Avoiding The Toxic Single Mom
How to spot single moms that are too toxic to date and have a relationship with.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few years and read my book once, but didn’t take it seriously. He’s been off and on with a single mom who has male orbiters, male friends and still hooks up with her baby daddy when they are not together. Things are really not progressing and he doesn’t have the guts to stand up to her and he isn’t taking learning my material seriously.
So his problems are completely preventable, but he, like most guys are simply lazy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Well, this is something that obviously dudes in the red pill community are just adamantly opposed to. “Any mother who has children are just undateable. They’re all bad.” You got to evaluate people based upon their character, and with this particular single mom, there’s a lot of red flags in here that make it pretty obvious, and I can understand why those guys justify it, especially one dude in particular. He made his whole shtick and his whole life, because he got burned by his single mom, about bitching and complaining about single moms as if they’re the root of all evil. That’s just nihilistic, that’s jaded and that’s typically a dude that’s got some serious mommy issues.
You got to evaluate people on a case-by-case basis, because character is destiny. People make mistakes. Sometimes women get married to or they get in a relationship with a guy. Maybe he doesn’t have a shit together, maybe he cheats on her. Things are going to happen. Or maybe they’re just long term, they don’t get along and it’s just better off that they’re not together. Those things are going to happen, but just to say, “Oh, she’s got a kid, she’s a single mom, she’s trash,” that’s ridiculous. Usually incompetent men that don’t understand women are complaining about them.
Again, if you were evaluating this person on a case-by-case basis and you look at her history, you look at the things she talks about, you go, “Oh, she got male orbiters. She’s got male friends. She’s still hooks up with her baby daddy.” This guy says he read the book once but didn’t take it seriously, so he still hasn’t learned it, even though he writes this email in and he’s been dating this girl on and off for a couple of years, so he’s completely put his personal life on hold for a woman that is just not a candidate for a relationship. This is like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate, that’s it, and you definitely want to wear a raincoat with somebody like this. You don’t want to be wifing her up just because she doesn’t display good character traits that show that she was raised properly.
Viewer Email:
Hey Coach,
I’ll be honest, I read your book but I wasn’t taking the information seriously at all…
Well, if you don’t take your life or your success seriously, then who is? Nobody’s coming to save you or fix your problems, dude.
…And I kept going back to the relationship. So I’ll try to shorten all this up so the email won’t be as long.
I met this woman who was 22 at the time and a single mother. I was 24. When me and her met, she just got out of a relationship with her baby’s father like a few months prior to me and her getting together. We dated for about a month, then I asked her to be my girlfriend.
Again, he didn’t know about my work, didn’t take it seriously, he’s trying to lock her down to a commitment after a month of dating. It’s too much, too soon.
As soon as I did that, it’s like all hell broke loose. Me and her got into a huge argument about her having a male friend.
Again, this is why you date if you actually read the book. The woman should be the one trying to lock you down to a commitment. If you see that she’s got these male friends or these male orbiters, or she’s hanging out with her exes all the time and texting her exes all the time, and she wants you to be in a serious relationship, I wouldn’t consider it, but it’s like, “You still hang out with your ex-boyfriends. You still are giving out your phone number to all these guys and giving them the idea that they can get in your pants. So if you want to be in a relationship with me, these guys are going to be out of the picture. When I see that after a couple of months of dating, you’re still talking to all these dudes and acting like you’re single, it seems absurd to me that you want me to be in an exclusive relationship with you, yet you’re still talking to your exes, hanging out with your exes. You’re giving out your number to new dudes. Those are not the actions of a woman that values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. Those are the actions of a girl that wants to tie me up in an exclusive relationship while she continues to play the field and give other men the impression that she’s available. I don’t want that. I’m not going to agree to be in a relationship with a woman that thinks that behavior is OK. So if you want me to be in a relationship with you, then you’re going to cut all these dudes off and say, ‘Hey, I’m dating a guy I really like and we’re going to get serious. We can’t talk anymore.’” Simple as that. Women will respect that and they’ll respect the boundaries, because unless you got kids with the guy, there’s no reason to be in contact with those people.
I told her, “I don’t mind you having a male friend. I just think there need to be some boundaries.” She used to smoke with her male best friend by herself and I told her that made me uncomfortable.
Yeah, if you want to be in an exclusive relationship in this case, in essence, a stepdad or a stepfather to her child, then she’s not going to go hang out with other men single one-on-one unless they’re gay. More than likely, these dudes aren’t gay. They’re guys that are stuck in friend zone, and they really want to get out of it. Women that are family oriented are not going to go do things like that. They’re not going to go and smoke a bowl with some male friend. It’s absurd. It’s like, she can’t expect you to commit to her if she wants to behave that way. You just have to say, “Look, these guys weren’t all in your life, but you’re going over to this dude’s house. He’s not just a friend. He’s carrying the torch. He’s hoping to get in your pants. The fact that you go over there and hang out with him clearly makes him think he’s got a shot with you, despite the fact that we’re dating. So unless I see you behaving in a way that says, ‘Hey, you’re the only man for me, you’re the only man in my life,’ obviously, I have to stay in contact with the baby daddy. That’s understandable, because you got a child together, but all these other guys? I’m not going to be exclusive with a woman that hangs out with all these dudes or goes to dinner late at night with her boss who’s been trying to get into her pants, or the guy from accounting that’s got a crush on her. I don’t think so.”
She thought I was being controlling and she ended up leaving me.
You shouldn’t have tried to lock her down to a commitment, and the fact she left just shows she wasn’t that into you anyways.
So when that happened, it completely broke my trust because she blamed me for everything. So we were broken up for a few months and ended up getting back together because I reached out.
So when you chase after somebody that breaks it off and they say you were too controlling, all she was really saying is, “I don’t like you enough to want to be exclusive with you and to be in a relationship.” That’s why you should have never brought up being in a relationship after a month, but as he said, he’s been a lousy student and didn’t take it seriously to read the book and learn this stuff. So he’s just making all these unnecessary mistakes.
A week of us talking trying to fix things, she gets completely upset with me and says, “I want us back in a relationship. If we’re not together. I’m not giving you my body.” I told her, “That’s fine. I’m just not ready for a relationship,” but I ultimately gave in and said OK even though I wasn’t ready…
So that just shows me that you’re acting like a bitch. It’s not what you really want and you agreed to it anyways. This is why she thinks you’re a pushover and she doesn’t respect you as a man, because you don’t have the balls to stand up to her. You say, “Look, we didn’t speak for three months. You can’t expect me to be exclusive with you right away. What about all these other guys you’re talking to?” She’s like, “Oh, don’t be controlling.” I would be like, “OK well, you’re trying to control me, you’re trying to control who I spend my time with, and you expect me to cut off all the women in my life, yet you can keep giving all the dudes in your life a green light? I don’t think so. I’m not down with that double standard.” Again, you should have never been reaching out to her in the first place, but that’s beside the point.
…Which is completely my fault. While we were broken up, she told me she had a “Sexual encounter” with her baby father, and that really hurt me as well even though we weren’t together at the time.
This is not the type of woman that you try to lock down. Just look at her behavior. She doesn’t have closure, the relationship with the baby daddy is not really over, they’re still hooking up. A woman who’s a good single mom is going to be single, she’s done with her relationship with her ex, she doesn’t want anything to do with him romantically anymore, she’s glad they’re not together, she’s looking for a good man to have a good life with and potentially somebody to be a good stepfather to her child, somebody that likes kids. If you don’t like kids, don’t date women that have kids.
A few weeks into the new relationship, she tells me she has to go on a band trip for her college and she doesn’t want to ride the bus, so she wanted to ride with a friend. I notice she didn’t wanna say who, so I had to ask multiple times who was it. She finally tells me it’s the guy I told her made me uncomfortable.
Again, you just feel like, “Hey, if you want to go with your friend, then yeah, I’m not going to be exclusive with you, because the way this looks is like, I’m just one of the guys you’re sleeping with, and that’s fine, but you have to understand that you’re going to be just one of the women that I’m sleeping with. If you want me all to yourself, then I got to have you all to myself.” If you flip it around and you put it back on her, you need to see that she makes these changes in her life to push these people out of her life if she wants you to take her seriously when it comes to a relationship.
So when she gets on the trip, she completely avoids me, doesn’t call until the next day and barely texted me even though I told her how I felt.
Yeah, she does it because she doesn’t respect you. She really doesn’t give a shit what you think. She knows you’re too much of a pussy and a pushover to stand up to her, and you’ll just go along with it. This is another reason why she continues to entertain other men, because deep down, you don’t make her feel safe. She doesn’t feel you’re strong enough to be with her.
I said to myself, “If it’s OK for her to have a male friend, then I’ll just have a female friend,” which was so irresponsible and childish.
Well, quite frankly, this is how she’s operating. That’s how you got to match and mirror her level of seriousness.
My female friend ended gaining feelings, so I told her I had a girlfriend and I told my girlfriend and she wanted me to block her, so I did.
Just like that! He immediately blocks the females in his life at her request, but she doesn’t do the same. You made her the man in the relationship since you guys met, and that hasn’t changed. That’s one of the reasons why she just walks all over you and dominates your ass, because you’re a pussy.
While all this is going down, her and her baby father are constantly arguing and I felt so unsafe in the relationship.
Again, you shouldn’t have agreed to it anyways, but you’ve been a shitty student, so you did it to yourself.
I was constantly seeking reassurance, so she told me I was being too clingy and she had a lot going on in life, so she left me again…
Yeah, because she just didn’t care. She wasn’t feeling it.
…And went back to her baby father and had sex with him.
Just blew you off and went and fucked another guy.
So we tried a third time around, and this time around, I’m listening to your book. I tell myself, “I’m standing on my principles and not gonna rush into a relationship.” So I tell her I want us to date and just get to know each other. As we’re doing that, I get on Tinder one night out of just being bored, and she goes lurking for me on there. I was gonna delete the profile but I forgot…
Yeah, sure…
…So that made her upset because in the past she would go on my Instagram page and look through my followers and found a woman I dated in the past. I didn’t think to unfollow her because I barely use social media and that woman and I didn’t talk for almost a year at that point, so I guess that really broke her trust.
Yeah, it’s just a double standard. Again, you’ve turned her into the man and you’re the girl in this. Maybe you should buy her a strap on and then she can give you the business.
So she built this habit to go looking for me on social media. It got so bad till the point I would hide things from her to avoid arguments, and she’ll find it and that’ll do more damage, So she ends up leaving me again and saying a lot of hurtful things in the process.
Stop chasing after this girl, dude. Jesus…
We decided to try again and this time around I wanted us to date, take things slow.
“So we decided to try again,” which is code for, “I bitched out, I called her and asked her for another chance.” The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and he never walks away and means that ,he always caves. So she’s not going to respect you at all as a man because you don’t act like a man. There’s no consequences, your boundaries are a joke and you don’t even take your boundaries seriously.
I was truthful with her about everything I had going on. I told her someone would text me every two weeks and just check on me, so she still decided to date me. I thought we were dating with no commitment so I didn’t think it was a big deal to respond back to the text message. After a month of us dating the chick I had before, my ex had texted me and asked me how I was doing. I told her, and my ex asked if we still talked. I told her she’ll text me every other day and my ex got so upset with me and left me again.
Oh no. So she uses breakups as a weapon and a manipulate you because you’ll come running back after her like,” Arf, arf, arf!” Like a little puppy. I don’t have the puppies with me today. Oh, mommy, mommy!”
So Coach, what’s your opinion on this situation and what did I do wrong?
Well, you should have never gotten serious with this girl in the first place.
I responded back because I thought we weren’t committed and we were dating, but my ex says I cheated anyways.
Bob
Well it’s pretty clear that your ex has been the one cheating, so I don’t see that changing. The way to handle this is like, if you’re crazy enough to date this girl again, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you got to read the book. You got to read the book 10 to 15 times and learn it, because you’re just doing the opposite of it. So you’ve been completely bamboozled by this woman, and it’s not going to improve until your skills improve and you fill in your knowledge gap. If you’re just going to half ass it, well this is going to be a way of life for you. I mean, imagine waking up every day and having to deal with this. You’ve gotten together and broke up, I don’t know, five times maybe at this point? It’s like, why would you even want to deal with that? I personally would not. You’re going to have to learn the material and you’re going to have to apply it. If you’re crazy enough to get involved, then stick to your guns about not being in a committed relationship until she proves that all these other dudes are out of the picture and she treats you good.
Again, character is destiny. This woman’s already showed you her character. She sleeps with her baby daddy, blows you off, invites attention from other men, has other male orbiters, goes over and smokes out with one of her male friends. Yet you’re the guy that’s the problem. This is kind of narcissistic abuse. If you look at how she treats you, you’re just not going to fix this. If you were smart, you would move on and you start dating somebody else. If she does come back, you can treat her like a fuck buddy. Make sure you wear a condom. Don’t be raw dogging it because you don’t want to slip one past the goalie and then now you’re stuck with this girl for two decades. It’s a bad, bad, bad way to go, my man. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You’re not going to fix this girl, but it sure looks like you’re going to continue to try, so it is what it is.
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