The truth about the abundance, or lack thereof, of high quality women in society that make good dating prospects.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is on his third read of my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” He claims that myself and many other self-help authors say that high quality women are abundant who make good dating prospects. I discuss the reality that high quality people in general, who share the same goals and values are a scarce commodity in society and why that is.
I also discuss the importance and meaning of an abundance mentality when it comes to dating, making friends and your professional life so you don’t get attached to people and outcomes that are unreasonable, unrealistic or unattainable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This is a really super important thing to talk about and understand, not just with women in your personal life, but with your friendships, with clients, with employers, with just basic acquaintances. You’ve got to be very careful about who you let into your inner circle, whether it’s people you work with, or you’re in a bad relationship, or you’ve got “supposed” friends that are always trying to sandbag your success. The people you surround yourself by, those are your teammates.
Those are the people that are going to push you forward and help propel you when you have doubts yourself. And they’ll also be the people that will hinder you and get in the way when you have doubts about yourself, because you surrounded yourself with people that are playing at a level of mediocrity. So in order to reach your full potential, you want to surround yourself by really great people.
If you get attached to some one or some thing, and you’re not being realistic, you get fixated on somebody else that’s got free will to choose you or not. And if you’ve read my first book “How To Be A 3% Man,” you can see when I was a younger man, I bought into the fantasy that I saw in all of the movies and on TV that you’re going to get fixated on one girl, you’re going to know she’s the right one for you, and eventually if the odds are in your favor, you’re going to get the right girl, eventually convince her to like you, and live happily ever after.
It’s super rare for two people to meet when they’re young, spend their whole lives together, and then basically die minutes apart. That’s an anomaly. That doesn’t happen for the overwhelming majority of most people.
It’s important to your sanity, your health and your ability to reach your full potential that you don’t get caught up in these bullshit narratives and fantasies that society teaches all of us, because you can waste a lot of your years. Like the email I read last week — the guy spent twenty-five years in a bad marriage because his belief was, if you get married and you’re not happy, you can’t leave. You’ve got to stay.
It took him two and a half decades before he was like, this is kind of fucked. I’m outta here. All of those years he stayed, there were potential magical experiences he could have missed out on, because he believed he had to stay. The goal is to not get attached to people and things that aren’t rowing down the stream the same way as you are.
I’m working through your book the third time. I know it’s good stuff that’s spot on with what it takes to be successful — I’m not just trying to flatter you — but implementing it is hard.
No shit dude. None of this stuff is easy. It takes work and it takes willingness to fail. You’ll fail a lot before you really start to getting any kind of results. People who do really well with my work right off the bat are people that are usually in sales, because when you’re in sales, you’ve got to talk to a lot of prospects and interact with a lot of people before you find somebody that is the right fit for your product or your service.
If you’ve ever had the experience of buying a car, the dealer wants you to come in and test drive it, because if you drive with the salesman, there’s a really good chance you’re going to buy. If the salesman wastes his time on the telephone with people who won’t come in — in other words, they won’t make dates with him — he’s not going to close many deals. You have to be able to gauge somebody else’s interest and willingness to spend time with you.
You get to a place where you’re not attached to it one way or another, you’re just extending an invitation, because you’re looking for a connection. You’re sending the signal out to the universe that “I’m ready, willing, able and open to something magical happening.” And there will be a lot of people, a lot of circumstances and a lot of things that will come along as you move towards what it is you want, but the overwhelming majority are just simply not going to be for you.
You have to be able to recognize that and move on without getting attached, because if you get attached and you start wasting your time trying to convince somebody who’s not really open to being convinced, it’s just like a salesperson who’s trying to sell a house to somebody who doesn’t have a job or money for a down payment. It’s just not going to happen. You’re wasting your time. The idea is, you want to work smarter, not harder, because time is going by in your life and you want to be efficient about it.
I struggle to be light and fun.
That means you need to loosen up, and you need to practice at it more. It means you’re a little too high strung, you get a little to attached to how you want things to be without recognizing that it doesn’t serve you and moving on from that.
I don’t know if that’s just not my temperament.
That’s part of your mind trying to give you an excuse for staying the same and not changing anything. If you’re going to be in a relationship and you’re going to be with women, you’re going to have to learn to be light and fun and joke around, because that is part of flirtation. If you’re telling me “It’s too hard, I’m not going to flirt,” you’re going to struggle in your personal life.
If you can’t be light and fun, you’re going to have a fucking hard time with women, because girls just want to have a good time. If you can make them smile and laugh and they see you don’t take yourself too seriously, you’re the type of guy that’s going to make them feel safe and comfortable and they’ll want to be around you.
My self-esteem is good, much better than my self-efficacy.
That statement basically boils down to, your belief that you have what it takes to accomplish the things you want, to take the action, to have the motivation to do what you need to do. And that goes back to having an emotionally compelling reason why you want something. Obviously, if it’s a very pretty girl, you’re going to want to ask her out. If it’s that job you’ve been dreaming about, you need to go for it. You’ve got to put your resume in, you’ve got to call, you’ve got to follow up. You’ve got to make the effort to make that happen.
You have to take action. Time is going to pass. You can sit and do nothing, or you can take action. If you take action, you can at least influence where you end up eventually.
I pursue my own happiness and purpose in a Randian fashion, but sometimes it feels like drilling through hard rock.
Going for your dreams is not easy. It never really gets any easier. What you do overcome or tend to adopt is that you recognize — especially like me at fifty years old — that it takes way longer than you think. When you’re young, you don’t know any better, you’re impatient and you’re just beating your head against the wall, taking all kinds of action to move yourself forward. And as you get some life experience and you get a few decades under your belt, then you kind of get to see what works and what doesn’t work. Life really is a long game.
One thing that I wanted to ask you, because I see this not just from you but from everyone who is anyone, so I know it matters. You say there’s no shortage of high quality women, and you have to believe in this abundance. Those are two different things — existence and belief in existence.
You’re looking at it thinking you’re supposed to meet one amazing girl after another, every single day. I’m talking about people you share the same goals and values and interests with, that you meet them and you talk with them, it clicks, it’s easy, it’s effortless, you’re both participating in the conversation, and that’s rare. Most people don’t do that.
The idea of abundance means you don’t get attached. You don’t right away assume that just because you met this girl, she’s really hot and shes talkative with you that she’s the future mother of your children. A lot of us who don’t know any better tend to get fixated on that one person, and then we start projecting our fantasy onto them and ignore the reality doesn’t match the fantasy.
The importance of having the abundance mentality is to recognize that she’s not reciprocating in the way that you would like. When you don’t know any better, you start putting more of the effort in to make a date or get the number. You’re so excited about how you feel about her, you’re not really paying attention to the fact that it’s not reciprocated. And just because a girl is hot, doesn’t mean she’s a nice person that you’re going to want to spend a lot of time with.
You’re giving the other person the opportunity to potentially be in your life. The odds are not in your favor that she’s going to live up to the expectations of what you want. And when you recognize that she doesn’t have the goals or the values or the things you really want, or you just can’t see your lives kind of mingling together, you have to be strong enough to move on from that.
You have to be brutally honest with where you are and what you feel and move on, not stick around because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. At the end of the day, you have to achieve your outcome.
The reality is, super high quality friends, the best and closest friends that you’re going to have, they don’t come along every day. And the same thing with women. If you read my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” the women I wrote about in there, they just don’t come along. I’ve found that typically, based on your lifepath, the average guy gets to meet maybe two or three women a decade they really click with. You’ve got have to have the inner strength to move on when it doesn’t serve you.
The key is that while you’re here, you have fun and you enjoy your life and the way you live your life pleases you. You have people around you that are aligned with the same goals and the same vision.
As hard as I try to see there as being abundance, I struggle to really believe it. I don’t want to blow smoke up my own arse. I meet the best women offline. Ironically the better they are, the better I tend to get treated, and this includes girls I’ve dated and slept with, so it’s not just platonic. Maybe it’s a female self-esteem thing I don’t know, but it’s counterintuitive.
This is when I could have used your book, particularly the 60 days notion, and I would maybe have someone.
This sounds like you’re talking about somebody you met and screwed up with, and you’re kind of regretting it. You’re now kind of having an attachment to the past like, oh, I missed out. I didn’t get that girl. The way I look at it and the way I look at life is, what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way.
You weren’t supposed to get that girl. If you were, you would have read my book and came across it long before you met her, and you would have been practiced and experienced enough so when you did meet her, you would have done everything effortlessly. The key is not to screw it up when you meet one of these unicorns.
This is not a game to me in the sense that she can’t just be cute enough for me to want to stick my dick in once or twice. Yeah, I like that too, but I want someone life partner and mother of my children worthy. I don’t focus on that on the first date, but that’s what I’m looking for.
It also seems like 90 percent of the women, at least online, could do so much to make themselves so much more attractive and improve the market.
Well, what’s their motivation if you think of it from a woman’s perspective? A pretty girl on there is just going to get bombarded by all of the guys that are desperate and have a hard time getting dates. They can be very super selective and only go out the “Chads” of the world if you will — the good looking guys that have their shit together, the guys that have choice themselves and don’t want to commit to any of these women. And all of the beta males are getting nowhere.
I’ve personally found as well, I prefer meeting women in person. There’s just nothing better when you meet an amazing woman and you look in her eyes, and she looks back at you with the same desire. When the hairs stand up on the back of your neck, that’s evidence of divine nature. That’s evidence of God to me. When you start talking to them and find out they have the same goals, the same values, they eat the same way, have similar exercise habits, similar things they study, similar hobbies and interests, you just feel like that just can’t be some random accident.
I just don’t believe that accidents happen. There were too many synchronicites in my life that happened that convinced me that we live in a divine universe that we can influence by our thoughts, our words, our deeds and our actions.
Getting in shape for one is easy and free, and the lack of being in shape speaks to character and priorities. Also, they could easily have better manners, character and class.
If a girl’s got thousands of dudes online throwing their dicks at them all of the time, they’re going to be jaded. They’re probably going to be a little arrogant and condescending. That’s why I say, why be on there? I almost never go on online dating. I just prefer in person meetings. That way I can feel the connection. I can feel it in person. I can feel that electricity as it moves through my body when that connection is there.
Until you’ve really experienced that and taken that from a first meeting to a relationship like I talk about in my book, it’s just a mental concept. But again, that’s just why you have to move on when it doesn’t feel right. You’ve got to see what else is out there.
I’m not talking about not testing men. They should, but they are not worth chasing after — but they could be if they wanted. This determines the level of abundance.
Well part of it is, you’re kind of fishing in their pond. You’re going into their world. If you’re on the dating apps and you’re frustrated with the quality, it’s better if you can apply the things that are in my book and approach women in public, when there’s a connection or you at least see a woman making eye contact with you. You’re just going to have better experiences, and you’re going to feel better about yourself. You’re going to feel more confident. It’s way better than a dating app.
We are competing not just with other men, but with careers and pets and their social justice ideologies and their self-esteem issues from childhood. In that light, it makes sense and it’s very important I don’t over pursue, because it’s like tennis. Stay on your side. Not a pride thing. I have my standards and will only play with someone quality appearance and character who hits the ball back.
I’ve met a few of these and had I had your book, maybe. But it seems I just have to wait for the next time I’m graced with one while I work on living my own life. And really it just takes one at the end of the day, but I really struggle to believe there’s a super abundance, and I know that puts me in a weaker frame, but should I lie to myself?
Again, you’re trying to pin a concept on me. It’s probably a misunderstanding. You didn’t learn that from me. I never have said that super high quality women just drop out of trees. That’s just fucking rare. Nowhere in my books does it say it. But you have to have an abundance mentality, meaning that you don’t get caught up when one girl kind of fifty percent meets everything that you want, and you just try to make it work.
In order to reel one of these unicorns in, you have to have done the work on yourself before you get there. Just like the video I did last week, “A True Alpha’s State of Mind,” those two guys — one was a 25-year marriage and the other one was a 12-year toxic marriage — I mean, they turned their lives around just by reading and applying the book and being willing to move on when they recognized a woman they didn’t really click or jive with.
Maybe in the University ballroom dance club there’s a greater abundance, but I’m 38. But I see these girls at the studio. Even then, only a few would be my type, but at least there these girls have class and such, for now anyway. Maybe I’m in the wrong places.
I’m doing what I can, throwing a home party. Gotta be more social, but hard to believe in an abundance that is preached from all self-help authors. Should I just believe? Should I be as I am, or is it a question of my eyes being clouded, and I need to clear them? Trying to be a high quality man.
Again, I don’t know where you picked this up from, but it’s like somebody convinced you that unicorns are on every fucking corner. That’s why they call them unicorns, because they’re very rare. But beautiful women are fucking everywhere. I could probably go walk out in the street right now and see five really super cute girls just walking around.
Now, does that mean I’m actually going to enjoy talking to them? Or that they’re all going to enjoy talking to me? Or that I’m going to have an interest in what they have to say? Or that they will have an interest in what I have to say? And that we’re going to share the same goals and values? That’s highly unlikely.
But it doesn’t meant that there aren’t beautiful, pretty girls, where if I was just new to this stuff I couldn’t go practice and learn these things. And that’s what you need. You’ve got to apply what’s in the book, and you’ve got to practice it, because that’s how you’re going to get better. That’s how you’re going to attract the kind of women you want.
It definitely seems like you’re looking back on some unicorns you met in the past, and you’re kind of regretting that you didn’t have my book back then. But what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. So what you need to do is keep reading the book, practicing it and getting better. Go out on dates and take women through the permutations that are in the book, so that when you do meet a unicorn that really checks all of your boxes, you’re ready for her, because you have to do the work.
Confucius said, “Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure.” This is what practicing is doing. This is what the abundance mentality will help you do. It’s to help you not get attached to the wrong women. That way, you keep yourself available, you keep yourself circulating, because deep down you believe that what you really want is out there.
But for that to happen, you’ve got to create a space in your life and you’ve got to hold that space open. Many guys hold the space open for a great girl, and then they get serious with the first mediocre chick that comes along, because they’re impatient, they’re tired of waiting, and they’re tired of being single.
I’ve done that in my own life. You’re like, it’s supposed to happen, I’ve been waiting, this is the right girl, and then you project that fantasy. Then you’re three or four months into it, and you realize you got all hooked up on this girl because she was like 70% of the way there. Then you’ve got to get out of that relationship, and it takes time to get over it. There’s the sting of all that. Then you also question yourself, how did I fuck up? How did I make these mistakes?
So there’s a tremendous amount of time to recover and get out of a bad relationship. Especially if you’re in a marriage. Then you’ve got to go through a divorce, and the divorce attorneys and all of those things, before you can get to a place where you can actually be single again, enjoy your life and create a space for a good woman to come along and fill.
“Good love and good people are hard to find. Friends and lovers who you connect with easily and effortlessly are the result of a spiritual connection that is part of your life path, so your souls can have the experiences necessary to fulfill your destinies in life. When you realize that life happens for you and not to you, this enables you to remain unattached to people, circumstances and outcomes, so the right ones can effortlessly find their way into your life. It’s allowing the power of the spiritual universe to work for you, instead of trying to force things that simply do not belong in your life to remain. The right people will want to be in your life, while the wrong ones will never stay. Love is giving, freedom, allowing, ease and delight. Never try to keep what doesn’t want to keep you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne