Dating Prospects You Should Avoid
Which dating prospects you should avoid getting involved with and why.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is trying to be a White Knight to date and save a woman who is living with a toxic boyfriend who has cheated on her with multiple women. He says he has been following my work for about a year now. He is completely ignoring all the red flags that should cause him to keep his distance from her and which disqualifies her as a dating prospect.
It’s a good email that illustrates how guys fall in love with a woman’s potential, while ignoring her toxic reality. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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I’ve got an email from a guy who got involved with a woman he should not be getting involved with. And I see this a lot. A lot of guys project their high interest on the women they just met and they completely ignore the fact that they’re just simply not ready, willing, able, and open to dating or starting a new relationship. But these guys go all White Knight, and they think they’re going to save this woman from her unhappy life, or the bad, toxic boyfriend that mistreats them, or whatever it happens to be. So, this is really super important and can save you a lot of wasted time, and money, and emotional heartache on people that you just simply should not be wasting your time with.
My name is Bob, 29 years old, and I have been following your work for around a year now, read the book 2 times, and I’m on my 3rd time.
Obviously, he’s talking about “How To Be A 3% Man.” So, if in twelve months you read the book two times, that’s just a half-assed effort. That’s not what a good student would do; that’s what somebody who’s lazy and trying to cherry-pick would do. Therefore, that’s why you’re writing me the email in the first place, because you didn’t really follow instructions, you didn’t learn the fundamentals, and you’re getting involved with somebody you shouldn’t be.
I know the reason being is I read/listen to around 2–3 self-help books a month, some of which are about behavioral psychology and got me much better and mature.
So, you’re basically saying, “Hey, it’s not really a priority for me to learn your work,” yet you’re writing me an email because you’re misapplying what’s in my work. It’s not a priority to you, so you’re screwing up, and it’s your fault.
I also watch your video newsletters regularly whenever I am at the gym.
So, you’re cherry-picking. That’s typical.
I came from conservative culture (Egyptian Muslim), and some of the rules are things that I don’t want to apply in my life due to cultural reasons, as well as I just don’t feel comfortable with them, though I realize now that they don’t help my game. I work as a doctor in London and have my own restaurant in my home country, which is doing really well. I go to the gym, do lessons in swimming and boxing, learned how to drive last year and got a car, and after 3 years here, I now live on my own.
I am quite busy and successful now, and people at work like me, I strike a chat with everyone easily, as I am sociable by nature. Your work helped me a lot when I was chasing my ex out of my life. Lots of the girls I meet want me, but I just have some high standards and I date only when I am serious, which is quite difficult given me being busy, as well as I don’t like wasting my time with someone that I don’t see myself with.
So, I met this girl 4 years ago at an academy that prepares us to qualify to become doctors in the UK. She is extremely pretty, works as a doctor in central London, has Christian principles, which I like, and ticks most of my boxes (apart from having her dad divorce her mum when she was a child, and I can tell that affected her self-esteem).
You feel that White Knight vibe coming on? “I’m going to save her,” “She’s got so much potential, if we could only fix these few things.”
I blew up with her 2 years ago, only had a horrible date, (I was a virgin at the time), and didn’t know how to handle things at all on that date.
So, now he’s going back, thinking, “Hey, I’ve read this book twice in twelve months and I’ve cherry-picked some videos; now I’m really ready to have my way with her.”
And then she started dating someone else, and I met her a couple of times as a friend after that last time 1.5 years ago.
So, he already gave off the platonic vibe. She probably friend-zoned him. He agreed to hang out as a friend, hoping he could change her mind. And now that he’s read my book twice, he thinks, “Now I’m a different guy, and I want to prove to her how amazing I am now.”
Since then, I opened my restaurant, learned how to drive, got a nice car, got a good body and shape, and developed my character a lot.
Yeah, he’s definitely in the approval-seeking, “I’ve changed! I hope she notices I’ve changed and I’m better. And she should date me now, because I’ve changed.” Bad way to go. Approval-seeking behavior is not attractive.
I recently checked up on her and met, did everything as you said, had a great date, and she was extremely in her feminine by the end of the date, contrary to the beginning of the date, and that made me say, “Wow, what is this?!” But I knew she is engaged, so I didn’t go for the kiss.
What are you doing going on a date with a girl who’s engaged?
Which I have been applying with a lot of people over the last year, and it works wonders.
Works wonders of what? You’re going out on dates and not going for the kiss and you’re like, “This is swell!” Okay, so you’re making new friends.
A few weeks later, I asked her out again.
Keep in mind, she’s engaged.
She was happy, and I picked her up from her place in my car.
She started telling me that her boyfriend cheated on her and called 5 hookers when he was on vacation.
Five! It’s like, “Oh, yes, this is delightful. I would love to get in the middle of this.”
I listened to her, sought to understand, and asked questions when necessary, and when she finished, asked if she wanted my advice, which I told her what I think is true about the whole thing — which, basically, he was toxic and verbally abusive.
So, he’s become the gay male girlfriend and her therapist. How nice.
She still lives with him, so I didn’t interfere or make the move.
It’s like, come on, man. Why are you even wasting your time with this? This guy’s thinking, “I’m going to save her. I’m going to be the White Knight. I got this book I’ve read twice in twelve months; it can change everything! She’s going to get rid of this guy and see how awesome I am, and we’re going to live happily ever after. Everybody’s going to be jealous of our love story.” You see this in the movies a lot, but here’s a real life example of why that shit doesn’t work.
1 day after the date she texted that she wants her face mask back as a joke, and she was happy that she spoke to me.
“Thanks for being my gay male girlfriend! I feel so much better!”
1 day after that she texted saying that she asked him to leave the house after him putting the blame on her for cheating on her.
You want this girl to have this ex-boyfriend or “fiancé” totally out of her life.
I then said, “Hmm, she is reaching out twice,” then I asked her out, for which she said she is too depressed to go out.
Yeah, you ask a girl out and she says, “Oh, I’m just too depressed to go out,” it’s like, “Oh yeah, I’m gonna call her next week, and hopefully she’ll have a different attitude.” Don’t invest any time or energy when she needs time to heal. She’s right in the middle of an abusive relationship, and you think you’re just going to step right in there and everything’s going to be sunshine and roses? It doesn’t work that way, man.
I left it at that and said, “Let me know when you are up for a chat.” One week later, I texted her again.
Didn’t he just say, “Hey, get in touch when you’re up for a chat,” which should have been the right response, but he held out for a whole week and was like, “I’ve got to text her again!”
I asked how her night shifts were, (told me all about it on the 2nd date). She replied with pics and comments. I then asked her when she is free to go to the London Eye, (which was on the pictures sent from the window of her work). She again took her time to get back to me, (didn’t get back yet).
Dude, you’re not congruent with your words. You shouldn’t be surprised that this is not working. If you tell a woman to get in touch when she’s up for a chat, when really what you want to do is rearrange her insides, it’s like you’re trying to fly under the radar.
This is typical nice guy garbage. This is what you see in the movies; this doesn’t work in the real world. And this is why I say read the book 10–15 times, because you may have read it like you claim, but looking at your actions, nothing’s changed. You’re still the same beta male you were when you first met this girl.
Needless to say, she made a lot of remarks on both dates about how she sees me as a mature man, strong, and friendly. I said, I don’t waste my time as I perceive myself as a catch.
Yeah, wow. That’ll really make her pussy wet for you.
And she instantly replied, “You are a catch, Bob.” On both dates, she leaned in and gave me a hug goodbye.
He got a hug! I remember there was a video I did years ago called “A Big Wide Open Hug.” He’s like, “She gave me a big wide open hug at the end of our date,” and the guy was like, “Oh, this is amazing. I got a big wide open hug. Yes! Finally, a big wide open hug.”
I know women in these situations are quite difficult, even if my game was tight.
Dude, your “game was tight”? Are you kidding me? You must have had a few cocktails when you wrote me this.
I am really interested in her but don’t know if asking her out was appropriate. Or should I have been only texting? What shall I do? No contact role? Shall I wait like a month till she processes the hurt and breaks up and see how she is?
You’re trying to rip off some other guy’s fiancée. It’s like, what the fuck are you thinking?
As I know things might be different for her as well, given she is from semi-conservative Christian culture.
Please accept my kindest regards,
Yeah, dude, I wouldn’t call her or text the chick again for any reason. If she does reach out and then she tells you she’s still with the boyfriend, it’s like, “Hey, I’d love to go out with you, but why don’t you resolve your situation with your fiancé, and if it doesn’t work out, take some time for yourself, take some time to heal, and reach out. And if I’m still single, I’d love to go out with you.” That’s what you should be doing.
But instead, it’s like, man, you’re doing the opposite of what I teach. You should not be wasting your time with this girl. You’re acting like some kind of White Knight that’s just going to step in and solve all of her problems and save her from her bad choices. And then you’re projecting your value system on her, because you’re like, “Oh, she’s a good Christian girl, so she must be a good person.” She’s engaged to a guy that got five hookers on her, (I don’t know if it was all at the same time, or what the deal was), and you’re going, “I can work with this! This is great. I got a good prospect here.” It’s like, come on, man, seriously.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“A good rule of thumb when it comes to dating prospects is that you should never become romantically involved with someone who has not finalized their divorce, still lives with their ex or who is still involved with their ex. Insecure people often try to start new relationships before their current relationship is over because they simply can’t handle being alone and single. The best dating prospects are with people who are ready, willing, able and open to a new romance. Not with people who are stuck in the past and unable to move on.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne