Did I Do The Right Thing By Walking Away From Her?
How to know if walking away is the right move when the romance isn’t progressing like you want it to.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was seeing a woman from work. She was becoming increasingly difficult to get a date with and so he decided he needed to walk away and made a big deal about it. He shares his text exchange, which obviously communicates that he is butt-hurt, but he doesn’t notice his negative tone.
He is questioning if he did the right thing by walking away. I go through his text exchange and explain what he should have done differently. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi Coach Corey Wayne,
My name is Bob, I’ve been following you for a little over a year and have read your book 3 times so far. I will read it more as you suggested, but even just from what I’ve read I’ve learned quite a lot and have been way more successful in my dating life since. Thanks for all you do.
So, you’ve been following me for a year and you’ve been through “How To Be A 3% Man” three times? That’s, quite frankly, a piss poor effort, because the reality is you could take “How To Be A 3% Man,” a hardcover or a paperback book, follow along with it as you listen to the audiobook on two-speed, and you can get through it in three and a half hours. Since you’re following along with a physical book, it really forces you to concentrate. And so, if you want to get through the 10 to 15 repetitions quickly, that’s the best way to do it.
So, after a whole year, you’ve only been through it three times. That tells me you’re not that serious of a student. You’ve got to do better. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. Because you’re making things way harder on yourself than it needs to be. And after reading this atrocious text exchange, you can see the consequences of only reading the book three times in a year. You don’t really know what you’re doing.
I have a situation I’m currently in. I’m a travel nurse and have been seeing one of my coworkers for a little over a month now. She’s a nurse’s aid and is currently in nursing school and quite a bit younger than me. I’m confident, well paid, active, and am an in-shape, physically attractive man. Most of my female coworkers find me attractive and I have gone out with a few of them just for fun, but this girl is the one that I like. We’ve had sex several times, but her interest level often waxes and wanes, and I try to match her energy whenever this happens.
So, in other words, he’s getting butt-hurt and upset that she’s acting like a kitty cat, and he wants to force her to spend more time with him if he can. In other words, he’s upset they’re not spending enough time together, which is showing his weakness, and then obviously he’s displaying it to her.
She also just recently, (6 months ago), got out of a long 7-year relationship and I know this complicates things as far as her emotional availability goes.
So, yeah. She was seven years with someone, and she’s only had six months off. If you try to lock a woman like this down, you try to pressure her or get her to spend more time with you, then it’s going to blow up in your face.
Recently this past week, I’ve been asking her to hang out and kept getting excuses or just any other form of “no.”
You don’t keep barraging somebody when they tell you, “no.” If you ask them out and they say they’re unavailable or they’re not busy and you’ve been seeing them for a month, just say, “Alright, no problem. Get in touch when your schedule frees up,” and that’s it. You don’t call her or text her again for any reason. But it’s obvious he’s become hypnotized by the chocha and he’s losing his cool.
Finally after this last rejection, I told her how I felt and basically walked away. The text exchange is below.
So, it sounds like he’s asked her out multiple times in a week and got shot down several times. If you ask a girl out and you’ve only been out on one or two dates, you wait two weeks and then you ask her out again. And then, if she still gives you the same flaky response, you never contact her after that.
In this case, he’s been seeing her for a whole entire month. And instead of her attraction going up, it’s been going down. It’s obvious he’s overpursuing, because all I have to do is look at what she’s doing and what she’s saying. And most importantly, I’ve got the text exchange. So, the text exchange tells me everything about his previous interactions with her, which he hasn’t disclosed.
You can tell from his perception, there’s something wrong with this girl, when in reality, it’s how he’s showing up and how he’s acting, and she’s acting quite normal, to be honest with you. So, I’m going to go through his text exchange. He didn’t share the text above, but this is kind of the end of her last rejection.
HIM: Yeah not to a party, but you can come over.
HER: No sir, LOL.
HIM: Okay, I’ll stop.
HER: Sorry, I just don’t want to be mad if I don’t wake up, or don’t make it on time to clinical or don’t get something done because I’m over at your place. Work is different. It’s down the street and it won’t hurt me if I’m late. Well, it will but, I don’t care like I do with school.
So, you can tell whatever he’s saying in the previous text exchange is that he’s putting pressure on her, and he’s upset that she’s not willing to spend time with him.
HIM: It’s cool. I’ve been asking way too much…
In other words, “I’m overpursuing.”
…and you don’t really seem interested in hanging out. I can’t wait around when you’re always uncertain about seeing me!
Fuck, dude, come on. What the fuck are you thinking? Jesus, you read the book three times? Are you sure?
HER: You’re not asking for way too much, you’re just asking to hang out. I’ve just got too much going on and I get easily distracted, which has gotten me in trouble. [Face palm emoji] And I’m still here printing out shit for tomorrow, LOL.
She’s going, “I’m so busy, I’m so busy! Work is crazy! School is crazy!” Why is she saying all that? Because he’s overpursuing and he’s trying to make her feel guilty about not spending time with him.
HIM: I’m almost 30, LOL. I’ve dated enough women to know, when someone wants to see me they make time, no matter what they got going on. It’s the same the other way around. I work 6 days a week and will still find time to spend with someone I like. I’m not bitter or anything. I’m just pointing out facts. I’m okay with it.
Yeah, he doesn’t sound bitter at all.
Hit me up if you ever figure out your schedule. If not, then it is what it is.
Come on. You read this book three times? Get the fuck out of here. You probably haven’t been through it once.
HER: Alright. Damn, LOL. And you pretend to not see my message on Messenger… that’s cold. It’s cool.
HIM: You mean the reply to the message I sent 7 hours ago? Yeah, I saw it.
And so, she sends the meme with the guy from The Office cringing.
HER: Alright. I see you’re pissed at me.
See? I get the tone that he’s pissed off and butt-hurt, and obviously everybody listening to this knows that. And so, here’s his response when he gets accused of being pissed off at her.
HIM: I’m not at all. I just know what I like.
HER: And what do you like?
HIM: A girl that’s super into me and matches my energy is a turn on. They put in the same effort I do, and there’s not drama. It’s just fun.
It sounds like he’s copying and pasting phrases from my book or videos thinking, “Oh, this is going to make her panties drop. Coach is going to love this!”
HER: Ohhh, I see. You’re describing everything YOU THINK I’m not. [Thumbs up emoji]
HIM: I’m literally just telling you what I like, LOL.
HER: You’re so full of shit, Bob. [Laughing emoji]
HIM: Not sure why you think that, but okay.
HER: By the way, I was fucking dying laughing earlier today, because I was so used to seeing your name in my phone as “S” that your name blanked out. I was like, “WTF is his name?” I was tripping!!! You literally just said that to me before I left work. That I wasn’t giving you the same effort as you were, and you have told me that it looks like I have drama in my life before. But sure.
So, he’s complaining at work that she’s not doing enough. Our emailer, Bob, has been constantly butt-hurt and upset and communicating that to this younger woman who’s going, “What is with this guy?” Dude’s got no chill. He’s got no emotional self-control, he’s mad, he’s angry, he’s upset. He’s like, “I want the chocha, woman! Give me the chocha, I need the choca!”
HIM: I don’t feel like you do. That’s just the vibe I get. I’m telling you what I like and what I’m used to in general.
“Dammit, woman, comply with my wishes!” Man, what were you thinking, dude?
That’s so nice that you forgot my name though. [laughing emoji]
HER: Well, I’m sorry I’m different from the other girls that want you. I’m not like that chick that has a husband that is all obsessed with you. I’m sure you are used to chicks kissing ya ass, but that’s not me right now. I can’t be getting close to no one right now.
In other words, “I can’t be getting close to you, because you’re acting like a fucking lunatic, Bob.”
I don’t think you understand…
When a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. The legs are closing. She doesn’t feel heard and understood.
…when I say I will get distracted so easily. I’m not about to over a guy’s… not right now at least, LOL. And sorry, I remembered within seconds, but I thought it was funny. You officially “S” now.
HIM: Being into someone isn’t “kissing their ass.”
He’s using logic and reason to try to win this argument.
And I wouldn’t want that anyway. You said it best though, you’re not getting close to anyone. That’s totally fine, but that’s what I like. I like connecting with someone like that. It’s more fun that way, and the sex is way more passionate and awesome and just better. We’re just on different pages, but there’s nothing wrong with that.
This guy is so upset.
HER: Well, okay. I didn’t mean kissing ass, but pretty much, I can’t make things about anyone else right now.
In other words, he’s putting pressure on her, trying to lock her down, and she’s bouncing on him because he just can’t stop.
Wait what do you like? Being close or not being close and connecting with someone like that? Sorry, got confused, LOL. Yeah, I love getting close. Everything is definitely better like that if that’s what you meant. I feel like we were having a good time for a bit until I realized I wasn’t staying on top of my stuff and started to fall behind.
Well, that’s the excuse that she’s giving him, but the reality is he’s made her pussy dryer than a bucket of sand.
But it’s not your fault. It’s me. I tend to do that. That’s what I mean by getting distracted. Then people at my ear about us. I couldn’t go to work a day without being asked millions of questions and getting stares from people. That’s literally the only reason I didn’t go to your side.
HIM: Well, I won’t distracted you then. Focus on your school.
HER: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they told charge to put me on opposite sides as you, LOL.
In other words, to keep them separate in the hospital.
We’ll just do. You know, I did enjoy the days we were alone and out eating.
HIM: Probably. Maybe it’s better off that way. I did too.
HER: Why is that? So, you pretty much saying you going to avoid me now?
HIM: We can be coworkers. It doesn’t have to be awkward. I’m not immature like that.
HER: Well, it wasn’t going to be awkward for me either. I’m not immature either.
Ahhh, what a delightful text exchange. So, you could see from the tone of his texts and what he wrote he’s obviously upset and butt-hurt, but he doesn’t see it that way. The dude is totally lost his shit with this girl.
My question is, did I go about this the right way?
Was there something I could’ve done different or better?
Well, for starters, you could have followed instructions a year ago and read the book 10 to 15 times. But here we are with this needy, disgusting display of beta male, overpursuing, and chasing, and complaining, and being butt-hurt to a woman who you said is much younger than you. Dude, you’re painting yourself as a picture of just looking like a pathetic, weak-ass bitch.
Any advice to improve my “game” would be appreciated.
Well, quite frankly, from what you shared, there was no game in anything you shared. You sounded like a butt-hurt baby. If I were you, I would never call her or text her or reach out for any reason. Let her do 100% of it, in this case. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and invite her over for dinner.
I would be following the script in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” at this point, because that’s all you really need to do. I mean, it’s pretty simple, but man, you’ve got to fill in your knowledge gap and you also should be dating other women. Plus, you’re fishing off the company pier and getting upset and butt-hurt at that. So, you’re potentially creating drama and problems at work, which is not a good idea, dude. I just wouldn’t do it.
Especially with women in this day and age, you should let them do all the pursuing at work. That way, you don’t have to worry about getting yourself in trouble. Because hey, if she comes on to you and wants a little kissy-poo, and is touching you, and rubbing up against you, it’s like, “whoops!” Or something pops up when you guys are at your place alone, it’s like, “Well, you’ll just have to do something about that.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“When somebody cares about you and wants, values and appreciates your time, they make it easy to get together. When they don’t, they make it difficult to spend time together without being direct and telling you that they aren’t interested. You should match and mirror the actions of your romantic prospects. If they treat you like a priority, you can reciprocate. If they treat you like an afterthought, a nuisance or like you mean nothing to them, then give them the gift of missing you, permanently if necessary. Never make someone a priority in your life when they treat you like an option.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne