An Unhealthy One-Way Crush
How to avoid the trap of an unhealthy one-way crush to ensure you never get hung up on a woman who has no romantic interest in you.
In this video coaching newsletter I give a much needed reality check to a poor guy who has had an unhealthy one-way crush on a girl he has known since they were kids. She moved away, but fifteen years later they started talking again. For three years he sent her a love poem every day! He finally worked up the courage to tell her how he felt about her, and her response was less than enthusiastic. He even gave her money to help her start a business.
His friend told him that she probably gave that money to some loser guy she was dating. He says her whole attitude completely changed after he gave her money. She became rude and disrespectful and told him she would never love him, and he should get it through his thick skull. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Dear Coach,
Please help me. I have loved my childhood friend since the beginning of time. She is everything a man looks for in a woman.
Yeah, except for the fact that she’s dating somebody else and not you.
I mean that in every sense of it. I would walk 40 minutes every day to her house just to see her.
That’s nice and cute and romantic, but is she doing the same thing for you? When a guy is projecting his fantasy onto somebody, he does all the work and notices that very little, if anything at all, is coming in return. People who feel the same way will make a mutual effort.
She had a hard life,
That’s your excuse to continue to allow her to continue to beat you like a pinata,
and so did I, but with just one glimpse of her, I would rejoice and every pain or struggle that life had on me would disappear.
That sounds like something right out of a sappy movie. That’s romantic and wonderful, but if she’s not reciprocating, you’ve got to see reality as it is, and you’re obviously not doing that, because you’re projecting your own fantasy. You’re not seeing yourself as a high value person, and therefore, you allow somebody that is not reciprocating interest to treat you like dirt. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other. At this point, she obviously doesn’t have a lot of respect for you.
Long story short, time has taken us a part. She moved to a different country, and I continued living my life. I became an engineer, and 15 years passed. In my heart I always knew she was the one,
Dude, there are 7 1/2 billion people on the planet, and half of them are women. She’s just one chick,
and if I ever got in touch with her again, I would let her know loving her through the years kept me righteous.
You had no personal life, because you were fantasizing about this chick. You see this in movies all of the time, there’s one perfect person. I look at it as if it were an endless supply. As you grow and evolve, the people you date grow and evolve.
Everybody’s different. Some people are serial and monogamous, like myself. Other people want to settle down with one person and spend the rest of their lives with them. Different strokes for different folks. Give people the space to be who they are and live their lives the way they want. Don’t try to imprint your worldview, your religious beliefs or your relationship type beliefs on other people, expecting them to conform to your worldview so you feel more comfortable about your choices. If your choices are so great, demonstrate that to the world, and if it’s a superior way to be, other people will model you.
I did get in touch with her and I told her how I felt. Everything was good for a while, and then she would disappear. I would leave her poems in her Facebook mail every day for almost three years.
Dude, that’s a lot of writing. Did she send you any poems? Think of dating as like a game of tennis. Not only did you get one machine full of tennis balls, but you got 20 of those things, turned them up full blast and barraged her with tennis balls of love. Eventually, she left the court and hauled ass.
One day, she called me crying and promised to stick by me.
But obviously she didn’t, because if she did, you wouldn’t have even written this email to me. So what does that mean about her promise? She meant it in the moment it was said, but if you don’t act like a man, she’s going to find somebody else who does.
Honestly coach, because of her I have learned to love someone without expectation.
We made plans for our future and started a business, because that was her dream. Then one day, she asked for money, and I gave it to her without hesitation. After that day, everything changed.
Yeah, she lost respect for you. She knew you were a sucker, and you weren’t paying attention to the fact that she wasn’t reciprocating. She was giving you some promises and blowing some sunshine up your ass, and you were willing to be bamboozled by her. Always look at what people do, not what they say. If somebody loved and cared about you, they wouldn’t disappear. The only reason she disappeared is because she doesn’t need you right now. Somebody else is fulfilling her needs. That’s the sad reality.
She disappeared again, and she started telling me that she’s not a phone person and stuff.
If you don’t think you’re valuable, you’re going to look at that and go, “Oh, that’s totally reasonable.”
I’m an easy going guy and very straight forward. My roommate then one day started telling me, “This girl was probably giving your money to some other guy. She played you.”
It sounds like your roommate is a wise man. You should listen to him a little more.
