don’t reflect it. And I’m not happy, as I mentioned several times in this video, with how he’s showing up. He’s got to be congruent with who he is, and he’s not doing that.
But again, this is your choice. You have to figure it out. Are you cool with an open relationship? Are you cool him sleeping with and potentially knocking up other women? And also, quite frankly, if he’s going to sleep around, getting a disease and giving it to you? That’s reality.
The more partners you have, the more you raw dog it, the higher the likelihood is you’re going to get a gift that keeps on giving. Every single guy I know that has a high body count likes to raw dog it, and they always get something, eventually. And usually, they get several things. So, there’s always downside risk in everything. You’ve got to decide what you’re willing to tolerate, and not.
“The right reasons to get married are because both people are content with each other, share the same goals and values, don’t want anyone else because they are experienced and ready, get along easily and effortlessly and want to start a family together. The wrong reasons to get married are because of loneliness, locking the other person down to a commitment to feel better, settling due to impatience, peer pressure or unexpected pregnancy. Raising amazing kids is the result of strong masculine and feminine presence in the family to help them become balanced, happy, healthy, self-reliant and mature adults.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne