Did I Over Pursue To The Point Of No Return?
How to know if you over pursued a woman to the point of no return or if there is a chance for romance.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who asks if he over pursued a woman he was dating to the point of no return and has now ruined his chances with her. There was a trip she had invited him on when they first started dating. He decided he wanted to go after over pursuing, but now she says it’s too late to go despite the fact he’s willing to buy his own ticket and place to stay.
He can feel that she doesn’t want him to go, but now he wonders if he has completely ruined his chances with her. It’s a good email on the type of corrective action you can take after over pursuing a woman to the point of turning her off romantically. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
*Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, without any extra cost to you. Thank you for your support.
Well, this is a question that a lot of guys who first come to my work, they’re trying to figure this out. They started dating a girl. She was really into him, it seemed like. Things were going along great. You’re thinking, “Oh, this is going to be my future ex-wife, my future ex girlfriend. We’re going to live happily ever after together. Can’t wait to build that white picket fence in the front yard and have our dogs run around it.” Whatever. After all those fantasies are rolling around in the head and then all of a sudden she’s too busy to get together. She’s not sure. She’s confused. She needs some time to work on herself. You start hearing those kinds of things.
A lot of guys that come to me, they’re in this situation where the girl was really into him and now she’s kind of going cold and they’re like, “Man, did I just totally chase her away? Did I ruin all my chances with her?” So that’s what we’re going to discuss in this video newsletter, how do we take corrective action once you’ve over-pursued and how do you know if you’re totally out of the running and you’re out? Because as a man, it sucks to be wondering about this, especially when you really like a girl and your emotions are engaged. It’s really hard to disengage and do the right thing when your emotions have gotten the best of you.
Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach,
I started seeing this girl a few weeks ago after approaching her and her friend at a bar. We had conversation, danced a little bit, and had a good time before I left for another bar by myself. She texted me telling me she missed me (same night), so I took that as interest and set up a date.
Long story short, over the past 4 weeks we have seen each other eight times, and each time we’ve spent over 6 hours together. Of those 8 “dates,” just over half of them were all her ideas (asking me what I am doing, when I am free, etc). It’s clear to me that her attraction was at least a 9–10 on the scale…
Whoa dude, whoa! Time out! No, it was not. When it’s 9 to 10 as the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers will list, when it says 9 to 10, that means she’s in love with you and wanted to lock you down, wanting to be in a relationship. There’s no way that she was a 9 to a 10 and you’re writing me this email, and she’s professing I love you all the time? It’s like, come on dude.
This is why you got to read the book 10–15 times, because what’s really going on is your attraction was probably a 9 to 10 and you projected on her and just assumed that she felt the same way.
…And our chemistry together was amazing. Basically, she couldn’t get enough of me. She was constantly texting me but it was always flirty, sexual and fun. Most importantly, it always led to us setting up a time to see each other. We have been all the way. However, I had trouble getting it up the first few times, but I made sure to help her out.
Yeah well, you should probably read the article How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms so you eliminate that problem. This is part of being a man. You got to know how to choke the chicken properly and how to last even after you blow your wad so when you start having sex with a girl, it’s not terrible. If you got a girl whose interest isn’t that high to begin with, then on top of that you suck in bed? She’s going to blow you off. So you’ve got to get prepared, dude. As Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”
Again, check out the article, and it’s referenced in the book, How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms. If you do the exercises in there, which obviously you’ll enjoy, then when you get together with a woman in person, you will both enjoy the experience hopefully.
Everything suddenly changed on the 4th of July. We had hung out into the morning hours of the 4thfor 6 hours “watching a movie” (until 6AM), and then she asked me to see fireworks with her that evening to which I agreed. She surprised me by saying that her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend would be tagging along with us. I didn’t mind meeting them, and this seemed to indicate to me that she was getting serious about me.
No group dates until you are in a relationship. I would have just said, “Hey, I think it’s really cool you want me to meet your friends, but we just started dating and I’d really like to spend time with you.” Then if she’s insistent on doing that, just say, “All right well, it sounds like you’d rather go hang out with your friends, so why don’t you go do that and we’ll get together another night?” And do the takeaway on her, because if she’s not head over heels in love with you, and you get together with her friends and you drink too much or you say something stupid, now you’ve got her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend talking shit about you. It’s a bad way to go when you don’t apply what’s in the book.
We went to the show together, but something seemed off.
Well, the other thing you have to keep in mind is oftentimes women will invite blockers, cock blockers, clam slammers to your dates because their attraction is dropping. What it does, it puts other people in the way to prevent a seduction from happening. So this is another reason why you don’t agree to do group dates until you’re in a serious relationship.
On top of that, she’s not going to be as natural and flirty and slutty, if you will, when you guys are together and she’s got her friends there, because then she’s going to be worried about what the friends think. So she’s not totally comfortable with you yet and you’re not in a relationship and that’s why you shouldn’t be going on group dates.
She wasn’t as affectionate and was kind of quiet, however she did cuddle with me on our chair and kissed me goodbye. What was odd is that when I dropped her off, she said, “I have to go,” and just left whereas usually we’d hang out for hours.
So she’s backing off. I don’t know if this guy, well, he says he’s familiar with the attraction scale, so I can tell he doesn’t really know the book. This is why you read it 10–15 times. You cherry pick. You start overrating her interest, like he’s already saying, “Oh, it’s a 9 to 10 interest.” No it’s not, bro. No, it’s not. It was never there. You’re delusional. You’re projecting your high interest onto her and assuming she felt the same way. Obviously with this group date, which was basically she brought cock blockers with her, where did it go? You just went home with blue balls that night, and you could tell something was off.
After that day, she has been very cold over text with me.
Well, you want to match and mirror those actions.
This is what happens to most guys though. She backs off and he’s thinking about the way it was when she’s always calling, always texting, “I miss you. Can’t wait to see you,” and she’s backed off. So the illusion of action is kicking in now, the illusion of action I discussed in 3% Man, he’s saying, “I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to fix this. I’ve got to get her to like me more. How do I do that?” Now he’s acting like a chick. He’s thinking like a chick. He’s talking like a chick, basically.
I took initiative and set up a date for the following Saturday, to which she agreed (although in a cold manner), and we spent almost 7 hours together and had a great time (and had sex for the first time).
So yeah, this guy is trying to tell me that she’s a 9 or a 10 and they just had sex for the first time. That tells me all those times he was getting together, because he kind of insinuated that they were already hooking up, but they weren’t, because he couldn’t get it up.
Again, if you’re reading the book and you’re not learning everything and then you’re just flying by the seat of your pants and cherry picking, it’s like you make all these little mistakes and you turn her off instead of coming across as a magic man who knows how to make her pussy sing. You’re just like soy boy who’s not going to get to the Promised Land anymore.
During the date, she had mentioned that she wanted to go back to a place we had been before, so I kept that in my mind.
Now he’s like, really over-pursuing. As the book says, you reach out once a week and that’s it, period. You don’t start reaching out 2 or 3 times a week. This is where he’s starting to over-pursue, because he can feel her interest isn’t there. So he’s trying to make up for that by him doing more things because women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you for their feelings to develop. You cannot force this.
It’s like a rose. A rose needs a certain amount of sunlight. It needs nutrients and fertilizer and it needs water. If you give it too much sunlight, too much water, too much nutrients, you’re going to kill the rose. That’s basically what happens here. He’s doing too much too soon and trying to make up for her lack of effort instead of just backing off. So she likes him and she’s helping him and telling him things that she’d like to do, but it looks like he’s going to the point where he’s doing all the pursuing now.
The next afternoon, I told her to let me know when she would be available to go out to the place she had mentioned. She said, “Of courseee I’ll let you know,” and proceeded to double text me regarding another topic, and this is where I started to slip.
Bro, you were already slipping. You’re kind of delusional and you’re living in an alternate reality here. I’m trying to bring you back down to earth.
The following day (Monday), I asked her if she’d be free to join me for a hike on Tuesday, but she replied that she’d be busy with work, saying that she just started working full time again (which may explain her coldness).
No, she’s cold because her interest has dropped. Notice how he’s explaining away all these things. “It’s got to be the weather. It’s got to be the job.” Nope, it’s you. I know you don’t want to hear that and your ego is going. “No Corey, it’s not me. No, no, no, it’s the weather. No, it’s the job. I didn’t make any mistakes.”
I said, “No worries, just thought I’d send out an invite,” and she didn’t reply. Then on Tuesday, I contacted her around 9 PM regarding going with her to Miami at the end of July.
Now he’s thinking, “OK, how about July? ” He’s thinking, “I’ve got to get her to commit to something.”
I know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, because I was there once. I wrote about it in the book, and it’s a terrible place to be. So now he’s contacting her every day to try to get her to agree to do something with him because he can tell her interest has changed. He’s trying to force himself into her life.
She invited me to go on our SECOND date, but I wasn’t sure about her at that point. I told her that I’d be willing to go now, but she said it would probably be too late, even though I offered to book my own flight and Airbnb.
She doesn’t want you there, dude. Hello! Pay attention!
She hasn’t brought up getting together again at all.
Basically, I am worried that I pursued too much and turned her off these past few days. Is it recoverable?
Thanks Coach!
So in this particular instance, again, the book says once a week you contact her, and like four days in a row, you’re trying to get her to do something and she’s saying, “No, no, no.” “Hey, I’ll go on that trip with you.” “No, it’s too late. You don’t want to go. You won’t have any fun on that trip. You don’t want to go with us.” She’s putting you off.
Never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. When you look at it like this, what I would do is because you got to get her back to the point where she’s making an effort again. I would wait two full weeks to contact her or anything.
If you don’t hear from her within two weeks, that’s 14 days, 14 whole days. At the end of 14 whole days, if you still haven’t heard from her, I would text her or call her and say, “Hey, you. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And try to make a date. If she gives you the same, “Oh, my schedule is busy,” all this stuff, just say, “Hey, no problem. When your schedule frees up, get in touch. I’d love to see you then,” and never call her or text her again for any reason unless she reaches out to you. That’s basically where you’re at at this point.
Is it recoverable? Maybe, maybe not, but you have to become OK with not hearing from her and with having time and space, because you chase her to the point where you turned her off to where she just doesn’t even want to see you. The only way that’s going to come back is if you just let her be, and then she starts to wonder, “What happened to that dude? I haven’t heard from him. It’s been over a week. Did I piss him off? Did he meet somebody else?”
The reason why you want to wait two full weeks is you want to give her the opportunity to start to miss you and reach out, and if she does reach out, just make the next date. Simple as that. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen.
The other thing to keep in mind is, it looks like he had sex the last time they saw each other. I don’t know if the sex was good or not because it seemed like they tried several times and he couldn’t get it up. He wasn’t prepared, he freaked out or whatever. So if the sex is really bad, then you might not hear from her. Like I said, wait two weeks. If you never hear from her in those two weeks, contact her one more time. Try to make a date.
If she does make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. If she gives you more of the, “My schedule is crazy. I just started this new full time job. It’s crazy at work,” then just say, “Hey, no problem. When things settle down a little bit, get in touch. I’d love to see you,” and just leave it at that and never contact her again for any reason unless she reaches out. If she does after that, then make a date. It’s pretty simple, but you got to read the book, dude.
You can’t cherry pick things and bend the truth and bend reality and ignore it and expect everything is going to be just fine. I mean, saying that her interest is a 9 to a 10 and she’s in love with you is like, that’s absurd. That’s just ridiculous. That’s one of the most ridiculous things I read in a while. You need to come back down to earth dude, because you’re in fucking La-La Land.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.