I got depressed, and one afternoon I was drinking and I texted her and asked her, “How come you didn’t ask him? I mean your “boyfriend” who I didn’t even know existed for help, but you asked me?! Is it because you know loving you makes me weak?”
Come on man. Think about that. Is that a masculine thing to say? Does that make you look like a guy that’s desired by women? When you say something like that, it makes you look pathetic, it makes you look weak and like you have zero self respect. The captain of the football team is never going to say anything like that. He’s just going to move on to the next cheerleader.
Before that, I also had my doubts. I have tried to not contact her,
As Master Yoda said, “Try not. Either do or do not. There is no try”,
but ended up texting her, and after I mentioned her boyfriend, she got so mad, and I quote, “I will never love you. And about why I didn’t ask him for help?” Then she sent me a guy’s picture, and said “Get that through your fucking thick head.”
She gave you the big, hairy middle finger dude. Why? Because you expressed weakness about her having a boyfriend. After the knife is stuck in your back, now she’s fucking twisting it by sending you a picture of him saying, “This is the guy who’s fucking me, and you’re not.”
You’ve known this girl your whole life, multiple decades, and this is how she treats you. She’s basically calling you out and saying, “Dude, you’re being a bitch. It’s time you grow up and be a fucking man.” She’d have more respect for you if you just walked away and never fucking looked back.
Coach, as a man, I can live without love, but I can never live without respect. I need guidance.
Please help me.
Bob
Your pursuit for this woman is over for you for the rest of your life. You need to look at it from the perspective of, she needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You’ve given her countless opportunities to see your value, and all she’s done is take advantage of you, take your money and give it to some fucking loser who can’t even make enough money to support his fucking bills, but yet she’s fucking him and not you.
She needs to earn another chance with you dude, not the other way around. And what that means is, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing must be done by her forever. If she reaches out to hear from you, say “Hey, great to hear from you. Do you still have a boyfriend? I’d love to see you if you’re single, but if not, it’s really not appropriate. I don’t really want to hear from you unless you’re single again, because I want to meet somebody who cares about me and appreciates me. And quite frankly, you never paid me back the money I lent you, and I don’t like the way you’ve treated me. So unless you’re going to treat me nice and be appreciative, and you’re going to apologize for the things you’ve said and done, we don’t have much to talk about. But I really appreciate all of the memories.”
If she turns out to be single then say, “Well, great. If you want to make it up to me, why don’t you grab a bottle of wine, come over to my place and we’ll make dinner together.” Then hang out, have fun and hook up. The only distance you should be willing to travel to see this girl is the distance it takes to go from wherever you are in your place to your front door to let her in. And if she won’t do that, then withdraw the offer. As I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if she reaches out to you two times in a row, you’ve asked her to come over and make dinner, and she won’t do it, then you’re not going to ask her anymore. She’d have to bring it up.
From that point forward, you’re only going to talk to her for 3–4 minutes max on the phone, or you might send 2 or 3 texts back and forth, and then that’s it. You’ll just say, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” One of two things will happen. She’ll either bring up getting together, or she’ll just stop contacting you for good. The only way you’re going to meet her out, pick her up or any of that is if she comes over at least three consecutive nights in a row, and you hang out, have fun and hook up successfully.
You need to read my book ASA fucking P dude, get some other women in your life, start practicing and having some experience, because you spent at least two decades of your life being obsessed with somebody that’s fucking somebody else, and who knows how many other dudes are in her life. Have some fucking self respect. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate, and you’re being a piss poor negotiator.
It’s time to step up your game, get some other options, and start interacting with other women, so you stop coming from this scarcity mindset and thinking about her like she’s the one. She’s just a chick. And quite frankly, from what I’ve read here, If I was your roommate and your buddy, I would say she’s a fucking asshole. Fuck her. She had her chance. If she wants to come over and make dinner with you, great. Otherwise, you’re not fucking interested. Don’t waste your damn time.
“When we believe we are awesome and know our value, we will not tolerate people who do not recognize it or treat us the way we deserve to be treated. When we do not believe in our own greatness, we will become unable to recognize or acknowledge when other people mistreat and take us for granted. We always act consistently with our self-perception. Focus on becoming a person of value, creating a great life and lifestyle you are proud of and only interact with people who treat you the way you want to be treated. Remember, you invite more of whatever you tolerate.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
