Can People Really Change or Is Character Destiny?
Why it is extremely rare and improbable that a dishonest person will change and become honest and loyal.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for about 8 months. He wasn’t looking for anything serious at first. They were both new to a big city and she made a lot of guy friends. He acted needy and whiny at her behavior, but eventually he broke up with her because she kept doing it. They would be on and off, but she’d always go back to her old ways when he gave her another chance. He’s caught her lying several times.
Now she claims she really understands what she did was wrong and has changed. He wonders if this will last or if she will simply revert back to her old ways once she gets comfortable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He’s thinking, “Hey, things are pretty good now. Is it possible that she changes?” It’s possible, but the question is, is it likely based upon the person’s actions? When we look at somebody who has displayed a lot of ratchet behavior, a lot of disloyal type of behavior, maybe they get burned enough, they get dumped enough by guys that have integrity, and they learn, every time they get a good dude and they screw them over, he’s gone forever.
Maybe 40, 50, 70 years ago, that would have been the case. But these days, there are so many thirsty dudes that are happy to put up with this behavior that it communicates to the woman that it’s okay and that it’ll be forgiven. Me, personally, when I look at somebody’s actions and having done this for almost 20 years now I’ve been doing this — tens of thousands of phone sessions, countless, countless emails — you see the same patterns over and over. Character typically is destiny.
You know, we did a video that just came out recently, I think over the weekend, asking this question about, what are the odds that people change? And every time I’ve done a video about it, usually it’s the people that have been the liars and the cheaters that get the most upset. Because they don’t like hearing the fact that most people, especially me, being on my channel, don’t believe that they’re going to change.
They may want to change, but if we look at their actions, it’s like they’re remorseful when they get caught. And you can see this woman’s remorseful that she got caught, yet the behavior continued. And like Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “current events form future trends.” And, as I say constantly, you always look at what a person does, not what they say. A person’s actions are a true reflection of who they really are. And like Maya Angelou said, “when somebody tells you or shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I’ve found this to be pretty consistent in my 52 years on this marble globe, hurtling through the galaxy at tens of thousands of miles an hour.
A little more than a year ago, I found a girl who I really liked and fell head over heels. For about 8 months, we had a passionate relationship with amazing sex. At that point, I hadn’t really focused on what I wanted in a girl and didn’t really mind anything she did. We were both new to a big city and went out a lot separately, as well as together. Eventually, she started making a lot of friends including many male friends.
Obviously, she liked the attention.
She would constantly go out with them and not prioritize me.
Well, that should tell you that you weren’t really that important to her. You were more into her than she was into you, at least when this was going on.
It started to bother me, and I slowly got needy and whiny, which led to constant fighting and bickering.
Yeah, that’s totally unattractive. And all of that’s going to do is drive her away. It’ll drive any woman away. You just can’t behave that way. Because you’re getting upset at behavior that is a reflection of her character. And it’s not your job to save her or to fix her or to change her. It’s your job to recognize who and what she really is and then make your decisions based upon that and not on your projected fantasy of who she is or what you think her potential happens to be. You’ve got to see reality as it is.
My trust for her slowly started fading, and as time went on, it was obvious that her attraction had dropped. At this point, I started realizing a girl like this was not one that I wanted as a girlfriend, and I broke up with her.
Well, good for you. Character is destiny, and she wasn’t displaying the kind of character that you wanted to stay committed and loyal and faithful to. She’s constantly inviting attention from other men, going and hanging out with other dudes at the club. Who knows what she’s doing when you’re not around. You only know about the things that you have found out. But all the other stuff you don’t know.
We were on and off for about a month, and things would improve for a few days or weeks, and then she would slowly get back to her old ways.
Water seeks its own level. So, she’s pretty consistent. Remember, character is destiny, so she’s pretty consistent with her character.
Eventually, I found her with a snap streak (shows consistent days) of over 50 with her ex-boyfriend. When confronted, she said it was because she was feeling insecure and the communication was all innocent, (yeah, fucking right).
This is her ex-boyfriend. Obviously, there’s still something there. She still cares.
I completely swore her off and ended things with her immediately. Two months later, we ran into each other at a bar by coincidence and slept together.
He hadn’t found anybody better, so he’s like, “Eh, this is easy. I’ll just go back to what I know.”
We started slowly getting back together, even though she had been talking to another guy directly in her friend group while we were apart. She showed me a text she sent to him about not wanting to pursue things further in a way to prove her commitment to me.
Well, that sounds like a nice gesture, but it’s just one gesture. Does it make up for all the ratchet behavior you’ve seen in the past year?
I always remembered that quote about “trust but verify,” and decided to go through her phone one night. I found a lot of texts with that same guy, and when I confronted her, she freaked out and deleted all of the texts, (later claiming this was a “panic delete”).
Well, it’s just because she was guilty. It’s a guilty delete. She’s trying to cover her tracks. Her character’s pretty consistent up until this point. What do you guys think? If you’re in Vegas and you want to bet on, is this woman going to become loyal and faithful and a great girlfriend that’ll never invite attention from other men as long as she lives, as long as she’s with this guy? What do you think of that wager? Do you think that’s a good wager? I personally don’t.
Again, I broke up with her immediately. Old habits die hard, and somehow, I kept finding her in my bed.
He didn’t say how she got there. If she kept texting him and he invited her over, or if he would go out and not find anybody, and then 2 a.m. booty call. He doesn’t say.
I would swear that I wouldn’t ever allow her to be my girlfriend again, but slowly we kept progressing further.
He doesn’t say who is making it progress.
Now, we’re at a point where she has claimed that she realizes the severity of her mistakes and has constantly expressed extreme remorse for everything that happened.
Sure. The only reason why she would be really contrite is if she was doing all of the pursuing and she was trying to get you back. Because if your behavior had stayed the way it was she, she’d be consistent for a week or two, just like you said before, and then she’d go right back because she wouldn’t have any respect for you.
Now, because she’s having to earn you back again — I’m just looking at her actions here and what’s going on, what she’s saying, what she’s doing, what he’s saying and doing — it sounds like when he finally disengaged, because rejection breeds obsession, she wasn’t willing to let him go. And so, she tried harder. She’s trying harder to convince him that she’s changed.
But at the end of the day, when there was no pressure to change, how did she behave? Totally consistent with having no character, no integrity, no loyalty, no honesty at all. Nothing in her actions would show that she’ll ever be loyal and faithful.
She has sworn to do anything to keep me.
Yeah. Probably because you’re letting her come to you at her pace. So, is it because she’s truly changed, or is it because you have the leverage at this particular moment in time because you’re letting her come to you?
I know what you’re thinking, “give me a fucking break.”
Well, I’m not the only one. Everybody that’s watching this going, “Coach is right.” It’s like, this bitch belongs to the streets. No way.
But to prove her loyalty, she’s shown me any time that someone DMs or texts her and makes sure to always prioritize me and make time for me.
Again, because the leverage has changed. And this tells me you’re letting her actually come to you and earn you. Maybe you’ve been actually paying attention to what’s in the book. And so, her behavior is cleaned up because you’re acting masculine and she’s submitting to you. This is what happens when women are in love with you. They will mold themselves into your life. This is what submitting to you means.
But what happens when you slip up and you stop displaying alpha masculine behavior? She loses respect for you. And then what happens? She’ll probably go right back to doing what she was doing before.
She said I can always go through her phone and has constantly gone above and beyond to make me feel comfortable. Now, she is continually pushing for a relationship.
Yeah, this is definitely because he’s backed off and he’s letting her do all of the pursuing. She’s working to earn him back.
What should I do?
Well, “trust, but verify” still applies.
My heart wants to keep her because I do truly love her, but of course I have my doubts.
And you should.
She’s proven to be devious and a liar in the past but has shown drastic change so I’m unsure.
Well, again, the only reason she’s changed is because you have the leverage and you’re acting like a man consistently, finally, after a year. Therefore, she knows she can’t slip up, so she values it more. And so, she’s changed her behavior, but is it a permanent change, or is it just because you’re acting masculine consistently? That’s the $10,000 question.
Can people change?
Yeah, but people like this very rarely do. It could be just an act. So, the question for you is, how long can you maintain this? How long can you be consistent with the principles in the book? Are you learning it, or are you going to be good for six months or a year or two, and you get really comfortable, then you just kind of backslide? Because it happens so slow. You don’t really realize that you’re backsliding into your old beta ways. If you don’t take the time to learn the material, you won’t notice it’s happening until it’s too late.
She’s young and I recognize there’s a lot of immaturity there, but things do seem to be getting better. Should I give her another chance or just let her go?
Well, it looks like you kind of already gave her another chance.
It sucks so fucking bad being in the same city as an ex and knowing she’ll quickly be getting with dudes I likely know.
I can’t make that decision for you. You have to put your big boy pants on and make it. I’m just saying that based upon her previous behavior, that’s her set point, if you will. So, when things fall apart, she’s going to lean back on the same behavior. If you slack off, say you become a pleaser, say, over the next 6 to 12 months or a year and a half, you’re good, but then you start screwing up for a month or two. What do you think is going to happen? I think she’ll just go back to behaving the same way.
If it was me, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with somebody like that. I wouldn’t trust somebody that behaves this way. But the only reason her behavior has changed is because you’ve been acting masculine consistently. But character is destiny. So, what happens when you slip up? Because you will slip up. You will get soft, you will get complacent the longer you’re with her, it just happens. It happens to every guy. So, the question is, what then?
You can say, “I’ll give her one more chance, because she’s earned it by being consistent.” But, again, you won’t know for sure until you slip up consistently for a few weeks or a month or two. But if I’m in Las Vegas and you’re saying, “Corey, what’s the wager? What do you wage?” I’d say, well, if her behavior has changed, it’s because you’re finally showing up as a man consistently. But if you revert back to the beta male, needy, pleaser ways, she’ll go right back to inviting attention from other men and doing devious things. That’s what I would wager.
You’ve always got to know your downside risk in everything, so I wouldn’t trust the bitch. She’s been good because you’ve been on it. But, like I said, as soon as you slip up, if it was me, I would be willing to bet money that she will screw around on you again when you slip up. She’ll be good, but the question is, how long can you maintain this for? I don’t know, maybe you’ll be perfect.
Like I said, it’s not a wager I would be willing to wage my future on, especially if you’re planning on having a family or something like that. Because imagine having kids and then finding out half your kids aren’t yours. It happens to a lot of guys. I’ve got a friend that happened to. That’s not a position you want to be in as a man. Especially when you’re decades down the road with your children, and it’s like, “Oh, half of my kids aren’t mine.” Imagine that. Is that something that you want to experience? Because all I know is, all the clients I’ve had over the years, including my my friend, that’s not a place you want to be. It sucks.
So, you’ve always got to know your downside risk in everything. And to me, there’s too much downside risk for this girl. But it’s your life. You do what you want. You could make the argument and say, “You know what? She’s been consistent. Let’s see how she does.” But like I said, I think as soon as you slip up, she’ll go right back to her old ways. That’s my honest opinion. Maybe she’ll prove us all wrong. But I don’t think so.